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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be so upset about my child's setup with ex?

9 replies

GreenTreeLeaves · 10/04/2021 20:51

NC for this, I've posted a few times about my son but would like an objective perspective.

Ds is 6. In the last two years Ex threatened to move to Australia (we're UK), and is currently with the his third girlfriend in this time. Each gf has had children, and my ds has been introduced to all of them. He still remembers their children as he still talks about them.

Ex has moved in with this latest woman. She has two older sons 8&12. My ds was sleeping in her 8yo bed when he was at his Dads and with the 8yo in the same bed at least once. Her two sons play Fortnite and my ex was allowing ds to play too, although apparently that's stopped. I've asked as the relationship is so new that our son stays at his house with him. He only sees him at Weekends and wouldn't want to be flung into another family setup to share his time with his dad with strangers. I obviously can't stop him introducing ds these women, but I'd at least like ds to sleep in his own room In his own bed surrounded by his own things.

Ds has behavioural problems which have resulted In behaviour chart and education meetings at school, and I have a CAHMS appointment next week for him. He needs stability and consistency, the same as any child, but this lessens his bad behaviours. I constantly advocate like any parent should for ds and I'm very involved and supportive of the school in order to help. His behaviour has meant that he mostly plays by himself at break (ht said about 80% of the time) and of course I want things to improve for him.

I phoned my ex today to apologise and to ask that we try and rebuild out relationship for the sake of ds (we haven't been together for nearly 5 years, but the last two years things have really broken down). He didn't answer. I called throughout the day, no answer. I start to worry. He eventually answers tonight. As soon as he picks up I can hear screaming and a woman. I got very upset. Ex shouted at me to fuck off...then shouted that I'm a shit mum because I thought driving my car off the road with ds in it. I had severe PND/psychosis and that day I was admitted to hospital. This was 6 years ago. My ds could have heard Ex shouting that at me.

Theres nothing I can do is there? I can't make him be better Dad. Ds loves him of course. AIBU is being so upset by all this, and expecting Ex not to move in with the latest gf, into a flat where he doesn't have his own room?

OP posts:
dotdotdotdash · 10/04/2021 21:01

I hope you are okay. Seriously, that phone call sounds upsetting and you deserve better.

Honestly sounds like you are doing your best for your ds so give yourself credit. Your ex’s behaviour on the phone was abusive and three gfs and introducing your ds to all three with the musical beds and everything; no wonder he is exhibiting behavioural problems. I would be thinking about no more over night stays or even supervised custody. Put a thread on divorce/separation board for better advice.

dotdotdotdash · 10/04/2021 21:02

I meant supervised visits not supervised custody.

GreenTreeLeaves · 10/04/2021 21:03

Thank you @dotdotdotdash. I am a bit of a wreck just now. Going to get in the bath and watch a film and try and switch off.

I've been on MN for years and never seen the divorce/separation board, not sure how to swap?

OP posts:
Happycat1212 · 10/04/2021 21:07

I don’t know what to suggest but I think calling your ex repeatedly probably wasn’t a good idea and maybe the reason why the woman was shouting? In future I would only communicate by email that way you have a copy of the conversation

RandomMess · 10/04/2021 21:08

Is the contact court ordered?

It does seem like there being less contact at the moment would be in DS best interests.

dotdotdotdash · 10/04/2021 21:12

Yes, contact by email only is a good idea as you have a record then too. I think @Happycat1212 is right that calling repeatedly may have aggravated them.

Divorce/separation board is under the body & soul section in the Talk topics.

I hope you can relax and find your calm - tomorrow is another day

GreenTreeLeaves · 10/04/2021 21:41

Yes I don't think repeatedly calling was a good idea either. I just started to get worried after a while.

The contact is not court ordered, I did have a solicitor to attempt this but ex just didn't engage.

OP posts:
Happycat1212 · 10/04/2021 21:46

I’m sure he would let you know if something had happened. I think emailing is really the way forward here. I don’t speak to my at all on the phone. I believe there is even parenting apps etc to communicate on (though I don’t use those)

FireflyRainbow · 10/04/2021 22:18

You can't do anything about it OP aslong as your childs not neglected and is safe.

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