Mother's abuse of power

[Sarahtrue11]

#Notallmothers

But I think that one of the biggest abuses of power in the world today, is mother's abuse of their adult children.

I know so many mothers who think that they are more important than their children, that because they created the child, that they should have total power over them.
I know so many mothers who really emotionally abuse their adult children, and see them as an object that they own. They seem completely unable of seeing their adult children as human beings who are entitled to have their own lives. Where does this come from?
Do women need more education on the fact , that even if a human being comes out of your body, it does not mean that you own that human being?

I will give you a few examples of people that I know.

I know three adult men, with single mothers. Two have mothers that are divorced, one has a mother that is widowed. All three mothers expect their adult son to be at their beck and call. The mothers see themselves as more important than the sons, they constantly want the sons to provide them with emotional support and they treat their sons like substitute husbands.
One man said to me that he is expected to phone his mother for two hours every day, and if he doesn't, she goes apeshit. He has tried to say that he is busy, but she won't listen. She puts her needs before his.

One of the other men has told me that he has tried to stand up to his mother a few times, but she just shouts at him, and says to him "I made you". I have witnessed this woman screaming at her adult son on numerous occasions.

The third man told me that his mother will ring him with all her emotional problems, and never ask him how he is. He also said that whatever he does, she tells him that he is doing it wrong.

My own mother (70s) has two children, she thinks that she is more important than me and my brother, and she will always put her wishes and wants before me and my brother. I moved to another country so she doesnt abuse me, but she abuses my brother all the time. My brother is 40 - and she rings him all the time to tell him what to do, and that what he is doing is wrong. She barks orders at him. I said to her, on our last phonecall that he is 40, and she shouldn't be telling him what to do, he is an adult, and to let him have his own life. And she said "no you have to tell John what to do". I know she enjoys the power over him. My brother is a weakened person because of her behaviour, because my mother has been so controlling and aggressive over him, since he was very young. He has tried to limit contact with her, but she is very effective in making him think that he is crazy, and that it is his fault that he is so bad.

I also have a female friend, late thirties. Her parents own a farm. She is a teacher and lives in a different town. Every day her mother rings her and asks (tells) her to come out and see her. If she says she is busy, her mother cries and wails and guilt trips her. Her mother never thinks that her daughter is a busy teacher with her own life, she just thinks about herself, always. Her mother then also guilts her into helping out in loads of areas of the farm. My friend said when she was close to a nervous breakdown with teaching in her own job all day, and doing the farm accounts all night for free for her mother, that she eventually was able to stand up to her mother about the accounts. Her mother has also said to her daughter that she would like it if she never gets married, so that her duaghter can make her mother her number one priority her whole life! True story.

Then look here on Mumsnet, there are so many stories about mothers being abusive to their daughters.

I think it is important to talk about this. Why do many women try to exert power and control over their children? What can be done to improve this? Again #notallmothers, but I see a lot of it happening.

Bloody women. We are a hateful sex, aren’t we?

I think alot of it is due to loneliness

How weird. I don't have any friends who have that kind of relationship with their mother. When my MIL had a heart attack, she actually waited an hour and a half to call me, as she knew I was at work, and wanted to wait until I'd finished so she wouldn't disturb me .

Lots of mums to adult children round here help their children out loads with the grandchildren, rather than the other way round.

I’m not sure is one of the worlds biggest problems at the moment but it definitely is a problem.

Like you I have a very toxic mother, I also moved as far away as I could to avoid her but she’s like a fucking great black hole and finds a way of sucking you in.

She has been the source of so much trouble and caused so much emotional damage, but nothing is ever her fault. Unfortunately she was enabled by my DF, he believed his job was to always support his wife no matter what, after he died one of my DBs felt it was his responsibility to take over DFs role. She has him so messed up he can’t actually see that he is acting in the completely opposite way our DF did. Our DF supported his wife but my DB sides with our mother against everyone including his own wife. And my mother has far to much control over his DCs and my SIL has to take it because it’s his mum and it’s just her way....

