Money issues with DB

[askingrandomsonlinemighthelp]

Namechanged for this in case someone recognises the issue.

I am a single mum. My elderly mum lives with me. I have one DS. I am self-employed.

I have a mortgage (from when married - so it's half a house basically). I still owe about 30 grand on it. House isn't worth that much. Half of the money would go to ex. Maybe I'd walk away with 20 if I sold it (and would have to rent a house).

I also have another small property in a big city (one room). This is rented out. Half of the rent goes to ex. If I sold it, I'd maybe walk away with 60? Not sure. But, the prices keep going up in that city and I was hoping to hold onto it as long as possible for my DS.

I also share a very small property with DB. This was our mum's house, but she put it in our name. She bought it for 20. It's now worth... 30/40? It's a very crappy house... but that's all she has. It's been empty for 6 years (since my mum came to live with me).

I also rent a property for my business. The landlord wants to sell it. So, I'm being chucked out (not confirmed yet). There's a building next to my house that's been on the market for three years. It's a weird, building... like a labyrinth. But, it would work very well for my business. The owner will take 35 for it.

So, we'd need to sell my mum's house to do it. My mum is excited about the possibility of this new venture because she could come and help with the business and maybe have her own little flat there.

My DB is wealthy. My mum asked him about it tonight and he's basically gone apeshit. He was asked if he wanted to be bought out i.e. I borrow the 15 grand and pay him back over 15 months (through my business - rent). Or, he buys it with me and I buy it off him when our mum dies (similar situation to the one we're in now with my mum's little house).

We've all ended up really arguing and now my mum won't speak to him. He says he doesn't care about the money, but he hasn't been consulted and he's furious and really upset.

I'm lost and don't know what to do. I think I'll be chucked out of where I am now at the end of August and that's that.

I can't get a loan because I'm on my own with a kid and I'm self-employed (last year's tax return wasn't great). Plus, I still owe on the mortgage.

I don't know what my AIBU is. Was I wrong to ask my brother?

It doesn't sound like you asked him if he wanted to sell the house.

It sounds like you told him it was being sold and gave him two options as to how to do it. In which case I understand why he's cross and feels that he's being left out.

This sounds like more than a financial fallout. Does he feel less loved or important to your DM? No doubt there is a backstory.

I won’t bore you with the details but I am one of several siblings, all in VERY different financial situations. When DP asked me to be executor of their wills I checked what their plans were and basically they were leaving out the most wealthy sibling. I said either split it equally or ask someone else. Family and money are extremely sensitive and represent much more than pounds, shillings and pence.

Agree with PP OP. The fact that he's wealthy seems unimportant to the issue. From his POV you and your DM have 'plotted and planned' without involving him and then told him what you want to do and given him an ultimatum. That's how I'd see it?

I would feel a little ganged up on if this was sprung on me but maybe there's also a backstory?

It does seem that he's being truthful and the money is irrelevant, it's the way it's been handled?

He's been on at my mum to sell the house for a while... because it's just sitting there, getting damp.

I thought he wanted her to use the money to live off.

With the potential new place, I said I thought it would be fairer if he came in with me and I bought him out at a later date because he'd make more money that way. I would feel guilty about buying him out now if the new property went up (which it maybe would).

We're a very close family. My mum is on the phone to him nearly every day. I message him back and forth all day long. There have never ever been money issues between us. When he was hard up 20 odd years ago, I helped him pay his rent. When I was hard up after DS was born, he helped me for a couple of months. We just don't count money like that.

Maybe he's jealous that we made these plans without him. But they are just plans.

I don't know how to make it better. We've all been really crying and now my mum is being really stubborn and won't talk to anyone.

There's not much of a back story. We've always been a real team. I've tried soul-searching and wondering why he's so angry. I think it's because we didn't involve him in the discussion. He thinks this is a crappy area (it's very rural, he's in the city). I think he'd like to see me move away from here. But I'm sort of stuck to be honest and so I'm trying to make a go of things here. And I think I can. DB is happy here. My mum couldn't really go anywhere else at this stage.

I don't know. I'm just so sad about it all.

Why does your mum live with you?

You have potentially £100k in assets if you sell your various properties, get them
sold!!
Also, why is your mums house lying empty for 6 years? it’ll end up worthless.

