Page 2 | To consider cutting off my friend over this?

NoGoodPunsLeft · 08/04/2021 15:36

That's not your or his wife's responsibility though, that's on him.

Captnip500 · 08/04/2021 15:56

This all seems very dramatic to me, writing letters confessing affairs, making arrangements for people to be informed upon his death (assuming he isn’t expected to pass away soon). Is he a but if an attention seeker in general?

Either way, I wouldn’t want anything to do with this. It’s wrong of him to involve you and puts you in an awkward position. I think it would end the friendship for me, I couldn’t look at him the same again and would consider him a very selfish person.

I kind of wonder if this idea has come from woman he is having an affair with. If many of her close friends have been informed then it’s likely the truth will get back to her husband eventually. Maybe that’s what she wants to be found out to force the issue and has suggested this to him in the hope that you will spill the beans to his wife.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/04/2021 16:08

Stop taking care of him.

Tell his wife.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/04/2021 16:09

If you collude in this you’re ethically compromised.

Imelda03 · 08/04/2021 16:24

@marblegarble1

Name change as this is very outing if found.

A week ago I received a letter in the post from a friend. We have been friends for 15 years but not close, I think he considers us closer than I do because he isn't really into friendships. Anyway, he confessed an affair that he started when his wife was pregnant with their son. I follow his wife on social media but I don't know her other than that and we haven't seen each other for 6 years.

This affair was 3 years long but has apparently ended recently. I don't believe it will end. The letter gives me the contact details of the OW asking me that if my friend ever dies would I inform her? I've found her on FB, she is married too. Apparently started the affair whilst she was having IVF with her husband too.

There is so much more to this but I am feeling pretty pissed off that my friend has put this on me. He told me he confided in me because he knows I don't have connections to his family and friends that someone else he could tell might. I feel like I just want to cut him off for being such a selfish pr**k. AIBU? Part of me thinks it's not any of my business and therefore it shouldn't affect our friend but he has now actually made it my business and I don't like it.

Is he dying?? Why ask you to do that?

Original poster

marblegarble1 · 08/04/2021 16:28

He said to me he isn't dying or suicidal. I asked those questions pretty much straight away.

I think someone else nailed it on the head with the attention seeking thing.

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GreenlandTheMovie · 08/04/2021 16:40

If he really thought he was dying (which I'm sure he isn't), he would be checking his solicitor has his will and at the same time lodging the letter he wants you to get involved with.

I'd be suspicious she has ended it and he thinks by giving you her contact details, you will somehow get in touch with her and magically fix it for him.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/04/2021 16:40

Frankly I wouldn't give a shit about the MH of someone who is playing so fast and loose with the MH of their spouse.

Since it'll be obvious that you're the one informing her, first off I'd try to get ahold of her by phone and tell her then offer to send her a copy of the letter. If you can't/won't do it by phone, send her a copy of the letter via SM so he won't intercept it.

What a shit he is to put you in this position!! Do you think there are any other of his friends he's sent similar letters to?

Original poster

marblegarble1 · 08/04/2021 16:42

He put in a text to me something like 'When she ended it. We mutually ended it' which means she ended it, he's just in denial she did so is saying it's mutual to make himself feel better.

I'm a bit concerned how unstable he could be. For his wife's safety I mean. I haven't seen him in person for 6 years and he's in therapy but I'm unsure of how serious his mental health issues are.

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Original poster

marblegarble1 · 08/04/2021 16:48

He has chosen me because he is well aware I don't know her phone number, her place of work etc. They live across the other side of the country. I do know who her best friend is and who her sister is though on social media and I think he probably doesn't realise that.

I think I will send her a message and block him. I'm just a bit worried if he's more unstable than I know about that she could end up hurt or something.

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Sonofabiscuit · 08/04/2021 16:50

Hes not a friend asking you to do that .
As for the drama when he dies, tell him to arrange a solicitor to tell her .
Then I would ignore him and anymore letters or calls from him .

BalletTapModern · 08/04/2021 16:50

You asked do I consider cutting friend off? My answer- without doubt, cut the friendship off with the sharpest metaphorical knife you can find. Walk away from the wreckage. You have no obligation to this tosser.

saraclara · 08/04/2021 16:51

I wouldn't tell his wife. I'd simply say no, and tell him that he's put you in an impossible position and never to mention this again.

GreenlandTheMovie · 08/04/2021 17:03

@marblegarble1

He has chosen me because he is well aware I don't know her phone number, her place of work etc. They live across the other side of the country. I do know who her best friend is and who her sister is though on social media and I think he probably doesn't realise that.

I think I will send her a message and block him. I'm just a bit worried if he's more unstable than I know about that she could end up hurt or something.

The trouble is, by sending him a message, you are getting involved, when its best just to completely ignore this and block.

He's quite good at getting others to feel sympathetic for him, doesn't he? I wouldn't fall for it, or let him make you feel responsible/guilty about something you know nothing about.

Blankspace101 · 08/04/2021 18:18

I’m concerned about him talking about death. Is there are reason why this woman would need to know if he died? Was she the person that ended the relationship by any chance?

I don’t know what you hope to achieve by ending the friendship? But I know you might regret it if you cut him off without understanding more about his current state of mental health.

KoalaOok · 08/04/2021 19:05

Tell him to put it in his will

AcrossthePond55 · 08/04/2021 22:05

@marblegarble1

He has chosen me because he is well aware I don't know her phone number, her place of work etc. They live across the other side of the country. I do know who her best friend is and who her sister is though on social media and I think he probably doesn't realise that.

I think I will send her a message and block him. I'm just a bit worried if he's more unstable than I know about that she could end up hurt or something.

Sending her a message is the best way since you can't really contact her personally. It will be up to her to decide what to do with the information.

Would you feel comfortable not blocking him until a few days or a week after you've sent her the message? Maybe you could gauge her safety by his reaction/response to you (if any). If you feel concerned after that you could always message her BF or her sister and express your concern.

Lostinthemail · 09/04/2021 11:42

@marblegarble1

The only thing really keeping me from telling his wife is the current status of his mental health. This is, in my opinion, very strange behaviour and if I tell his wife I'm worried he may hurt/kill himself with the stress of it. He's never had great mental health the whole time I've known him.

I’d worry more about her wellbeing than his. People like him usually use that fear for their control. And if he does try to hurt himself (for real or to get attention), she can call the authorities.

Original poster

marblegarble1 · 12/04/2021 10:55

I told the wife in the end. They are working things out. The wife was grateful to be told.

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Tal45 · 12/04/2021 11:03

They are working things out?? Wow I don't think I could work out a three year affair.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/04/2021 11:15

Isn't it just lovely how these people think it's OK dragging other people unbidden into their messes!!

I see you've resolved it....

These people need to use solicitors rather than get others to do their dirty work...