Going No Contact With MIL

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

I’m at breaking point tbh.

I have been with my husband for 7 years, we have a 5 year old. MIL wasn’t a very good mum, she regularly left Dh home alone as a young child, and wasn’t really there for him. This has caused him to not be able to express his feelings very well.

Anyway, we have tried so hard to have a relationship with her. We’ve took her out for her birthdays, took her to a show in London she wanted to see etc. She has never even sent DD a birthday card. It was my Dh 30th last year and she turned up 2 months early with his present because she thought his birthday was then...

She lives 10 mins away and we’ve seen her once in the last year.. obviously coronavirus has been a pain but even when things unlocked she wasn’t bothered, but she meets up with her “work family”.

It’s the fakeness on Facebook that’s tipped me over the edge. She is massively playing off my Dh and his sil. She constantly says horrible stuff about SIL to Dh (and visa versa!) but atm they are all over each other on FB. She is sharing photos of DN, saying how much of an amazing mum sil is etc. She has never done any of this for DD or me, or even DH.

She has started sharing shitty quotes like “if you don’t bother with me, don’t expect me to bother with you” and about walking away from relationships..

All this because Dh didn’t message her happy Mother’s Day by 9am, because he was asleep on nights.

I remember when dd was born she would make us take pictures of her and dd just so she could put them on fb.
We have tried telling her that her behaviour has upset us and we want a better relationship but she doesn’t even acknowledge dhs feelings. I feel like we’ve been waiting years for her to become this nanny that she isn’t. (My mum died a few years ago anx would give anything to have been here stilll.)
I just feel upset with her. We have done so much more for her than SIL has ever done and I feel like it’s a kick in the face.
She’s 50 and she goes on and on about how old she is and that she’s too old to come to the park/go to the farm/do anything with us.

On Facebook her work friends constantly call her “work mum” and she bloody loves it, she tells them that she loves them etc and really plays the victim.

I need to delete her off Facebook/stop looking but I’m so hurt for DH and DD. I know if I delete her it’s going to kick off but tbh it’s gone too far now!
Ahhhhhh..

I feel like we’ve been waiting years for her to become this nanny that she isn’t.

You are being UR here. Why do you have any expectations of her as a grandparent, when you know that she wasn't a good parent.

Block her on SM, engage with her as little as possible and stop seeking approval, validation or having high expectations of her.
It is her loss.

Honestly you need to just stop. She is a shitty mother, she always has been, why are you expecting more or expecting her to change? Step back, all of you. I wouldn't even say anything, who needs the drama? Restrict her on FB, let it wash over you, she's not your mother, who cares? If she's been a shit mother why have you hoped she'd be any different with your child than she was with her own? And why would you want her to be. She's not your mother, fuck her, see her for what she is, definitely adjust your expectations and stop wanting what she will never give you. You will feel much better once you change your attitude to her instead of expecting her to change

How does your DH feel about it? Tbh I'd deleted her ot at least unfollow her so you don't have ti see her

It’s a horrible situation and much harder to walk away than previous posters suggest. What does your husband say? I think you need to take his lead really as it’s his mum, but you shouldn’t have to interact with her more than absolutely necessary if it’s causing you upset. She sounds like a classic narcissist (definitely good reason to go no contact!)

Firstly hide her on Facebook, you don't need to see her posts.

Then just back off. She's fairly disinterested anyway so she probably won't notice at first.

You are probably more frustrated because your mum can't be there for you and MIL is choosing not to be.

You need to grieve for the grandparent relationship you wanted your DD to have with your mum.

She's not been a good mother so she won't be a good grandparent.

Op it's so awful and more painful when your own dm is not around.

As others have said, she is what she is and unfortunately won't be changed etc.
I'm sure she has her own views and perspective on things but being so flakey herself and yet expecting something different back is not fair behaviour.

It's also not really fair on your dc if she is being treated differently.. You have tried to include her but to no avail.. What else can you do?

Lower expectations right down... Stop inviting or bothering (unless your dh does of course) and fade out. I don't believe in big announcements and flounces..just fade away..

You can unfollow on Facebook rather than block & her posts won’t show up on your newsfeed.
Then you won’t see her posts & can avoid at least some of what’s upsetting you.
I’d let it go though if you can. You can’t control other people’s actions, but you can control your reaction.