Hi, I've never talked about this with anyone, and even writing it down is putting my stomach in knots, but I really need some advice and insight.
My DH and I have been together for 18 years. Three children, aged between 6 and 15. My DH has always struggled with difficult emotions. He had a difficult childhood (narcissistic parents) which he has only come to realise as he's been an adult. After a number of difficult years trying to set boundaries and build a relationship, we are no longer in contact with DH's parents.
It feels to me like DH has been on a downward spiral ever since. He's depressed and takes meds from the GP but will not engage with counselling. He's incredibly defensive, and takes anything negative as a personal attack. He creates enormous tasks for himself, work/DIY and has incredibly high standards for everything, that the reality of life with three children will never meet.
The last 3 years have been particularly hard, and I've adjusted in order to try and meet his standards, and accommodate his extreme moods. I work part time so that I can keep the wheels turning for the children and always be there for them. I've given up hobbies and volunteering (pre covid!) to remain at home and just keep things stable.
I want the children to have no doubts they are loved and cherished, and if DH isn't talking to us or is focused on a project, I try to keep them distracted from the tension I know they feel.
I think I've always thought it will get better and that DH will at some point open up and accept help. Last summer he threatened suicide on three occasions but still refused to speak to anyone. He blames himself and I can tell carries huge guilt, but then also blames us. He takes any bad behaviour by the children (they are normal kids) as a personal criticism, and accuses me of enabling their bad behaviour, without showing any empathy for everything they've also been through in the past year. For example if the older ones are grumpy getting up in the mornings, he says it's my fault and they have bad attitudes. It's like a vicious cycle of highs and lows.
This is also exacerbated by events - days out, meeting family/friends, even birthdays and Christmas in recent years. It's like he braces himself for something awful, and then is so exhausted by the effort of behaving 'normally' he falls apart afterwards, if that makes sense?
My problem is, it's not changing, the children are aware and it's all getting more frequent and I don't know what to do.
I want a happy home, I want the children to feel safe and secure and I want DH to get help - I want him to understand I can't fix him, but I can support him in taking the steps to access support.
Do I just need to try and keep things going, to put it down to an awful year and try to keep getting us through this Covid bit and hope that when he goes back to working in the office, it'll balance things out? AIBU to think, deep down nothing will change, or am I just tired and worn down by the last year?
I don't even know what I would do if I had to end things. He earns four times my salary, but believes we should contribute 50% - 50% to the house. As a result, I'm permanently stretched and have accumulated debt in the past 4 years, just to keep everything going. I am treading water right now on a very tight budget in terms of household expenses and servicing (not paying off) debt. I just can't afford to go it alone so would need a plan to make it work.
So in summary, AIBU to think it's not going to change, or do I just need to hang on a bit longer in the hope it does? Thanks.