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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I think my friend judges me for seeking an abortion

4 replies

Ebonix · 10/04/2021 11:04

A couple of months ago my friend who'd recently had a baby posted on Facebook that she was struggling badly with PP anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I've known her since childhood.

I've been there myself not too long ago so I reached out to her over inbox and we spent an hour or two talking about how she was feeling, I advised her as best I could based on what helped me and assured her that it gets better and if she ever needed somebody to talk to then I'm always here.

I had recently found out I was pregnant a week before this conversation and was leaning toward termination because my MH still isn't great after having my youngest, so when she asked me if I'd ever do it all again (have another baby) I was honest with her and said I'm pregnant at the moment and considering a termination for the above reasons, plus others. I was devastated but felt it was my only option at the time.

She asked how far along I was and I told her I was almost 6 weeks.

Well with that she stopped replying completely and I haven't heard from her since despite her posting daily on Facebook. She seems to be doing a bit better and is going out with friends, sounding alot more positive.

I sent her a message a couple of weeks later asking how she was doing which she read and didn't reply to.

As it happens I have decided to proceed with the pregnancy with the support of my partner and family and I'm feeling alot more optimistic.

I just can't help but feel that me being open with her about considering a termination has made her look at me differently and judge me. She was the only person I told and the only person who knew about the pregnancy, apart from my immediate family.

Do you think I'm reading too much into it?

OP posts:
Littlebluebird123 · 10/04/2021 11:16

I don't know if she's judging you. But if she's got pp anxiety and intrusive thoughts she likely cannot cope with helping you cope too. It's too close and too hard. I wouldn't write her off completely, but understand that she isn't going to be there for you at the moment.
Even though you didn't have a termination, just the thought may be too much for her to bear as she may have been in a place of regretting having had her child. (Because of the anxiety and intrusive thoughts.) It may be a trigger for her so she's keeping a distance.
Looking like she's coping because of posts on FB is easy. Real life is harder to fake.
I'm glad you have a supportive partner and family so you have other people to lean on.

Ebonix · 10/04/2021 11:19

@Littlebluebird123

I don't know if she's judging you. But if she's got pp anxiety and intrusive thoughts she likely cannot cope with helping you cope too. It's too close and too hard. I wouldn't write her off completely, but understand that she isn't going to be there for you at the moment. Even though you didn't have a termination, just the thought may be too much for her to bear as she may have been in a place of regretting having had her child. (Because of the anxiety and intrusive thoughts.) It may be a trigger for her so she's keeping a distance. Looking like she's coping because of posts on FB is easy. Real life is harder to fake. I'm glad you have a supportive partner and family so you have other people to lean on.
Thank you, what you've said makes alot of sense.

I had no intention of leaning on her for support and only mentioned it as she asked, but I can understand, after you've pointed that out, why she might have felt unable to go into that with me.

I think my worry about her judging me comes from a place of shame as I had always said I'd never consider a termination (even though I'm explicitly pro choice) so I have some guilt about considering it as a first option.

I will give her some space and leave the door open if she ever wants to talk in the future.

OP posts:
Crimeismymiddlename · 10/04/2021 11:38

A lot of women do judge abortion’s. I know the few I told judged me. However I know if they had been in the same situation I was they would have done the same thing. You need to do what is right for you and your family-she is not a good friend if she takes the support you were giving her then suddenly drops you for doing something she may not agree with that is none of her business.

Ebonix · 10/04/2021 11:43

@Crimeismymiddlename

A lot of women do judge abortion’s. I know the few I told judged me. However I know if they had been in the same situation I was they would have done the same thing. You need to do what is right for you and your family-she is not a good friend if she takes the support you were giving her then suddenly drops you for doing something she may not agree with that is none of her business.
Thanks Crime, and I'm really sorry you were judged for your decision. There should be no shame in doing whats right for you, yet other people's responses can imply that there is.

Whether my friend was judging me or just in deep with her own issues I don't think I'll ever tell anybody else (offline) that I was in that position.

OP posts:
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