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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Holiday contact for DC

23 replies

coco55 · 08/04/2021 14:12

I share a DC with my ex, it's fairly amicable between us. I asked him last week whether he was planning on having DC any of the 6 week summer holiday. He said yes but wasn't sure which week so would get back to me about possibilities.

He has got in touch this morning to say that he has booked x week off work. Now although I appreciate him taking the week off, I was under the impression that there would be some kind of discussion as to which week it would be. My DP is also having his DC for a week in the summer and we wanted to try and co ordinate so that we had the same weeks. This would mean I wouldn't have mine when he has his.

Would it be unreasonable for me to go back to my ex and said that that week doesn't work for me? Of course if that's the only week he can get off then fair enough, but I'm fairly sure it wouldn't be. I'm not sure whether I have any right to be a little annoyed or not!

OP posts:

Happycat1212 · 08/04/2021 14:37

Why would you be annoyed?

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 08/04/2021 14:42

That's so unfortunate! I'd go back to him and say is there any chance he could change it to any other week? I'd say in future you'd be better getting your options on the table as soon as you know them.

Original poster

coco55 · 08/04/2021 14:45

@Happycat1212 I guess because he agreed to discuss when would be a mutually good time to have the DC and he has gone ahead and booked a week off without me knowing which one before hand. He is now also saying that it is that week or no week at all!

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 08/04/2021 14:49

Isnt it just part and parcel of co parenting. He can only get that week. If you wanted him to take a particular week you should have said directly could you have the DC x week over the summer

KoalaOok · 08/04/2021 15:10

Is he just having the one week out of 6? I would be expecting him to have two at least

RevolutionRadio · 08/04/2021 15:12

He might not have had much choice of which week he could take, people book the summer holidays a long way in advance.

CallmeHendricks · 08/04/2021 15:12

Do you work, also, OP?
If so, why is he only having the kids one week out of six? How is it fair that you should have to juggle childcare for the other five?
And yes, he should have liaised with you as to which period of time suited you. Supposing you'd booked to go away that week?

eatsleepread · 08/04/2021 15:18

To be fair, your love life probably wasn't foremost in his mind when he booked it off.
He should have kept you updated, but it sounds like he maybe didn't have a choice in which week it was anyway.

Happycat1212 · 08/04/2021 15:20

Well she can’t make him have him anymore if he doesn’t want to 🤷‍♀️ Also I would understand if the op was working but if it’s just so she can spend time with her partner then I think it’s tough luck really, I would have personally put the date to him that I had in my first, he’s not a mind reader .

KoalaOok · 08/04/2021 15:24

Is a bit unfair to expect your ex to plan his leave around when your partners child is with him. But yes a quick email of these are the weeks I'd like can you do these? Would have been good rather than him just saying this week. You could always ask him if the other weeks are possible.

FireflyRainbow · 08/04/2021 15:27

People do book up in advance. It's looking like I won't get any time off in the school hols as I work with mainly woman with kids who got in there fast. My best bets taking the odd 1 day here and there. Can your partner not change his week.

Original poster

coco55 · 08/04/2021 15:28

I work full time so when I asked him about having DC I did say to him we needed to have a discussion about which week he was having her.

Yes he only ever has 1 week out of the 6.

I also need to book time off in the summer so I was hoping it would all be mutually agreed.

It doesn't have anything to do with my partner - obviously it would have been nice to have our DC as the same time as they get on like a house on fire!

OP posts:

FireflyRainbow · 08/04/2021 15:28

You did give him the option and he took one. Why didn't you say not that week.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/04/2021 15:29

Why didn’t you make specific suggestions?

Happycat1212 · 08/04/2021 15:29

You literally said in your op it was about your partner

SeasonFinale · 08/04/2021 15:30

So am I to understand that as yet you haven't actually arranged anything with DP's DC anyway so you can be flexible within the 5 weeks you have him anyway.

Seriously pick your battles.

Tinydinosaur · 08/04/2021 15:33

So it's not about your partner. It's just that he didn't ask your permission first?

I think you're just being a bit awkward for the sake of it tbh. Involving too many people means delay and he could have lost the chance for any holiday. You don't have anything booked that week. So to say no would just be to prove a point.

HugeAckmansWife · 08/04/2021 15:52

I get it op. It's not about asking permission, it's about open dialogue, a conversation like most normal people could have about arranging a mutually convenient time, but when it's an ex and coparenting, all reason goes out the window. If you both work full time he is damn bloody lucky he only has to cover one week, the least he could do is attempt to work with you. He could and should have taken the initiative in the first place, why is it always the RP that has to do that? And to the pp who sneered about the OPs 'love life' taking precedence, that's such typical gaslighting bullshit. For a start, its inaccurate as the op was hoping to have her and her step kids at the same time so they could play, which is perfectly sensible, and two, RPs are actually allowed to carve out a tiny smidgeon of time for themselves too, especially when they work ft and take the vast majority of the childcare burden. The NRP has it all his own way. How is it that fair? It may be that in this instance, the nrp has left it too late and this is the only week but if I was the OP, I'd be asking for much more forward planning in future, with the initiative coming from him.

Happycat1212 · 08/04/2021 15:54

I read it as the op wanting to be child free when her partner is, so they have time to spend together without the kids not so the children can both play together. I Think you’ve read it wrong!

Rtmhwales · 08/04/2021 16:00

I don't think you are being unreasonable. DP and XW have this (except we have ten weeks summer vacation and they each take 2 solid weeks and keep the normal custody schedule the rest) and it's always a discussion. We are finalizing it for July and august as we speak but we let each other know what weeks don't work for us etc. I think you could've been clearer though - hey for the week you have DD, XYZ are not good weeks for me. Easy. Ish.

BusyLizzie61 · 08/04/2021 16:48

[quote coco55]@Happycat1212 I guess because he agreed to discuss when would be a mutually good time to have the DC and he has gone ahead and booked a week off without me knowing which one before hand. He is now also saying that it is that week or no week at all![/quote]
Tbh, I think that leaving booking August annual leave until April, then I'd think that he's lucky to be able to get a week at all.
I think that it's you wishing to sync dates re your ohs sc, so maybe if so important, then speak to his ex...

BusyLizzie61 · 08/04/2021 16:53

If you want to have a more established/organised approach, then I would suggest you agree dates for the year and share an online calendar, to see if that would allow for more discussion. Even if it were that he has the weeks that he could take take dc for the summer highlighted and confirms when successfully booked.

KoalaOok · 08/04/2021 17:08

your OP says it is a out your partner and now you are saying it isn't. I think next year plan way in advance if you want a certain week off in the summer holidays and get it booked. Plan holidays with your ex well in advance as April is cutting it a bit fine.

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