My other DB like me dosnt take her shit any more, I’m completely NC. My DB has gone NC in the past so she won’t rock that boat any more as she needs him financially since DF died. But in the past she has told him he ruined her life and she wished he’d never been born in front of all his staff at an event he was hosting for his staff and some key clients. She went round criticising him to both his staff and clients. She called his children, her grandchildren slags, nasty, lazy spoiled brats who were only good to lie on their backs and spread there legs. This wasn’t the first time in any of our lives she’s behaved like this in public with us. But she has this great ability to always do it it when our DF was out of earshot. He tends to arrive just as people have been pushed to their limit and all he sees is his wife being attacked so jumps to automatic defence. She clams up playing the abused victim or made some innocent comment that’s been completely taken out of context. And if my DF was ever told anything she said, which quite often he wouldn’t be because no one ever wanted to be the one to tell him, but if they did she only said it because she was upset and being attacked, there would be no point saying actually she’d been saying it all night and no one was attacking her. Which is why no one ever put him right, there didn’t seem to be any point. It was only when he was dying that he realised he shouldn’t have handled a lot of situations the way he did. He asked me if I knew what happened that night with my DB, I told him I didn’t want to know what happened and shut the conversation down. I really wanted to tell him not only about that night but about the way she’d treat me my entire life and how he shut his eyes to everything. I was also mad he focused on the event with my DB because it made my dB go NC but never asked why I not only went NC with my mother but him also for 7 years.

I also know other people in similar situations. One day I was approached by my bosses boss, she asked if I was ok as I was being really quiet, I ended up telling her about an incident with my mother. She told me it sounded just like her mother and the best thing she ever did was go NC, he life was so much happier. Shortly after that I went NC for the first time.

I’m not sure where it stems from as in the situations I’ve come across there didn’t seem to be any stand out link with these mothers, they come from different walks of life and different circumstances. I think it’s a personality trait of some people. I also think fathers do it too, you see it a lot in controlling sports dads except when men do it, it’s identified as abuse far more clearly than when women do it.

I think there is a certain type of unhappy women who does this, probably the ones who did literally sacrifice themselves for her children.

I moved to Dublin in the early nineties and my friends' mothers were nearly all massive martyrs as they were the last generation to be subject to laws that banned them from working after marriage. So ambitious intelligent women were not allowed to be anything other than wives and mothers, and God help them if their husbands were abusive as they had no way of leaving and still being able to look after the children.

People, particularly men, are more likely to blame their mothers when shit goes wrong because women always get the blame for the poor decisions others make. I have a cousin who blamed her abused mum for every mistake she made - she doesn’t have the critical self-reflection to realise her mistakes were influenced by the dad who used to throw them both down flights of stairs because he throws money at her.

@UhtredRagnarson

But I think that one of the biggest abuses of power in the world today, is mother's abuse of their adult children.

Yes that is indeed the biggest abuse of power in the world today. Single women abusing adult men.

Yes. Quite.

Op, give your head a wobble.

#notallmothers

Your situation sounds awful but I do think it’s unusual that you know so many awful mothers. It’s certainly not my experience or a commonly known phenomenon.

Yes its draining. Moods if not her own way. I put in boundaries. Always got her own way by dad. Sulk if not brought away never got into that one! Interesting thread. My boss was bully nobody stood up to him

@UhtredRagnarson

But I think that one of the biggest abuses of power in the world today, is mother's abuse of their adult children.

Yes that is indeed the biggest abuse of power in the world today. Single women abusing adult men.

😂😂😂😂

I know no one like this. My adult ds is still at home. I don’t behave like that. My own dm was not like this, and in fact nearly everyone l know has a good relationship with their parents....

Mothers aren’t perfect, but the majority are good.

I know awful Mothers, just the same as I know awful Fathers. I dont think you can separate it by gender but I do think some people find it harder to accept that Mothers can be abusive compared to Fathers.

If you want to talk about abusive parents, or even just abusive mothers then go for it. But don’t for a second try and claim it’s one of the biggest abuses of power in the world today. It very much, so much, unbelievably much, isn’t.

I think you just know a lot of bad mothers OP. I don't know any like that at all.

I know awful Mothers, just the same as I know awful Fathers. I dont think you can separate it by gender but I do think some people find it harder to accept that Mothers can be abusive compared to Fathers.

^I think this is true.

@CloudFormations

Your situation sounds awful but I do think it’s unusual that you know so many awful mothers. It’s certainly not my experience or a commonly known phenomenon.

I have talked about four. These would be mothers of friends and colleagues. Four is not a lot ?

I do know of more, but these four situations are the ones that I hear about the most, as they are close friends.

Now I think about it, I can think of two worse stories from people that I knew in the past.

I had a short term boyfriend years ago, for a few months. I never met his mother. He told me that his mother used to call her daughter "devil's spawn", because she hated her.

