Am I being manipulative or being manipulated?

[llamakoala]

I told my DP I wasn’t comfortable with doing something (due to current restrictions) and he kept going on about it and giving reasons why in his opinion my worries were “not logical” and that “no-one will question us”, etc.

I told him I’d be comfortable with it when the rules start changing further which mean it would be actually legal so I would have nothing to worry about.

I’m very much a rule follower and he’s a bit of a rebel.

I don’t want to go into what it is exactly as I don’t feel it’s relevant.

He kept going on about it over and over despite me saying NO and also that I didn’t appreciate him repeatedly pushing the issue when I’ve said I’m not comfortable with it. I then told him that if I gave in I would be extremely anxious for the whole period of time and that it’s unfair for me to feel that way for ‘X’ period of time and that the stress is not good for my body and mind.

He said that now I was making him feel guilty and that he felt it was unnecessary and not relevant for me to tell him about how it would make me feel anxious and how it would affect my body/mind as he already knows this!

I repeated something my Counsellor recently said to me which is that nobody can ‘make’ anyone feel a certain way. I said to him that if he is saying he is feeling guilty then surely deep down he must be feeling guilty (for pushing this issue) and that I’m not making him feel like that.

I’m no psychology expert but I think he might be projecting and not taking ownership of his feelings (I didn’t say this) - trying to force his guilt onto me because I won’t break the rules.

He told me that I was twisting things back into him and using reverse psychology (?) and told me to stop it! I don’t feel either of us have a good enough understanding of what RP even is to be throwing that phrase around.

We’re basically now at stalemate (although I’m not going back on my ‘NO’) because he seems to think I’m being unfair towards him (sounds like he’s accusing me of being manipulative) and I think he’s the one being unfair towards me! And deep down I’m now worried that he’s trying to manipulate me into saying yes.

AIBU? I don’t consider myself a manipulative person and only read up on psychology because it’s fascinating and because of past abuse - am I really doing something wrong here? Surely I can only analyse the situation to the best of my “non-degree but a fair few books read and various research done” level of psychology? He has recently said a couple of things about me apparently using “reverse psychology” - that just makes me wonder why he is feeling uncomfortable when I don’t feel I’m doing anything wrong.

I said to him my intentions are not in any way “untowards” at all.

🤷‍♀️

Would appreciate your thoughts!

@Jellycatspyjamas

The whole “nobody can make you feel anything” is a nonsense trotted out by therapists (I am one and hear it all the time), our feelings are our own but some behaviours will elicit feelings in us.

You don’t want to do something, it’s fine to say so and not do it, it’s equally fine that he wants to and he can decide if he wants to do it alone instead. The whole point of boundaries is that you hold your own without manipulation and in turn aren’t manipulated into doing something that breaches your own boundaries.

In all honesty being in counselling can make you overthink things hugely, he’s unhappy because he wants to do it, you’re unhappy at the thought of doing it and don’t want to - neither of you are wrong in the way you feel.

He might not be wrong in the way he feels,, but he's certainly wrong to keep badgering OP to change her mind.

Ugh! He sounds like my ex. I haven't rtft but I would not stay with this man. He will do damage in the long term with his demands.

He’s asking you to break the Covid rules, increase your risk of infection and make yourself feel worried, all to suit himself. He’d be happier if you gave in and did all of those things. It says a fair bit about him, OP. One is that if he doesn’t get his way, he’ll try to make you sound unreasonable / difficult. The law is quite literally on your side here. He has no argument.

"Don't forget your tooth brush, DH, each time that you go alone."