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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Want to be at peace with being introverted

21 replies

Painauchocolat189 · 07/04/2021 11:57

I'm getting there, I've become confident in the fact that I'm teetotal and make no apologies for it, just trying to work on other things.
When I was younger, I wanted to be friends with everyone. I would chase friendships where the person wasn't a good friend at all or just not that interested, just to say they were my friends.
Now I've got older, I've realised I am really not bothered. I have a great family who I'm very fortunate to have, my partner who I live with. I have 2 friends that I see maybe every 1-2 months, and a group of both ex colleagues and former schoolfriends that i probably see 2-4 times a year, that's it.

I don't really keep in touch with many people on social media anymore. I'm friendly to my boyfriend's friends, I tried to become closer friends with one but she didn't seem interested sadly.

I'm quite content with this setup, I work alone too and it's very peaceful. However I need to stop feeling like this isn't considered attractive and be confident with who I am.

It seems that extroverted girls and women are considered as very attractive, I know this isn't true for everyone but it largely seems to be favoured. In the past I've been dumped a couple of times for those types of women, they had tons of friends, knew people in lots of different countries, very outgoing, could make friends with somebody in 2 days, very big personality etc.
And I'm not really like that.
I'm not rude or unkind, just keep myself to myself, and people don't exactly go out of their way to spend time with me.

The last guy before my boyfriend went travelling and met another girl at a hostel, she appeared a very outgoing type and apparently she was super friendly and introduced him to a lot of new things. He got with her instead.
I know I shouldn't have to change who I am. Why do I get this stupid feeling that my boyfriend would choose someone like this over me were he to meet her? I know he's with me of course and loves me for me. Just wish I could shake this insecurity as I know it's really stupid.

OP posts:

Iom92 · 07/04/2021 12:00

My dh is an introvert and I love him for it. It sounds as though your current boyfriend is someone who will appreciate you for you so try not to worry.

Original poster

Painauchocolat189 · 07/04/2021 12:01

That is great to hear.
Thanks, you are right, I need to relax, I'm just used to men being with me then someone more 'exciting' catching their eye and they end up getting with her or cheating.

OP posts:

Ivy455 · 07/04/2021 12:07

Me and my husband are both recluses and hardly ever socialise. Even at home we nearly always sit on separate rooms and do our pwn thing and we're very happy. Just try and own who you are. Think of yourself as strong because you don't constantly need attention and validation from others.

Original poster

Painauchocolat189 · 07/04/2021 12:09

That's great it sounds like you are really happy.
Indeed I need to own it.
I like spending time alone and do need a lot of time to recharge.
That's a good way of seeing it, I'll try to tell myself that I am strong

OP posts:

senoritachiquita · 07/04/2021 12:14

I am like you and spent a long time looking up to ‘loud’ people as I was just in awe of their confidence. However I have realised that many people also admire introverts due to perceived strength and calm. There is a book called ‘Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking’ by Susan Cain which you might want to read to help give you some confidence in your own personality type and its strengths.

MalibuandOrange · 07/04/2021 12:17

Just be who you are, the world will adjust. Me and my DH are introverts we have a very happy marriage just being us and staying in and doing things that make us happy.
It's to stressful having to socialise all the time.

Original poster

Painauchocolat189 · 07/04/2021 12:17

Thank you I will definitely have a look at the book.
I need to stop seeing introversion as weakness because it really isn't. It's got a lot of strengths just as extroversion has

OP posts:

WeWereOnABreak10 · 07/04/2021 12:24

@Iom92

My dh is an introvert and I love him for it. It sounds as though your current boyfriend is someone who will appreciate you for you so try not to worry.

Mines too. I'm an extrovert. Mostly everything you described in your OP @Painauchocolat189 but I love him for who he is and opposites attract right.

Im sorry about your experiences but please never feel like you aren't good enough because you are.

senoritachiquita · 07/04/2021 12:31

It is important to accept ourselves. However I think it’s been also healthy for me as an introvert to get out of my comfort zone, eg through work, things like leading initiatives at work, public speaking etc. That has definitely built my confidence as they are not naturally things I want to do but I have seen that I can do them if I want to. So I think maybe there are also some things you could do to build your own self esteem and confidence, while also seeking to accept yourself. Doesn’t have to be work related, could just be trying some new things you have always wanted to do but been a bit scared to. I don’t mean to say that you should do things you would clearly hate, but just make sure you take opportunities that will help you grow as a person and not get stuck in a rut if you see what I mean...