A woman I used to work with told me about another mother who had three sons, and she refused to call one by his first name, she called him "cretin". I asked why, and the woman telling me said, "because she doesn't like him".

I do know good mothers too. I feel that I know more bad, than good though.

Thank god we've found a way to make everything the fault of older women, I was getting worried there for a moment.

I really don't think the situations you have come across, and in such frequency, is the norm particularly.

Yes, bad mothers of course exist, as do bad fathers. Being cruel to your children is appalling.

However, thankfully, I think good parents do outweigh bad parents and it is unfortunate that you have come across so many of the latter.

My DM thinks that being my mother means I should put her on some sort of pedestal- she’ll often say “who do you think you’re talking to?” to me if we’re arguing about something. I’m 35.

I joined just now because I could not agree more with the OP. This is not to say I'm criticising mothers (I am one myself) but I lived with an emotionally manipulative martyr like mother. She never physically abused me but her voice and guilt trips resonate till today. I guess I cannot actively blame her but her voice and the guilt therein robbed joy from my life. Most decisions I have made were made as a way to keep her happy (albeit that was never achieved). Unless I'm living life by her terms, she has 'failed' or I'm letting her down somewhere. She 'sacrificed' everything for her family so in turn we must be extensions of her because we owe her. Growing up with that mentality ruined me in the sense that I could never fully see myself as an adult. I jumped into my first marriage as a way to escape them(my father was an enabler) . I could have easily stayed in my job(I was younger then) but I feared independence on my own terms (I didn't even know what that was like) and felt the only out was to get married and hide behind my husband.
Again I cannot blame her for my mistakes (those are endless) but her voice and feelings are always more important and similarly I feel so bad for her. It's tough. I'm in therapy now as a way to learn how to 'mother' my own self and I'm 35. Shame. I think those of you who had good mothers are really lucky. I speak to my mom quite often. I sincerely do not think she realizes the deep the damage is nor does she want to know. But I've justified being 'close' as I worry about her and my father due to years of conditioning. I figure now it's due to her own unhappiness... She projects and I was too young to know any better.
Sorry for the ramble but I think I agree with the OP. It's an issue worth talking about. So many of us are stuck mothering our mothers from a young age and that really messes up one's emotional regulation and ability to see oneself as a person vs an extension.
My biggest shame is I'm 35 and learning to adult. I tried throughout my 20s to take accountability but unless you have struggled with this, it's hard to understand why it's so difficult.

@AngeloMysterioso

My DM thinks that being my mother means I should put her on some sort of pedestal- she’ll often say “who do you think you’re talking to?” to me if we’re arguing about something. I’m 35.

That's the situation I am in. If I express my emotions (which I try very hard not to these days) I am told 'I am your mother. How can you feel this? You have always hated me. Always'

I often find on here that posters who have had healthy relationships with their mums, and are good mums themselves, find it impossible to understand that for a lot of people have had very different experiences of mothers.

It shouldn’t be such a surprise, especially if you’ve spent any length of time on the Relationships board here.

@Mittens030869

I often find on here that posters who have had healthy relationships with their mums, and are good mums themselves, find it impossible to understand that for a lot of people have had very different experiences of mothers.

It shouldn’t be such a surprise, especially if you’ve spent any length of time on the Relationships board here.

That isn't what most posters have pushed back on or failed to acknowledge, it is this 'one of the biggest abuses of power in the world today, is mother's abuse of their adult children' that other posters have taken issue with.

I'm not saying that it doesn't happen, of course there are shitty parents, of both sexes. But that statement surely isn't true.

I think you have been very unlucky with the number of abusive parents you seem to have encountered.

You do hear a lot of bad stories on Mumsnet because having an issue is a reason to post something. People with happy parental relationships don't need to post about them on Mumsnet.

Also - in your example - one person's unreasonable parent is another person's happy duty. I have amazing parents who constantly put themselves last throughout my childhood to give me the best life they could. In their aging years, I am more than happy to return that and put their needs ahead of mine when necessary. Nothing would be too much trouble for me if they need me, because that's the way they were for me, and still are if I need them.

That was also how they were with their own parents, and I see the same in my cousins' families too. Most of my friends are also devoted to their parents and families and are happy to take care of them in their old age.

I hadn't realised how bad it is for some people until I started reading these stories on Mumsnet and some people have horrible experiences. But again, it can feel more common than in real life because all these bad experiences are posted about and lumped together.