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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - Porn groupchat

23 replies

applejuicecarton · 09/04/2021 22:47

Name changed and keeping it short because I'm worried about being outed.

My partner has a groupchat with some of his friends - mostly guys he's met in online gaming groups - and he's basically got a sub-group chat dedicated to porn / hentai (Asian cartoon porn). I spoke to my partner about it and he said he found it kind of weird, and was probably going to leave that groupchat soon.

Is this an unreasonable reaction to feel uncomfortable with it? It's mostly a lot of quite derogatory (from my perspective) hentai cartoons, and it puts some kind of weird pit in my stomach but I'm not sure if I'm oversensitive. I know it's "just" porn but I feel off about it.

OP posts:
ilovetomatoes · 09/04/2021 23:45

I kind of feel like we’re at a bit of a tipping point with this kind of stuff. “Good guys” who previously could claim innocence, I’m just part of the gang, it’s not me, that kind of narrative. They’re being called out increasingly. Those who genuinely are just weak will fall back, those who use it as a smokescreen will stay in it.

Troyhelena · 09/04/2021 23:48

I wouldn’t be bothered if my boyfriend was part of the group and actually accepted responsibility for it.
I’d lose a lot of respect for this whole faux innocence, ‘good guy’ act.
‘Probably going to leave the group chat soon’ bollocks. There’s no notice period on leaving, if he wanted to, he could. Just a bit pathetic really

FrameyMcFrame · 10/04/2021 00:03

It's bad enough he's looking at it but talking about it in a group chat is just creepy.

I don't even know him and I'm creeped out.

I can't think he's a very nice person. Sorry.

GammyLeg · 10/04/2021 00:05

Yuck. But it doesn't matter what we think - it's up to you what you find acceptable within your relationship. You're not unreasonable for this to be a no for you.

WhyMeLord · 10/04/2021 00:29

He’s in a what’s app group dedicated to wank chat? Regardless of what you’re into I’m weirded out that anyone would actually discuss their wank bank and share ideas with others?! 😳

Notimeforaname · 10/04/2021 00:38

Creepy as hell. Jesus now real people dont cut the mustard? Cartoons Hmm

Notimeforaname · 10/04/2021 00:39

He’s in a what’s app group dedicated to wank chat?
Yes this perfectly sums up that icky feeling I felt as I read..

Clymene · 10/04/2021 00:39

Urgh. He sounds revolting

GingerScallop · 10/04/2021 00:49

hentai (strange) or its full name hentai seiyoku (sexual perversion). I find it beyond disconcerting. So much school girl fetishism & sexualisation of children. Doesn't matter it's in cartoon format. Then sharing that in a group is just disgusting to me. What do you think OP? What does it make you feel? Follow your heart

Weirdfan · 10/04/2021 01:04

I wouldn't be comfortable with this either OP, I just don't want to be with the kind of man who's into porn tbh, it's sleazy and makes me think less of them. I think men have been able to label women who object to porn as jealous or prudish for too long, I'm neither, I just find it really unattractive in a man.

IndecentCakes · 10/04/2021 01:21

He's not going to leave the group chat 'soon'. He might if you argue about it again, but will probably join again later...

I thought this stuff also involved weird shit like octopus monsters and was extremely misogynistic as well (cartoon women being raped and sexual acts that would kill or permanently injure real women.) That would be my biggest worry about it.

applejuicecarton · 10/04/2021 01:25

He’s in a what’s app group dedicated to wank chat? Regardless of what you’re into I’m weirded out that anyone would actually discuss their wank bank and share ideas with others?! 😳

Seems quite common now so I wasn't sure if this was something I should accept or not. I find the whole idea of parasocial mutual masturbation quite perverse and odd? I can't imagine sending porn or anime attractive men as wankfodder to my friends!

What do you think OP? What does it make you feel? Follow your heart

Honestly it gives me some level of the ick. I don't think he's active in the chat and I do genuinely think it weirds him out, but I really find it quite degrading.

