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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be feeling a bit cross with dh

15 replies

Catchafallingstarand · 09/04/2021 21:26

In aibu for trafic .. but aibu ?
Dh and I have been having a difficult time in the pandemic.
He has become increasingly snappy in mood, spends a lot of time upstairs, hardly talks.
He does not express his thoughts much or feelings and says he is not depressed.
He is just.. tired / distracted / thoughtful .. etc.
He is naturally introverted .
He is laacking expression .. I cannot tell his feelings at all and it is like living with a person I dont know.
Two days ago I talked to him about this. Told him I was struggling. He said again nothing wrong. He suggested that once a week , without fail,we sit down together and comminicate re how we are etc . He suggested each friday teatime .
He has said similar things before like lets watch a tv prog together.. did it once, then it stopped. I admit ive stopped reminding him as he often leaves it to me and I got bored of being the rocket fuel .
Anyway.. it is now nearly 9.30. He wwnt and got chips at 6 pm. Then went updtairs and still is there. Iwaited but he has not come down . It was his idea . I feel like i was just fobbed off ? How can he have forgot .. we agreed 2 days ago.if i say why didnt you come down .. he will just say an excuse. I should have shouted to him to come down.. but a big part of me didnt want to instigated as I wanted to see him wanting amd remembering this time.
I feel really sad and cross. Dont want to come across as being horrible by not asking him if he had remembered .. I wanted him to have the chance to show that he wanted to talk.. aibu to feel cross and unsure if he is being avoidant ?

OP posts:
Catchafallingstarand · 09/04/2021 21:27

The reason didnt call him is I wanted to see if he did it .. I wanted to see if ot was important to him and to give him.the room to come downstairs .

OP posts:
Catchafallingstarand · 09/04/2021 21:35

What shall I do ? I am sure that he knows it is friday !!!!

OP posts:
monkey1978 · 09/04/2021 21:39

Just call him down

AlrightTreacle · 09/04/2021 21:43

Wait, he went to get chips for himself or both of you? Do you not eat dinner together?

monkey1978 · 09/04/2021 21:45

@AlrightTreacle he is back and gone upstairs again, or so i thought from what OP had written

Laggartha · 09/04/2021 21:47

So you really wanted to have tea with him, and to talk? How might you have best achieved that?

monkey1978 · 09/04/2021 21:50

@AlrightTreacle sorry i misread your post, ignore me!

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2021 21:51

Um so you sit in seperate rooms each night snd don’t talk?

Hont1986 · 09/04/2021 21:55

Just go up and sit with him and read a book in the same room or something, why do this passive-aggressive "I'm not going to remind you because I want you to have remembered" thing.

MajesticWhine · 09/04/2021 21:56

I 'm a bit on the fence. You were being a bit passive to not mention it again. But he was also in the wrong for "forgetting". I know what you mean about being the rocket fuel and always doing the relationship work. It's exhausting being the only one who seems bothered to be working on it and trying to reconnect.

Catchafallingstarand · 09/04/2021 22:08

Because I wanted him to show that he was happy to.try and work on things .

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/04/2021 22:12

I would feel how you do OP - I would hate to think my partner was only spending time with me because I had had to ask and didn't want to naturally / proactively.

I like quite a lot of alone time but we chat and laugh even if in different rooms as it feels natural and easy to do so.

My ex hated that I enjoy alone time as he felt sort of rejected I think so a lot of this is down to personal preference and compatibly.

I imagine for someone who likes / would want more time as a couple in the same room even how I am would feel a bit shit for the other person. So I would make an effort, see if it worked for us both and if not I would think we aren't compatible and go our separate ways. I certainly wouldn't regularly make promises to do something and keep letting the person down, I would hate to feel I was part of someone feeling lonely.

So YABU to feel how you feel and I understand you wanting him to want to make more effort to meet you in the middle.

He could sit with you and chill together for a film / some TV without it being the whole evening for example - and if you did that regularly you'd probably feel that was a totally fine amount! He's not being very kind really is he?

Hont1986 · 09/04/2021 22:15

But the things you want him to work on are at your request. Don't you want to try and help him to make the changes? It sounds more like you'd rather your marriage continue getting worse while you sit in a separate room thinking "I knew he wouldn't do anything unprompted". Go and prompt him then!

Ponoka7 · 09/04/2021 22:18

He's checked out of your relationship. Personally it would be ultimatum time. Pre pandemic did he have hobbies or other ways of busying himself?

mamabear715 · 09/04/2021 22:54

I agree with Ponoka7, sadly.

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