For thinking my friend is being rude?

[goodsapphic]

I have a friend who has a habit of eating the same foods for months at a time and then complaining when I eat them after she has gone off them. For example, she would once only eat ham sandwiches for lunch, now if I eat a ham sandwich she will complain that it 'smells'. I find this quite rude as there are certain foods which I do not like the smell of, but I don't say anything to the person eating it because I know that is my problem, not theirs. She has also complained about me eating pasta, chicken baguettes and chocolate. All of which I think are perfectly normal foods and I think it's quite rude for her to comment on other people's foods. So AIBU to think that just because she goes off food because she has eaten it every day for months at a time, doesn't mean she should judge others for eating those foods every once in a while?

It’s rude. I hate it when people comment on my food. I just say “it’s the height of bad manners to comment on others food”. Keep repeating that until she shuts up.

YANBU. Perhaps you could just stop meeting with her at meal times.

Refuse to eat with her? Meet her for occasions that don't include food and say its because she does this and you understand she has food issues around binging certain foods then hating them, and you find it too stressful to eat round her.

Honestly people who have food issues need to realise its their issue and its never OK to make other people feel shit about their own choices. (See also people on a new diet who feel the need to tell you how many calories/carbs/"syns" are in your food choice when you are not on a diet)

@FallenSky that is a good idea, thank you, although unfortunately I have to work with her so is not always possible to avoid eating with her at mealtimes. I should most likely try to eat as far away from her as possible.

Yes it's rude and you need to tell her or stop having lunch with her.

It is rude and I suggest you actually tell her this. You enjoy whatever you want for your lunch.

"could you just stop commenting on my food please"

Perhaps you can say pre-lunch, “are you going to be able to resist commenting on my lunch today or shall we eat separately?”. Then hold her to it.

Tell her that unless she’s Loyd sodding Grossman in drag, you do not want or need her reviews of your meal choices.

Why are you even friends with this person. Whether you're being unreasonable or not is not the issue, they obviously get on your tits fuck em off and move on.

[quote goodsapphic]@FallenSky that is a good idea, thank you, although unfortunately I have to work with her so is not always possible to avoid eating with her at mealtimes. I should most likely try to eat as far away from her as possible.[/quote]
You should tell her that she's being rude and if she has such a massive problem with your food then perhaps she should go eat elsewhere. I could kind of understand if you were microwaving fish in an unventilated office but a ham sandwich is a pretty standard and inoffensive smelling lunch!

Thank you for all this lovely advice so fast, it is my first time posting here and I did not expect it at all. I have spoken to her about it before and she has become slightly better. Maybe speaking to her again would put a stop to it entirely? Or it might just be a habit she is having, as like her foods, she will do a certain thing for months and then stop afterwards. I am hoping this is one of those!

@FallenSky that is what I was thinking She is usually polite in general and quite timid, so I think being more firm with her might make her stop.

It is rude, but her way of eating doesn’t sound particularly normal. I wonder if there’s something else there.

Talking to her and telling her to stop is definitely the right course of action.

@StillCoughingandLaughing that comment made my day, thank you.

@PurpleDaisies No it definitely isn't normal, you are right. I have wondered if she is possibly autistic, with her sensitive sense of smell as she can also be quite bad in social situations and I know those are signs as I have relatives who are also on the spectrum. Not trying to use that as an excuse btw.

I hate people do this. YANBU.

Definite;y tell her that you find it rude and upsetting.

And if she doesn't stop it, do it back to her.

@stackemhigh I have done that before to see if it would work and her response was, 'no, my food does not smell.' She didn't put two and two together and her behaviour has continued, although to a lesser extent than a few months ago.

That suggests to me that she is doing this deliberately to make you feel insecure. She's no friend, OP. Tell her it's upsetting you, it's hard for people to pretend to be offended when you tell them they've upset you.

She's not timid if she's insulting your food selection. Passive aggressive towards you. Why does she feel she can do that? Put your foot down and tell her to stop it or you won't eat with her and will reconsider the friendship.

@stackemhigh yes, that is a possibility. She has also made digs about my size, saying that my hands and feet are massive and that I am excessively tall, perhaps to make me even more secure. I am 5"7 and take a size 6/7 so not exactly an unusual size. She also upset another friend a few years back for commenting on her short stature continually. And this friend is about 5"3 at most.

@Wellpark I know she is coming off as extremely rude here but in general she is good to get along with. It's just the sneaky comment here and there that gets to me a bit. Like I said, she is possibly autistic and has confidence issues. Do you have any advice for dealing with people on the spectrum as I know first hand they can say rude things but not mean hurt by it.

Is she neuro typical? This sounds very much like my autistic daughter, she will eat the same food for months on end and then decide she doesn’t like them. Smells also really bother her so she would definitely say something if there was a smell she didn’t like. However she’s only 9 and we are working on learning to just walk away when something bothers us rather than loudly declare it smells/looks/sounds disgusting!

How big a space do you have for eating your lunch? Would it be possible to move away, very politely?
"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realise the smell upset you; you used to eat it yourself, didn't you?
Never mind, I'll move to the other table."

@PinotAndPlaydough she doesn't have an ASD diagnosis however a few people have suspected she may be on there because of the things she does.

@twoshedsjackson the other tables are usually full, although when they are not, I in general will go to one when she starts making comments.

I would be quite straight with her then. If she does have autism she might appreciate being told straight “I’m sorry if the smell of my food bothers you, can we agree that if I have something you don’t like we won’t eat together? When you make comments about my food I find it upsetting. I don’t want to upset you with my food and I’m sure you don’t want to upset me by commenting on it so let’s have lunch separately on those days.”

If she’s not autistic then she still needs to be told her behaviour is rude but you’d be well within your rights not to accommodate her behaviour if she doesn’t have additional needs.