She lives with me because I was very upset about her being stuck on her own in a crappy little house. I was on my own. She came to live with me initially to help me in my business. Then I had my DS. And she stayed to help me and now it makes more sense that she's with me as she's getting older. Her little house isn't in this country.

I'm not sure you can win, OP. Because your DB doesn't live with you, even if technically you did ask, he's going to know you've been taking about it, so he may genuinely see it as a fait accompli. Or that might be his excuse for being awkward. How do you get on with him generally?

Yes, it's at the point now where it will end up worthless. She never sold it because she always wondered whether she should go back there or not. It's looking less and less likely. She doesn't drive now.

I can't sell the house I'm in because I don't think I could really afford another house like this one. It's another strange property. I have a lot of animals. I couldn't afford something similar.

I think the house in the city will just keep going up and so I'm scared to sell that one. The rent from that one pays the mortgage on the one I'm in.

I got my mortgages when I had a proper job and a husband. I tried for a loan and nobody will touch me with a barge pole because I'm on my own and I work for myself. I have a new contract now and I'm making good money, but I'd need two or three good tax returns for a bank to take me on. It's not an option right now.

And I'm a scaredy cat as well. A full-on stress head.

I can see that other PPs agree with my brother. I'm going to read these messages to my mum tomorrow because it's great to have this other perspective. He probably does feel left out. He can be quite sensitive and fragile. This is the last thing I wanted. We both love him so much.

Could you go back to working at what you did before you went self employed just to build up some savings?

@Feedingthebirds1 We all get on very well. I have mentioned this before to him and he wasn't really interested in listening. He asked about the building and said it sounded like a lot of hard work (it would be). I told him when we'd been to visit it and what my ideas would be. At one point, I was thinking of just buying half the building (for 15), but it would have no water, electricity, heating, toilet, kitchen etc. But, I would have been able to buy the shell of the building on my own (maybe). So, buying the whole building is a newer idea. He thinks I shouldn't stay in a village and we should all be living nearer him and his family. He thinks we're mad to have all these animals and be living in the middle of nowhere. I could afford a garage in his neck of the woods.
We do all get on though. We have very different lifestyles, but we're very close. We are very involved with each other's children (zoom parties, care packages, singing down the phone very day... we really do love each other).

@MichelleScarn The money I make now is better and I'm happier. It's just that the banks want to see more paperwork and I don't have that for them yet (maybe in another 18 months ot would be okay). My old job was in the city (in the one-room flat). The place I live in now was our second property. I'd have to go back to one room with son, mum and a gazillion sodding pets. It can't be done. I could try to get a different job though. I'd have to act quickly though. I mean, it's such a small loan, maybe if I just got a permenant contract as a cleaner or something, the bank would like it more. I need a mortgage for 20 grand. Maybe I should ask a few different banks.

Sell the city property, no point dreaming it will increase one day, you need the ££ now, life is for living not procrastinating.

I think you should sell the city property AND your mums. What is the point in your mums sitting there empty?

Unless your DS is in his teens and will benefit in the next couple of years, I don't see the point in waiting to see i he will benefit when you need the money now.

I’m confused, why does he have to come in or have anything to do with the new place? It sounds like you and your mum have rang him out of the blue to tell him what he’ll be doing with his money? I’d be pissed off if my sister rang me up and told me what options I have with my own money when she’s sitting on a few different assets herself she could sell to fund her own business, but maybe I’ve read it wrong?

Don’t asset strip - sell your mums house buy the property for your business and make a success of it not paying rent to a landlord. Keep the house you live in your city property rental is paying the mortgage and make it right with your brother involve him if he’s wealthy he’s been good with money ask him what he would do and see if you can work together life is too short

@Tinkywinkydinkydoo Well, it's my mum's money really. She put the house in our names, but it was her money. So, when she sells it, really we'll be selling it. But it was hers originally.

Anyway, we've spoken on the phone today, and I apologised for not letting him know about the plans. He says he's just not bothered about the money at all, but was cross that we didn't seem to be involving him. So, it looks like we can sell it and I'll pay him his half when I've got it. I might sell the city property too. It does make sense. I could use the money to sort the new property out.