Today I'd had enough

[emzyemzy]

Son 13 nearly 14, SEN, ADHD, Anxiety and Sensory issues
Daughter 9, SEN, general learning difficulties, dyspraxia, dyslexia, sensory issues

My son is a complex soul, he has a very short temper and has lashed out at me in the past, although not recently
Regularly have issues getting ready for school, refusing, time wasting and immature behaviour, noises, ignoring, etc

Last night he decided to lay on the living room floor and refuse to brush his teeth, tried to ignore the behaviour, but to be honest I was exhausted and was probably sharper than usual, in the end the consequence after 30 mins was no PS4 for 24 hours, password changed by me, he started to be more reasonable, did his teeth and was trying to negotiate, I said goodnight, love you and went to bed
This morning I woke him at 1130am and bought his breakfast, he started demanding his password and started with various accusations,I don't wake him up properly, I shout every day, I'm the worse mum in the world, he hates me, doesn't love me

I left him in his room as it was clear my presence was escalating the situation, I said love you and you can have password as originally planned, apparently I never let him do anything, I come into his room which is invading his privacy, etc

This is something that occurs atleast 3 times a week, I'm a fat c!nt (I'm no Kate Moss definitely) he hates me, doesn't love me

I ended up in tears downstairs, daughter gave me some tissues, I tried to ring my GP but they had no appointments until end of the week and I'm not sure what I wanted them to do anyway 🙄

I tried to act normally for youngest, made lunch etc and put a brave face on, I'm just knackered, it's hard walking on eggshells every day, I hate that I lose my patience and I know I'm certainly no amazing parent, I nearly rang Samaritans for someone to talk to but not much point with my youngest around as I wouldn't want her to hear

I don't know why I'm writing all this, just to get it out of my head

Background, I'm a single mum, work full time as a teaching assistant for autistic young people
I have all the training, done all the behaviour courses etc but I'm failing spectacularly and just need to vent

I would have enough a long time ago.

, whichever your fancy is. I have no advice or experience but you have a LOT of shit going on and I can't imagine your job is relaxing either.

Everyone has a breaking point.

Take a deep breath and try take some time for you . Even if it is a 30 min bath. You have done nothing wrong . Your son is annoyed that you have followed through with the consequences of his behaviour. The worst thing you can do is back down. Ignore the current behaviour as it is a reaction to the consequence. Once the 24 hours is up and he can get the game back calmly explain to him why it happened and leave it at that. Until then I wouldn't get into a confrontation as he isn't going to be in the place to be reasonable about it and will likely escalate and not be able to back down. If your taking dinner just chap the door and say dinner is ready and leave again. I hope you are ok and remember what he is saying , he doesn't mean . He is wanting to punish you for following through with the consequences. Take care💕

Good god you are so not failing. You are doing tremendously, in a fecking difficult position that would no doubt test the Dali Lama. Don't know what to say other than can I just get you a cup of tea?

You are a parenting hero.

Just hold on.

Sorry it's so hard for you.

I agree to all the comments about not failing! You’ve got so much on your plate and you need to take care of yourself too remember! My DD is still a baby so I have no experience but be kind to yourself, your doing so much and your amazing for doing so ♥️

First things first, you are NOT failing spectacularly. You’re doing amazing. Parenting children with SEN is a completely different ball game. Both of my children have SEN too.

My son is 11, he has Autism, ADHD, anxiety, crippling OCD and sensory issues.
My daughter is 7, Autistic, has learning disabilities, is a carrier of Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy and has associated health problems - mostly affecting her heart, she has severe sensory issues, the list goes on!

You have literally described my son here. His behaviour during the Easter holidays has been abominable and I am so so tired. I am putting it down to being off school again. All the back and forth with school has been hell. He was so happy to be back and now it’s two weeks off again! Neither of my two can deal with this chaotic routine, lockdown has been hell for our family. I can’t wait for Monday. They thrive with the routine of school.

