To not want a birthing partner?

[megaann]

So I'm having an elective section in a few weeks, I know the date, as does my dh obviously as we have a toddler.
The plan was originally, DH stays at home with toddler and not come visit me at all, as we don't want toddler distressed when she has to leave at end of visiting, and hopefully I will be discharged after 24 hours and then come home.

My mum now has it in her head, this is completely ridiculous and she will come down (7 hours away) when I'm in labour or my section date (she doesn't know my date is booked already)

My issue is, you can only have one selected birthing partner and cannot swap, so if say I actually decide, I want my husband and child to come visit me in hospital, they won't be able to if my mum is there or if my husband decides last minute that he wants too also!.

My mum said she can also mind dd but dd has seen her once since lockdown and will be more distressed with her, at least with dh its her father and she's comfortable being with him for any length of time.

Another issue is, my mum doesn't social distance, and she downplays a cold and thinks I'm ridiculous for not wanting someone with a sniffle around my (newborn at the time of dd) so I know she won't tell me if she feels under the weather. Also if I'm recovering and maybe not in the greatest of moods, she will take that as a personal dig at her (she's bipolar) and will mention it at a later date, she likes to use things against me.

I know this sounds as if I don't want my mum there, but at the same time id rather have her there meet the baby in a sanitised environment where she won't be able to smoke, then she can go back home the next day and leave me to it. Otherwise it's a nightmare with her visiting as she moans that I ask her not to smoke, before coming in my house, or if she does, to wash her hands etc and she she kicks off that I accuse her of being "dirty" (that's a whole other thread)

dh doesn't want her to be there but at the same time, doesn't want me to be alone, and it's completely my choice.. and his original plan was for us as a new family of 4 to cocoon without visitors for 2 weeks, but if my mum is there etc, we won't have a leg to stand on in regards to his family who literally live 10 minutes away.

Am I being over dramatic? Like what would you do?

[AnotherEmma]

I think your thread title is misleading. Your clearly have very good reasons for not wanting your mother to be your birth partner. But it's not clear how you actually feel about not having one at all. It's fine not to have one if you don't want one, most women would want someone though. Is there really no one who could look after DD so that your DP could be with you? Presumably with an ELCS you know the day and time so it will actually be pretty straightforward to organise childcare. Are you a SAHM or does she go to nursery/childminder usually?

[TheMayQueen]

You're not being dramatic at all, you should do exactly as you want.

You don't even have to tell your mum the date, just tell her when the baby has arrived.

[MouseInCatsClaws]

Couldn't your in-laws mind your daughter so your husband can be with you? Your mum sounds a bit difficult so I'd be telling her after the baby arrives, to be honest

[megaann]

@AnotherEmma

I think your thread title is misleading. Your clearly have very good reasons for not wanting your mother to be your birth partner. But it's not clear how you actually feel about not having one at all. It's fine not to have one if you don't want one, most women would want someone though. Is there really no one who could look after DD so that your DP could be with you? Presumably with an ELCS you know the day and time so it will actually be pretty straightforward to organise childcare. Are you a SAHM or does she go to nursery/childminder usually?

I'm a stay at home and she's never been nursery or childminder, tbh she has never been with anyone except me or dh.

I don't mind the whole thing, I gave birth to my second child (loss) alone but it's just I feel guilted I guess.

What I think might be a good option is, possibly my mum looking after DD for a few hours while dh is with me for the surgery...but then mum can't come visit as I can't swap partners! so she will be miffed, and DH doesn't trust his family house as his younger brother is constantly out partying and doesn't trust them regarding Covid lol.

[megaann]

@MouseInCatsClaws

Couldn't your in-laws mind your daughter so your husband can be with you? Your mum sounds a bit difficult so I'd be telling her after the baby arrives, to be honest

my dh doesn't trust the household.
But I am trying to tell dh that his parents are vaccinated and dd adores youngest BIL (8) so I'm sure dd will be entertained for a few hours while he accompanies with me to the surgery part and then could pick her up for her to meet the baby (parents own children allowed in visiting)

but he is adamant that there is so much risk....

[user1493413286]

It sounds like it’d just be stressful for your mum to be there. Do what you want and don’t feel you have to put your mums feelings first.

[MouseInCatsClaws]

That's tricky then, if your husband is worried about covid. I suppose you're left to decide what the least bad option is then.

And I'm sorry for the loss of your second child, if I've understood correctly.