OP posts:
Lou98 · 10/04/2021 01:35

Watching porn is one thing but being in a group chat with other people about it is something else altogether! I'd find it a massive turn off that he didn't instantly leave the chat as soon as he was invited to it!

NiceGerbil · 10/04/2021 01:41

I have been in the position twice in my life of being party to this sort of thing.

If it is what I think then it's not about wanking so much as urrgh.

Men sharing porn pics/ clips to 'laugh' at is really common. It's usually content that revolves around a woman having something extreme/ revolting/ degrading done to her.

That however many cups video was a good example of this.

It's really about male bonding over the denigration of women. Haha.

I could be wrong. If they're sending each other things saying this is top wank material then that's even grimmer tbh.

Reading your OP again. Your weird pit in stomach reaction is because they are sharing pics of female degredation for male bonding. Yes it's uncomfortable. It's grim.

In my first office job when the internet was new and people just did whatever even at work. My best friend who was a bloke forwarded some emails from his blokey group at work

I always remember the one that was a pic of a woman (sorry about language) with a really big fish up her cunt with the head sticking out.

I was 23.

I didn't understand why he forwarded it to me. Why they were sharing this.

It wasn't sexual.

Yeah anyway a huge amount of men bond/ enjoy seeing women denigrated.

That is reflected in mainstream porn.

Anyway he told you, he doesn't like it. Your reaction is normal. Say yeah neither of us like it so leave.

If he can say that he's leaving because it's nasty shit then all the better but that's up to him, most wouldn't.

eatsleepread · 10/04/2021 03:51

Grown men doing this? HmmPathetic.

therocinante · 10/04/2021 05:51

Is it a Discord channel within a server? I'm in loads of Discord servers with channels I don't even look at - if that was it (and he wasn't actually posting hentai) I can't say I'd be bothered, really.

Hentai is creepy though.

CloudFormations · 10/04/2021 06:02

I find it so gross and weird that he and his pals are sharing porn. I don’t think I could get over the ick from that

Shoxfordian · 10/04/2021 06:05

He doesn’t find it that weird if he’s still in the chat

I would probably dump someone for this tbh

Rumplestrumpet · 10/04/2021 06:12

I can't imagine staying with someone who stayed in. A group like this for more than 5 mins.

As NiceGerbil said it's men bonding over the shaming and denigration of women. You're right to be uncomfortable with it.

KoalaOok · 10/04/2021 06:14

Why is he going to leave "soon" what's the point in waiting. He should just leave now.

Brownteddybear · 10/04/2021 07:58

I spoke to my partner about it and he said he found it kind of weird, and was probably going to leave that groupchat soon.

"Kind of weird" "probably" "leave soon"

Yeah it sounds like he's not really going to leave it and why is he in it anyway? That you even had to ask him about it. Massive turn off and I'd leave him to it. Disrespectful to women, immature and frankly gross behaviour for an adult male.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 10/04/2021 08:16

This would creep me out massively. I could never imagine having a group where I share sexual images with friends. Very odd indeed.

And please don't think because it isn't actual people that cartoon porn is OK. It all feeds into the same damaging misogynistic industries that promotes violence towards women and girls. In fact I'm a bit Hmm about cartoon porn because there's no indication of if the cartoons are of consenting age (cartoon indecent images of children are as illegal as actual images)

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 10/04/2021 08:16

@Brownteddybear

I spoke to my partner about it and he said he found it kind of weird, and was probably going to leave that groupchat soon.

"Kind of weird" "probably" "leave soon"

Yeah it sounds like he's not really going to leave it and why is he in it anyway? That you even had to ask him about it. Massive turn off and I'd leave him to it. Disrespectful to women, immature and frankly gross behaviour for an adult male.

Agree - this is something someone not intending to leave but hope their partner forgets about anyway.
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