Boyfriend's female 'friend'.

[iriswildflower]

I've been with my BF for two years now, and I am beginning to get really fed up with his female 'best friend'. I'm starting to feel like a third wheel in my own relationship!

At the start, BF was very open and honest about his friendship with this woman, telling me how they were very close, she was his best friend, in their friendship group she was the one he could really turn to and rely on. She's caused issues in his relationships before me, but he assured me that he'd always put me first and he'd learnt from his mistakes in the past. I was pleased with the fact he'd been transparent and honest about it. I've had relationships with men in the past who've had very close friendships with females and it has never bothered me. However, BF is less than honest about things. The issue all started when he lied about going for dinner with her one time, only for me to find out months later. It just set an unhealthy precedent, and I've never been jealous / controlling in the past, but he is making me feel like I am!

A few examples:

• He won't mention when he's seen her, only when I directly ask. For example, they will frequently go to the gym together, walk their dogs together, go for lunch/dinner/to a bar... recently he mentioned how much he loves a certain type of cake, so she baked it for him and delivered it to his house. He is never open with any of this, if I ask him how his day is he will never mention it. He only ever tells me if I specifically ask, 'have you seen x recently?'. He doesn't accept that this is lying by omission, he just tells me he doesn't see the point in telling me as I will 'make an issue over nothing'.

• He deletes their conversations with one another. I have his password so will often use his phone for social media, googling, listening to music and watching films. It became obvious he deletes conversations, as messages from her would pop up whilst we were on his phone, the messages were continuing a conversation, but when he clicked on it, it would be the only message in the chat. When I asked him about this, he admitted he deleted it as he 'doesn't want me to make an issue out of things'.

• Back in the summer, he had a garden party with all his friends and family. It all got a bit boozy and everyone was a little tipsy. At one point, his mum wrapped her arms around female friend (in front of me and all the other partygoers), and exclaimed 'I love you so much x, you are like a daughter to me!' He has also said that his friends and family have often questioned him on what is really going on in their friendship, whether they are secretly dating etc.

The recent cake situation was the final straw for me, and I told him how unhappy I am with this dynamic. He's now saying he wants to keep the friendship and that I am controlling and he worries I will control other aspects of his life?! I've been in relationships in the past, and never had an issue with them having friends of the opposite sex. They are always open and honest about it. It's got to the point where I want to break up with him because I'm fed up of him lying by omission, not seeing why this might get my back up and feeling like I am in some weird love triangle!

I am beginning to get really fed up with his female 'best friend' Why are you getting fed up with her? She’s not the one who should be treating you with love and respect. She’s not the one lying to you by omission. She’s not the one deleting their conversations so you’re left wondering what they were talking about. She’s not the one saying ‘let me do what I want or I’ll think you’re too controlling. That’s all him. So far, all I’m seeing is that she’s made him a cake and she gets on well with his mum. You’re getting fed up with the wrong person.

She's caused issues in his relationships before me Has she? Or did your boyfriend just do the same to his previous girlfriends as he’s doing to you? It’s his behaviour that has caused problems in his relationships, not his friend.

I don’t know whether his motives are that he enjoys the drama or that he has no intention of changing the dynamic but has learnt from previous relationships that putting a friend before your girlfriend is never going to go down well, but he is the one at fault here, not her. He’s playing you like a fiddle because you’re happy to blame her for his behaviour, while he gets off looking like the martyr who is just trying to keep all of these women happy at his own expense.

I would dump him and leave them to it.

Dump him. He would not be deleting messages if it was innocent.

Well, I suppose I would say that it is clear you aren’t (and maybe never were) OK with him having this female friend.

I don’t condone all of his behaviour, but I don’t think you are totally in the right either.

You are annoyed that your BF hasn’t always told you that he has met with this friend unless you ask. Now, he could be hiding something..... but maybe it’s trying to avoid your irritation/upset. For instance, I don’t always know exactly which of his friends my DH has been out with/seen/spoken to every single time he is out/on the phone etc. I don’t really know why I’d need to and I don’t feel that him not telling me every single time is “lying by omission” because of that. You clearly feel, and it sounds like always felt, that you wanted to know about every single time your BF met up with this female friend, which makes me wonder if you ever really were ok with their friendship? If you were, and you trusted him, why do you need to know about every occasion they have met? Would you demand to know every time he met or spoke with any other friends or family members? I’m, not saying you are necessarily wrong to not entirely like the fact that your BF has a very close female friend (many women wouldn’t) but you did know about their friendship from the start.

I do also get why he might delete their conversations if you are often on his phone and look at messages. He has a right to some privacy. So does she- there may be things she talks to him about that she does not want others to know. I understand why it looks “dodgy” and there may be something going on, but equally it may be because they both know you read the messages. The fact you feel the need to read these messages tells you all is not well in your relationship. The fact you feel you have a right to know the content of any messages between your boyfriend and his friend does sound controlling.

Either way, this is clearly not working for you. It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong- I think there are rights and wrongs on both sides- it is not working for you. So either come to terms with the situation or end the relationship. I suspect the latter would be better for you.

Op? Still around?

I would not put up with it. Im not interested in a man who makes me feel insecure and in competition for his affections. I dont mind my partner having female friends low key, but a female bestie? No way. Its one of my boundaries. Most of the time its an emotional affair and one wants more than the other, and i wouldnt be sticking around to find out which one.

I was fully prepared to say you were being unreasonable and controlling and how awful it is that people haven't have simple friendships these days without everyone being suspicious...

Then I read your OP.