My son is incredibly emotionally sensitive and he too says the things your son says (never let him do anything, we’re mean etc etc) it is very draining and sometimes we just have nothing left to give.

We only have so much energy to try combat the tough days and when it’s gone, it’s gone. I have had so many days where I’ve crumbled into a heap of tears and exhaustion and sobbed like I never knew possible, all to try and get some sleep through the endless nightwakings to start it all again the following day.

You are only human to feel this way and especially as a single parent, you sharing this shows how much you care and so couldn’t possibly be failing. Hell there’s no rule book or manual for our children, we’re literally taking each day as it comes never knowing what each day will hold.

Would your son be open to writing down what he’s feeling/struggling with and you both then have a discussion about it afterwards. When my son is acting this way it ALWAYS comes out eventually what the actual underlying problem is.

(Also my two both despise brushing their teeth. My youngest never does unless we pin her down to do it which is horrific. I have recently found some new toothpaste which my son will happily use and he will brush quite happily (touch wood 🤞🏻) and my youngest let me brush using the new toothpaste while she was in the bath the other day!! It was like a tiny miracle in our house. I’ve attached a pic if you wanted to try it. This is, of course, if your son won’t brush for sensory reasons, if not then please ignore this bit of my post.

Definitely a parenting hero OP, you are doing amazingly! It sounds incredibly hard though, are you able to have a break (appreciate that may be even harder than normal at the moment)?

Forgot to add the pic 🤦🏼‍♀️

@trujay you are an inspiration. I think you should write a book. What a wonderful, supportive, empathetic post.

Don’t compare how you feel/respond to the kids at work, to how you respond and feel to your own.

It’s not personal at school or at home. It just feels more personal from your own.

How much (if any) therapeutic help does DS get?
Educational support should go hand in hand with personal/social skills therapy - to help him navigate life - puberty and beyond.
With DS, I call these therapies ‘soft skills’. The behaviours that most of us navigate well and take for granted.

Just hold the line for the moment. If you say it - do it.

@SummerHouse thank you so much, what a lovely comment. I always wanted to be a writer from a very young age, I love to write

You are not failing. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job under the circumstances even if it doesn't feel like it.

Sounds like you could do with some good support around you. Is there anyone you could speak to? Speaking with the doctor might he a good option - they may be able to refer you to support groups/counselling etc.

@Trujay
@WhoKnew19
@IslandGirl5
@SummerHouse
@1992Em
@idontlikealdi

Thankyou all so much
It breaks my heart to see him in so much angst and pain and it breaks my heart that my daughter has to witness things no child should see

Tomorrow is a new day, I shall try again, and I shall as always remind him I love him and always will be there no matter what

He's just come down and said love you and what snacks are there, I smiled and responded as if nothing had happened, after the moment it's done for him and little is gained from rehashing situations
He's happily trotted up upstairs with the password as promised and I am going for a walk round the block with the youngest

His behaviour is reminiscent of his father who most definitely has ADHD, etc and was emotionally and physically abusive, sometimes that is what gets me

Thankyou again all so much, you've helped a knackered, frayed mum carry on and for that I'm very grateful

Approach Early Help.
You might be given a support worker who would could offer some respite care.

You are not failing.

You are doing great.

Everyone is fed and watered with a roof over their head and warm and clothed.

Some days that's all you can do and that's enough.

I totally resonate with you and trujay

I'm also a LP. My ds has ASD, sensory motor planning problems, severe problems with executive functioning, SpLD and hereditary spastic paraplegia.

Also a teenager.

Some days I manage better than others. Some days I find everything just gets to me. Again it's usually when he's out of routine and I have to micromanage him to get things done and then he gets cross at me for doing it. Yet he's always asked me to support him and during lockdown even made me make him a routine as he wasn't coping without it

I also work in a school for children with SLD and I work in the autistic unit. I am even the behaviour support worker.

Truth is - although I think I should be able to do better because of my job it's not the same.

