Co-parenting

[Labh]

Would like some advice.. I have a 1 year old daughter. She sees her dad 3/4 times a week 5 hours each time. He just moved flats and refuses to give me his address, he refuses to pay any child maintenance. He wants her for longer on them days,I personally think for her age that’s long enough on each day. I have never denied him access. I have suggested mediation as we can’t agree and he keeps ignoring me suggesting that and just gives me verbal/ text message abuse about it all.
I don’t really know what to do now

Go through the CMS for maintenance. He doesn’t get to decide he’s not paying it. Is he self employed?

Have you got a court order for contact? Have you been to mediation?

He sounds like a twat and you don’t want to be relying on a private arrangement for anything with someone who’s unreliable and obstructive.

You could refuse contact and tell him to go to court and make it official, what do you think he’d do?

Or suggest mediation, a less combative approach, and get a contact arrangement drawn up.

Without an agreement, if he’s on the birth certificate either of you could just decide to keep her and refuse to hand her over again without the other resorting to court.

He doesn't need to tell you his address but he does need to contribute to his child's upkeep. Have you put a claim into CMS? If not, do it now.

Why don't you suggest an access routine that suits you too, and if he doesn't like it, he needs to come to mediation. Five hour visits, every other day sounds like a lot to me for a 1yo and must cause you a lot of disruption.

Does he never have his child overnight so you can have an evening out?

I don’t agree that exes need to give addresses tbh but go to cms for maintenance you don’t have to ask him for it

Yeah I put a claim through and he’s missed 2 months from them aswell they are trying to chase him for it and now gonna go through his work. He just doesn’t want to pay maintenance for her.

It causes me so much disruption her night routine is messed up when she comes back. She never poos for him and when she comes straight back to me she poos. My health visitor said it’s not good. She’s so clingy and won’t let me put her down when she comes back. She rarely ever naps for me but everytime she’s with him she will nap for 2 hours. No he don’t have her overnight as he use to live in a shared accommodation and only had a room. I’m worried about her going overnight as the way she is when she comes back after 5 hours and when we was together until she was 4 months Old everytime I left her with him he would drink

That’s the thing I’m worried he just won’t bring her back one day then what do I do

I get he might not have to but surely if I was to move house I would have to give him my address or how else would he be able to get his daughter or me drop her off

No you wouldn’t, you could meet in a mutual place (super market, car park etc) or have him pick her up from school and return her

You could stop contact and insist on going through the courts as he won't disclose where your DD is when with him.

Do you feel he is at high risk of not returning her?

It's difficult to know what is going on. Was he controlling or do you just not trust him to look after her?

If your not comfortable with him seeing her so often and that's understandable as she's so young, let him go through the courts to get access.
He doesn't deserve to have it easy when he doesn't pay maintenance and being cagey about his address is him being awkward or hiding something.

I worry he won’t bring her back out of spite to me. He can switch quickly he can be all nice then really verbal towards me infront of our daughter.

That’s the thing I dunno how she feels until she can talk or why she is the way she is when she comes back.
He was a bit controlling and I just worry when he has her as When we was together he would drink alcohol when he would look after her. He admitted he would rather spend money on alcohol then his daughter.
When he lived with us he always out with his mates and never wanted to do anything as a family but since he cheated and messed up he now wants to play dad

What parent would allow their baby or child to go with another person, parent or otherwise, and not know where that baby / child is? No court would agree to him having unsupervised contact without providing his address. Stick to your guns.

I woukd get legal advice what you can and can't do.

I don't know many parents woukd send there child off to an unknown address.

What hours is he having her? Is he not working?

I would take proper legal advice. A solicitor can write to him setting out your proposed contact schedule, and then he can respond to that. If you can’t agree then the next step is mediation. But I’d always recommend keeping things in writing. It’s just better for both parties.

He works shift work so the days change every week. He sends me his rota and asks me to go through it but it always causes an argument as I have to work it around our daughter day care, if I’ve already made plans or if he’s already made plans. He don’t send me them in advance he sends it the night before. This is why I want to do set days so then our daughter has a routine then no arguments he’s busy that day etc.

He has her 5 hours a day 10-3 or 9-2

If you went to court he would be told to give you his rota when he gets in etc. He would also be expected to arrange a regular rota pattern.

You would not be expected to work around what he wants with such sort notice.

I suggest you set up a shared on line calendar and when you make plans with your DD you block those days out as her being unavailable for contact. You and DD are entitled to breaks away, visits to friends and family.

OP you need to get legal representation.

If you believe your daughter is in any risk of harm then you need to withdraw unsupervised access and tell him to go via the courts for a contact order.

I am not one to advise restricting access usually but you sound like you’re scared of him and he isn’t capable or responsible enough to look after a young child. He also doesn’t want to pay towards her cost of living.
Again; I wouldn’t usually say maintenance has anything to do with access, but in this case it’s just another example that he is irresponsible and not putting the welfare of his child before his own needs.

Seriously, get legal advice. You don’t need a solicitor for court but it’s worth paying just to get some advice beforehand.

Don’t be bullied into doing what HE wants, you need to prioritise your baby’s welfare and safety first

Go through CMS for child maintenance- you can’t reason with these dickheads once they start this shite. As for the contact arrangements I’d seek legal advice. In my experience you can’t coparent with someone who isn’t willing to put the child first because they’re too busy making everything about themselves.

Hi,

That all sounds very difficult. So there are three things you are concerned about:

1. You are concerned that the baby’s Dad will not return her if you don’t go along with his wishes for longer contact, and that he is withholding his address so you don’t know where your baby is when he is with her.

2. He isn’t paying any maintenance.

3. Your baby is displaying visible signs of unsettled and anxious behaviour after visits with her Dad which make you reluctant to allow longer visits.

If you still see your health visitor, tell her your specific concerns about her father taking her and not returning her, and about him withholding his address. You do need to set out all your worries about your baby’s behaviour after visits to her Dad. This is what HV’s need to know — so tell her about the pooing/sleeping/separation anxiety — ask her profesional opinion as to what is best for the baby.

Also I would phone up your local families hub tomorrow morning — as they will be able to put you in contact with legal advice and somone to speak to about the maintenance. You can find your nearest Families Hubb here: familyhubsnetwork.com/
Also tell them the effect the visits have on your baby.

If you are concerned that your ex partner will effectively abduct your baby to spite you for not agreeing to his demands, you must speak to someone ASAP. Nobody welcomes court orders or custody agreements but you cannot continue handing your baby over when you are worried about how she’s cared for, where she is, or whether she will be returned to you. If it’s an empty threat he’s making, at best, it’s bullying and manipulation to get you to do what he wants. He might not take it well that you are getting advice, but formal custody arrangements and maintenance payments let’s everyone know where they stand.

Best of luck.

He sounds pretty awful, you sound stressed and unsettled, your daughter sounds unhappy and deeply insecure with him. She’s also possibly not safe there.

You’ve had good advice here, please get legal advice and stop letting him push you around.