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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to forgive myself?

16 replies

imokaysomedays · 10/04/2021 14:07

It's been two years. I have a beautiful loving baby girl. But I cant get over the fact that I had an abortion. I csnt let go if it. How do I move on, do i deserve to forgive myself. I dont want this to every effect my parenting towards my dc, and I dont. But every now and then I think how she could of had a sibling. I hate myself for listening to my bf when he told me to have an abortion. I hate myself for not being strong enough to carry that tiny life into the world. The abortion haunts me on my worst days.

OP posts:
chesteroo · 10/04/2021 14:13

I have no experience of this but I would encourage you to forgive yourself. It wasn't a good time for to be a mum then, if your boyfriend wasn't supporting you it would have been a difficult stressful pregnancy and it's tough being a single parent.
Take care of yourself and enjoy being a parent in better circumstances x

Tal45 · 10/04/2021 14:17

You did the best you could in very difficult circumstances. Time to forgive yourself. Have you given yourself the chance/space to grieve? Could you do something positive to remember your lo by, plant a tree or just something to give you a positive focus. Perhaps you could also consider counselling so you can talk to someone about how you feel xxx

DinosaurDiana · 10/04/2021 14:18

I have no experience either, but you made a decision you can’t change now, and you don’t want to affect your DD’s life with your regret.
You really do need to forgive yourself 💐
Then, could you make some sort of memory box, or buy a lovely ornament, that can be your memorial to the child you lost. Something nice that you can get out and have the occasional quiet time thinking of your baby.

SunIsComing · 10/04/2021 14:35

Hindsight makes things seem much easier and clearer.... you must forgive yourself as you can’t go back to that time and change things.

PinkCookie11 · 10/04/2021 14:47

Forgive yourself, it wasn’t your time.
Have you tried writing down how you feel? I do this daily if something gets to me and I feel better getting it off my chest as opposed to talking to someone who may not understand.

Original poster
imokaysomedays · 10/04/2021 14:53

@Tal45 no I had no space nor time to grieve. Tried talking about it with dp but he didnt understand my feelings towards it all since his was the complete opposite which lead to further resentment and upset. I live with his family and they dont know. Sometimes they said things that are sensitive towards my situation and so does do, like oh I'm so glad we didnt have a baby so soon being together like x, when in actuality we very well could of as I was pregnant. Always had to put a brave face afterwards, my dm did know but it was like the elephant in the room. If I brought it up with her or anyone else it was only in passing and very quickly brushed under the rug. I think people find it an awkward thing to talk about

OP posts:
Original poster
imokaysomedays · 10/04/2021 14:56

@DinosaurDiana I like your idea of the memorial. I've still kept the pregnancy test I used when I found out I was pregnant ( weird I know but it's the only thing I have to remind me that that time was real) I would love something more physical to represent my baby. I really miss them even though they were never here...

OP posts:
MinnieKat · 10/04/2021 15:37

I had a termination due to very extreme perinatal depression at 9 weeks. Fell pregnant again 4 months later and was on antidepressants for the first couple of weeks until I came off of them due to suspected miscarriage which turned out to be false. The depression didn’t hit again and I went on to have my DS who was born one year and one day after my termination. I will never not feel guilt and loss at my termination but it has got easier. It haunts me too.

DinosaurDiana · 10/04/2021 16:14

How about getting a really nice box to keep the pregnancy test in. Home Sense do some nice ones. You could maybe buy a nice blanket or an outfit, that you would have liked for your baby, and put it in there too.
Or you could go on Not On The High Street and buy a necklace with the birth stone of yourself and, what would have been, the birth stone of your baby.

TheRealForReal · 10/04/2021 16:16

I've had a termination. For me, it was the best choice for myself and my family at the time. I was still very cut up about it though, so I can't begin to imagine how it must feel to have wanted the baby and felt pressured into a termination by someone else. Sending you a virtual hug Flowers

Original poster
imokaysomedays · 10/04/2021 20:23

@DinosaurDiana I'm so upset. I went back to my family home to get my pregnancy test to find out my mum threw it. I kept it in my top bedroom door and after I moved out my mum moved in. She wouldn't usually go through my stuff but they are moving and she assumed it was just a old test and told me it was unhygienic so she threw it . I cant blame her....It was my fault for leaving it. I just didnt want to bring into dps family home. I felt funny about it. Now it's gone

OP posts:
Original poster
imokaysomedays · 10/04/2021 20:32

@MinnieKat I'm sorry to hear your going through this as well. The irony is my dd was (unintentionally) conceived in February which was the month my baby would of been born. In a strange way I feel like she was my rainbow baby. She came to me because I was struggling, and I'm so thankful she is here . Someone told me to think of it as ; if I went ahead with that pregnancy, dd most likely wouldnt of been here and same could be true to you and your ds. I know I would of loved that child all the same as my daughter now, but I look and her and cant imagine life without her so in that way what was meant to be was. We both had our reasons for going through with a termination, I think it's a matter of not letting the guilt override and make us forget that side of things. I hope as time goes on we both find peace. It's such a heavy burden to carry x

OP posts:
Hhusky · 10/04/2021 20:34

OP Flowers
I'm so sorry you're going through this and feeling this way.
What about a little memorial something for them? When were they due? Maybe you could buy a little necklace or charm of what would have been their birthstone and wear it.
Or name a star after what you would have called them, or make a donation in their name to a charity.
And please, please forgive yourself. You did what was right for you at that time and that's all that matters. It's OK to be sad, to struggle with the decision, to have bad days but you absolutely must forgive yourself xx

Royalbloo · 10/04/2021 20:34

Please, please think about what you would say to a friend and don't hurt yourself with this over and over.

Be your own best friend.

Vivi0 · 10/04/2021 20:47

Oh, OP. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way.

I had a termination and I felt incredibly unsure about whether I had made the right decision for a few years afterwards.

I now have two little boys. If I didn’t have the termination and had went through with the pregnancy, my two boys wouldn’t exist. I am now very much at peace with my decision.

Would you consider counselling?

FireflyRainbow · 11/04/2021 02:06

It will get easier OP is all I can say. You may always feel bad, but it will hurt less over time as you make peace with it.

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