Dump him. He's being weird and creating the lies and secrecy dynamic here. There is no scenario in which he can happily keep you as gf and keep his female friend in their weird power play exciting secret friendship. One of you will have to go, and sounds like female friend will always come first. It will come down to you Vs her and he will choose her, and she'll be whispering in his ear what a controlling bitch you are.

My husband has some longstanding female friends and it's nothing like this at all. Likewise me and some longstanding male friends. No secret about when we see them, what we chat about, etc.

He’s in love with her but I think you know that

Thank you for all your comments.

I have suggested in the past that I could be invited out with them both, but I am never taken up on the offer. BF has said he thinks best friend would feel like she was a third wheel. It's all very weird, you are right.

I'm not controlling, jealous or paranoid. I knew this as I have had past experiences with ex's having female friends. There wasn't any problems there as they were honest, transparent, I never felt like things were being intentionally hidden from me. He's labelling me controlling as a mechanism to justify the situation he has created (lies, secrecy, over stepping boundaries). I would bet he's told the female friend that I am controlling, as well as other family and friends. I also agree with the poster who said this shows he is not prepared to commit to putting me, his partner, first. I've seen some red flags with his commitment too.

I need to end this.

He admits it's caused issues in previous relationships, yet she's still there, front and centre.
He'll put her before you, too.

Yes, end it. He’s lying to you and gaslighting you (ie creating a situation where you are being lied to and then telling you that you’re the problem for minding).

Sack him off. Tell him it’s irrelevant whether he’s cheating or not, it’s the disrespect and deceit that you’re done with.

Stuff this. It won’t get any better.
I had two very close male friends but when they entered into serious long term relationships I backed off. If I messaged them or called them I’d always ask after their partners. If we were going to meet up I would always suggest they brought their girlfriends too. There is no way I would have wanted a friendship that made their girlfriends feel excluded in any way. And if I baked a cake or sent a card it would be to both of them. I had very clear boundaries around this as there is no way I would have wanted their girlfriend to feel that I shared a closeness with their boyfriend that they were not part of.

I think it's odd to have an opposite sex friendship as close as this and not get together romantically unless one of them is gay.

I have male friends who I like to chat to and have a drink with sometimes who I don't fancy at all but I would not want to see them as often as this and bake cakes for them because I'd be putting that energy into someone I do fancy and can progress a relationship with.

The only male friend who I have ever baked a cake for I did very much want him to be my boyfriend and he didn't want me. We're both married to other people now and I only see him occasionally in group situations for the sake of my own sanity because tbh I still do like him 'that way'.

So what's the story? Does he fancy her and she's cruelly stringing him along in which case he needs to grow some balls and move on or does she fancy him. In which case why is he not with her? This seems unlikely to me.
Why is this friendship so important that he allows it to keep wrecking his relationships?

He lies and hides conversations from you. What future do you see in this relationship?

Two options

1. He tells you every time he sees her ..... just as he'd be likely to if he met a male friend
   He doesn't delete any conversations
   You three go out together sometimes
   (I wouldn't he fussed about his mum - they've obviously known each other a long time).

2. Dump him

The very first time he lied about seeing her should have been reason enough to break up with him.

Deleting messages - another reason to dump him.

Not including you in the friendship with her is dodgy and hurtful.

Please just walk away here, he will always prioritise her in his relationships, chances are they're FWB in between relationships.

You deserve so much better than this.

Run. Same thing happened to me and I accepted it at first, after all, who was I to say who his friends were? She was even sitting between us when we went out. Didn't like me apparently. Then they were having dates, she never brought her boyfriend with them - strange right. He was very, very protective over her. Once I went mad because she was grinding up and down his body in a pub and had her cigarettes in her pocket that she kept reaching in his trousers for. He had a go at me for upsetting her. He loved the triangulation. He would rub it in my face to get me to react. In the end I simply didn't care and dumped him.

I'd put money on her having feelings for him. This situation won't improve. You shouldn't have to feel like this. Cut your losses and end the relationship.

Yuk. It’s a messy situation and not worth the hassle.
Move on.

I don't think he's doing anything wrong but I also wouldn't be happy on your situation. Just not the relationship for you.

I WAS that friend.
22 years later we have two children and are very happy.
Sorry. Sack him off.

@Ponypizzy

I used to live in an area of a city I didn’t grow up in but loved living there. I’d moved there with a BF but we had split and I’d ended up meeting DH and settling there. Spent nearly twenty years there and was happy to stay longer and have D.C. grow up there. DH and I were moving house to a tall Victorian terrace (forever family house etc). We had thought about moving to the other side of the city many times to be nearer family but loved living where we were so decided to stay. Anyway (very) long story short DH got very ill two weeks before we moved and prognosis was he would be disabled for life. Victorian terrace therefore was not suitable and we pulled out of the sale. We ended up moving to the other side of the city after all as we coincidentally found a family sized bungalow nearer family so that decision about where to live was made for us.

The day we moved out of our family home where we had lived for 10 years and had D.C. I was devastated as it was really the end of an era of living where we loved and wanted to stay. Lots of emotion at the time also as DH was still in hospital so lots of stress and was moving temporarily with DParents while waiting for house to be available. As I walked to the estate agents to drop the keys off I bumped into my ex BF who I’d originally moved to the area with nearly 20 years before. He didn’t live there any more but was visiting his GF family for the day who lived nearby and had just stopped at the shops for something. It was a massive coincidence and I felt I’d gone full circle where the last person I met as I left was the person I’d moved there with years before. I definitely felt it was a sign of comfort at one of the worst and most stressful times in my life.

Oh god wrong thread I’ve reported sorry 😣

Just to be clear, DP and his ex had split up before we hit together and I certainly didn’t do anything to provoke problems.
We’re actually on good terms with his ex and her husband and have visited, but at the time, it was quite so amicable.