Everyday21 · 07/04/2021 12:59

Op I think I felt the same as you when I was a teen. I'm definitely an introvert and my husband is an extrovert, but most of the time he cant stand extroverted and loud women. He finds some of our friends so full on and annoying. My dh has great admiration for how much I appreciate my alone time and enjoy doing things by myself, it's actually given him confidence to do things alone to.

whatisforteamum · 07/04/2021 13:33

I am mainly an introvert and have loved lockdown. I'm mid 50S and spent yrs being told by my parents to socialise.
I too have 2 dc and a dh and one or two friends I call.
I work in an extroverted busy noisy workplace and I can be as loud as the next man a case of having to be and I get pestered to socialise I don't like it so I never go to works do,s.
Anyone who thinks that is strange I think they are for constantly needing company.
I think of myself as a strong woman and don't go to events just to please others anymore.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/04/2021 13:38

@Painauchocolat189

Thank you I will definitely have a look at the book. I need to stop seeing introversion as weakness because it really isn't. It's got a lot of strengths just as extroversion has

Yes. We are not the irritating loud, overly emotional twats who insist on shrieking everyone's name, hugging, and high fiving when meeting for the first time in, oh, 5 minutes.

Imagine how extroverts will be next week? Leaping around all happy and shouty... blech!

I'm staying in. Being sensible and superior for a change!

(and if you need telling that this is lighthearted, SOD OFF and take your daft complaint with you!)

altiara · 07/04/2021 14:26

Your boyfriend (along with a lot of people) might hate people with ‘big personalities’.

The introducing someone to new things is not specific to extroverts. Introverts also do new or exciting things but are likely not to brag about it.

I think you should be confident in who you are but if you want to, do what a previous poster suggested where you push yourself out of your comfort zone every now and again so you know there are more things you can do, if you choose to.
To be honest, quieter confident people can be intimidating in a different way as they’re not desperate to talk to you!

OwlBeThere · 07/04/2021 14:32

I’m an introvert and it took me a long time to figure out that who I am isn’t a problem that needs fixing. I like my own company, I don’t get bored and I resent it when people try and tell me I ‘must’ get out and do xyz, or I can join a club to meet people/ a partner. I don’t want to. I’m quite happy as I am thanks.
No one ever tells the loud, confident types they must shut up and leave us alone. I wish they would though!

OwlBeThere · 07/04/2021 14:34

I think there is also a misconception that all introverts are shy and news pushing out of their comfort zone. That’s not me. I’m confident enough. I give presentations to hundreds of people. I just prefer to be left alone in my down time.

lljkk · 07/04/2021 14:38

I need to stop feeling like this isn't considered attractive

That's a belief, not a feeling. Or rather, OP means feelings that arise from the belief. But what OP describes is beliefs, anyway. Deep down you still have a prejudice that being introverted* is something bad, OP. That's a dangerous thing to admit to on MN.

I'm not sure what the recipe is to changing beliefs. I'm only sure that it gets easier the more you do it.

*mind, MN defines being introverted in such weird ways that I might agree with you. Does it help to have labels? Maybe you're you and that's fine. No need to have labels. You're not making peace with being "introverted"; you're making peace with being You.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/04/2021 14:40

@OwlBeThere

Yep! And when somewhere I don't kow I am the one in a group MOST likely to stop a stranger and ask for help.

It doesn't bother me, it has to be done, I am an introvert, not shy!

The worst behaviour that has been levelled at me is I am superior, think I'm better than others. But when you stop and have a look before flinging yourself into social situations and actrively avoid andy an all 'bnding' sessins, thatis nly to be expected.

People who matter know better; those who don't matter....

echt · 07/04/2021 14:40

Why have a vote on this?

What is unreasonable about wanting a thing that is what you are?

thelegohooverer · 07/04/2021 14:47

The secret to a great long lasting relationship is to find a person who is attracted to you, and to do that you have to be yourself.

I spent half my teens and most of my twenties trying to be more like girls and women I perceived as attractive, and trying to attract men that I thought other people would perceive as attractive.

I think there’s still a widespread perception that there are “normal” people and there’s a powerful social imperative to blend in. We keep changing our othering language but the problem keeps catching up. In recent years being extrovert has had more social capital and there’s a tendency to see that as normal, and introversion as wrong/weird/shameful.

But life is more like an orchestra. There’s room for us all, and no logical reason that the tuba should try and sound more like a violin.

Be confident about who you are. Be curious about how your brain works do you can find the things you excel at and (hopefully) sidestep the things you struggle with. If you treat yourself as a person of high worth, it will make it easier for someone who values your qualities to see you.

EffOffCovid · 07/04/2021 16:31

Fellow introvert right here now I'm nearly 40 I'm much more at peace with it. You're not alone! Honestly very happy to be introverted. I like people, don't get me wrong but I'm just not that extroverted type. I don't drink anymore and I'm happy with that too. Also covid has helped me to come out my shell a bit but I still prefer to listen rather than talk.

EffOffCovid · 07/04/2021 16:33

Also...good for you OP for feeling confident about it.

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