At home there's no team around me to confirm they agree with my suggestions or actions. No one to tag team with when I need a break. There's no one to talk to after a difficult moment or give you a chocolate or make a coffee. No one in general just to chat to to distract you.

In the same way we don't judge the parents of the kids we support because we realise school day and having a team is different for us we shouldn't judge ourselves.

I'm wondering if he'd benefit from working with you to make a timetable for the holidays.
I have some giant post it weekly planners and break each day into an hour and write what's happening.
He can have input but if my ds knows if he wants to want something on tv at 9pm he needs to finish computer at 8.45 for pjs, wash and teeth. Without the visual reminder he'd come off at 8.59 and then stress because it just didn't occur to him that when it starts at 9 there isn't time in that minute to do what he needs to do.

The same with if I say we are leaving house at 10am I also need to make sure he knows at 9.30am he needs to do x y and z. Or he will think at 9.59 he now needs to move as we are leaving at 10.

It's exhausting. And if you need to speak to someone like Samaritans then do it. I'm sure you can call anytime and so when kids are in bed you can call them

Oh my god you are not failing. There is so much on your shoulders, and you sound like you are doing so well. Your children are lucky to have you.

So glad to hear your update OP. This thread is heartbreaking and uplifting. to all posters who are doing this incredibly difficult role with such determination and love.

@AuntyFungal he has 20mins with a support person from his school a week, otherwise he is is not given much intervention, he has a one plan but displays near perfect behaviour at school, something I've repeatedly told the school comes at a huge cost, his need to be perfect, perceived as "normal", to be the best at everything has its price, which we at home pay for dearly.

I hold my line, much to his fury and he has in the past spoken of self harm and taking his life, he has had therapeutic input whilst in primary however they felt he was guarding, giving the answers they wanted to hear and they stopped sessions after 10 weeks

@TruJay thankyou for the recommendation, I will utilise good old Amazon prime
And for your thoughtful words, your wisdom comes through clearly

@1morewineplease thankyou that is something I will explore

@LittleLadyCece I have a local support group however their sessions are when I'm working, I will see who else I can reach out too

To everyone, I feel lighter having shared my burden and receiving affirmation I am not alone
I'm going to do some diamond painting, (a new hobby that distracts), have a bath and an early night

Thankyou all, including anyone's comments I've missed or not directly responded too

@itsgettingwierd yep you've got it in one, at work I know the day will end, I know the buck doesn't stop solely with me and I know I can rant to a colleague 🤪 and yes I will explore plans such as timetable or visual planner to give him routine

@BeetyAxe thankyou

@SummerHouse I try to remember he didn't ask to be on the spectrum, that he is a child and that the world especially at the moment is an absolute ar#e sometimes, thankyou

Emzy yeah never underestimate being able to say to a college "x is a challenge today" however politely you may or not put it and being at home alone and it being "feck me - I'm cocking this up today" because you are talking to yourself you blame yourself.

Fuck is a word that gets used here a lot! I don't encourage it but ds replaced hair pulling, head butting hard objects, poking his eyeballs and attempted suicide and suicidal thoughts with "fuck" so I may my peace with it pretty quickly.

It's not something I'd ever think I'd condone as a parent but we have 1 rule!

The swearing is only in the house, only when it's is 2 and MUST be used in context.

You have my full sympathy it’s so hard.

I’m afraid part of my approach is to never take away the iPad for more than a very short period of time simply because that just ends up punishing us both.

You're doing amazingly well, under such trying circumstances. It's important that you know that. 💐

I am a single parent, my daughter has autism and severe MH issues, her teenage years were absolutely horrific.

I approached my local Carers Support and had some counselling. It was so helpful to get out all my dark thoughts and feelings with a compassionate "stranger" who never judged me.

I have to agree with Sirzy that consequences needed to be short in our house. So I could stick to them and not suffer more than her!

@emzyemzy Hey Emzy, just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing