How to stay sane with a 1 and 3 year old?

[1234512345Meh]

I have a just 3 and 18 month old. I love them to pieces but feeling the slog this week.

How do you keep them both busy/happy?

Mornings I tend to go out to the park or whatever. Fresh air. Not losing the 3 y/o and the 1y/o not eating too much mud is the measure of success of these outings but generally the mornings are ok.

When we get in, we have lunch and then youngest has a nap. At nap time I either do something 1-1 with eldest or let him have some screen time so I can get jobs done.

2pm - bedtime is pretty long and sometimes dreadful. The youngest wrecks anything the eldest tries to play like train tracks, Lego (just by wanting to join in) but is too young to understand what he’s doing really.

I’ve tried putting eldest in his room but this just ends up with him shouting me with a running commentary of his game/requests for things as an excuse to see me. This is a bit annoying and disturbs my husband who wfh.

So my AIBU is really... am I being unreasonable to expect to be able to manage my children better in the afternoon?!

Any tips for facilitating us/them playing in the same room?

Writing this down makes it look like the easy option would seem to be to go to the park twice a day but surely they should be able to play with toys... I’m getting nothing done...

I have had to lower my standards somewhat. Not to the point where we live in filth and the children are not safe but I've really had to not expect so much of myself as a mother. All your input as a parent sounds great. My children argue what feels like all the time. DS7 builds a den, the youngest wrecks it. Eldest whines a lot. DS7 gets frustrated and I have to spend a long time refereeing. Regarding getting things done, it's just tough. I do my best, we all do. The house never ever feels kept ontop of. The best times are when we are out walking or when we are all playing a board game or doing baking or a craft activity if the youngest naps or is in a good enough mood to play alongside the activity. I struggle with the age gaps and them all being at different stages, trying to keep them all from killing each other happy.

Lean into the madness. Don't expect too much of them or yourself. It will get better.

I listen to podcasts and playlists on wireless headphones (not all day) as I tidy around and they bimble about. It feels like a minor rebellion against two little tyrants on the bad days and on the good days it doesn't occur to me to do it.

I put them both into nursery and go back to work!!

BUT, if that isn’t an option for you, and mine are in 3 days a week so I have 2 with them (and my mums help)... our daily routine goes something like:

7.30-9.30: Breakfast/get changed. I don’t mind cartoons on for my 3yr old if needed
10-midday: Parks, play areas, bike ride, supermarket, anything that involves them being out of the house. When playgroups start up again a lot of them are morning based so we will do these (from next week!). Bring sandwiches and snacks.
12-2pm Baby naps, try and do something educational/arty with elder DC
2-4pm - playtime at home. In the garden if it’s warm enough or sometimes we have the TV on and watch movies
4-5pm - dinner time
6pm - daddy takes over.. bath and bed etc

It doesn’t always run smoothly and some days we watch a lot more TV than planned. It’s very hard when the weather is crap and nothing is open.

Obviously once everything is back to normal we’ll do more days out to zoos and farms etc. Or aim for an afternoon playgroup sesh too.

@MerryDecembermas

Put the trainset / playdoh etc on the dining table for 3yo to have away from 1yo.

My one year old can confidently climb onto tables 🙈 And very jealous of any activity that happens without them.

I do work a few days a week :)

But on my days off I often feel I’m doing it ‘wrong’.

Lots of these replies help with my expectations vs reality I suppose...

I the first lock down I had a just turned 3 and just turned 1 year old.

I hated the late afternoons with a passion! Mornings were a walk to the park, baby club and some other activity, lunch, nap / quiet time but then I just ran out of steam.

I still do now. In the summer months I can drag them out for another walk or to go to a shop or something. In the winter it's just painful it being so dark and cold.

No real advice, but you're not alone and CBeebies is great

I would meet up with friends. Allowed now so why not? Also maybe you can go to a playgroup a couple of mornings a week now. Things are getting better

It honestly used to make me feel like such w failure when people said two children were easier than one etc. I think there is a bit of forgetting that goes on when they’re under 2 but honestly the last few months for us have got so much better as the younger one can do more. I noticed big changes every 2-3 months from about 16m so there is hope. I’m expecting things to hopefully feel easier again in 6 months time once (hopefully) the younger one can talk more.

At this age it's a huge struggle, but give it a year and you'll actually get some alone time while they play with each other and it's worth the early stress. When my eldest were that age I tried to be out all day every day. It was easier as we had pools and soft play and toddler groups etc. I'd just either get outside or put them in water. Bathtime can take an hour at ours, put them in the bath, let them play, blow some bubbles, make some sort of pointless challenge, get them out the bath and let them chill with a few mins of TV. Every day 😂

@1234512345Meh

I do work a few days a week :)

But on my days off I often feel I’m doing it ‘wrong’.

Lots of these replies help with my expectations vs reality I suppose...

So you only have them 2/3 full days anyway? I did sympathise however my husband worked away and I had both 24/7 for months on end until he came home the odd weekend.

Have a more relaxed morning. Either take a picnic lunch or go out after lunch to wear them out for bedtime. Home for tea, bath and bed.

This was absolutely the hardest stage for me, with this age gap.

I had stairgates up between living room and dining room, and living room and kitchen. I put a little coffee table up near the doorway on the dining room side. Older one could do Duplo etc on that while I played with little one on the opposite side, literally only a metre away. We were all "together" but older one's stuff was protected. When I cooked I had one in the highchair in the kitchen with me (and yes there wasn't really room - tiny double galley kitchen) and the other nearby on the other side of the stair gate.

Also a special basket of favourite toys that came out only when I really needed to get something done.

When does your 3 year old start their nursery space? Do you have a garden?

So you only have them 2/3 full days anyway? I did sympathise however my husband worked away and I had both 24/7 for months on end until he came home the odd weekend.

It isn't a competition @RevolvingPivot. It's a tough age whatever the situation and the OP hasn't in any way suggested her situation is worse than others.

We found playing in the house in the morning and then going out in the afternoon better for us when my children were that age (or a group in the morning and park afternoon). Are any toddler groups opening near you OP? That could really help?

Like others I have a similar gap and it got significantly better at 5 and 3. They're now 6 and 4 and still improving. The biggest improvement is that I can sit and watch them at the park apart from the odd push on the swing which makes it less boring than trudging along after them ensuring the small one doesn't hurt himself.

I agree with those saying, quiet morning, busy afternoon. Have a slow start... there's already a mess from breakfast so use that opportunity to do some messy play/painting and get it even messier. Then clean everyone up, snack, some time on the floor with them reading and playing and it will be lunchtime. After lunch the little one has a nap then you all head out together. By the time you're home you can start supper prep then it's bedtime routine.

Also, mine were always involved in things like cooking, even from those ages. Yes it took ages but we had plenty of time!

Alternatively - are playgroups open yet? The 3 year old might enjoy a few mornings a week at playgroup. I absolutely loved this age of just having two pre-schoolers but my oldest was in playgroup 3 mornings a week from 2.5.

Focus on children not housework.

Structured and planned programme of activities instead of free rein.
Don’t necessarily expect them to cope with being self employed at this age. It will be easier not it’s getting warmer and you can be out more - and more things are opening up.
Meet up with other people with little ones or granny.

It doesn’t have to be expensive activities but something you decide and lead. Junk modelling. Homemade play dough. Teddy bears picnic. Baking. Building sandcastles.Water play in the garden. Feeding the ducks. Music session - action rhymes. Gardening and watering their beans or sunflowers. Polishing and helping with jobs. Going to see new lambs in the fields. Chalk drawing on terrace. Painting fences/Wendy house with water.

In terms of juggling can you afford a cleaner once a week? If not, set aside a couple of hours when you and your husband/ partner do the housework. Would granny come over and do a whizz around for you or pick up some laundry?

Online food shopping with a two or three week menu. Don’t try and be overly clever about food. Stick with simple but eaten. Bulk cook every so often with partner/spouse taking children out whilst you do. That way you can have bolognese, casseroles, sweet and sour, chilli, curry, soup, macaroni or cauliflower cheese all ready to just defrost when needed.

And agree put in afternoon is probably better. Avoid rushing.

I was doing this gig and that’s why I decided to work a few days after the first lockdown...because I find it hard to be home with them all the time.

Fortunately husband home a bit now due to Covid but he’s rarely finished till after bedtime.

Anyway... thanks to everyone with constructive suggestions. I think I need to be patient... the 1yo will be able to ‘join in’ more with activities in time.

The first bit was @RevolvingPivot

Its really hard isn't it, I've the same age gap but mine are 6 weeks and 2 - hard for slightly different reasons but the crux is they both want/need your full attention and there's no chance to get anything done! I dont even attempt housework unless there's a severe mess, 2yo has to tidy toys as she goes (with help) and I'm very lucky she still naps so I prepare lunch then. Once everyone is asleep I clean the house from top to bottom (often with the baby in a sling or have to stop half way through to feed her). The sling is brilliant through the day so I can still play with DD2 (not suggesting you use it for a 1yo!) And I usually have at least one activity set up for DD2, eg a sensory tray, painting, play doh small world set up - only takes me 5-10 mins to prep the night before but because its something new it generally keeps her attention so I whip it out at the most stressful moment. In terms of playing independently I find that if I give her a good 10 mins attention at the start and get her engaged shes more likely to carry on on her own- so if you can distract your 1yo for a short time (maybe with a screen if needs be) to start the 3yo on a game then you will probably get a good 30 mins of them playing independently so you can focus on the 1yo for a while.

My oldest is 12 so usually a big help but shes awful to get out the house in time for school- can sometimes still be singing her heart out in the shower with 10 mins til she needs to leave while I've got a baby on each boob and am standing outside the bathroom kicking the door to get her attention. When were having one of those mornings then the little ones get cbeebies put on and I do not feel the slightest bit bad - you have to do whatever you need to do!

Good luck, it will get easier! You're probably in the hardest bit now until they're teenagers.