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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask which area you would live in?

21 replies

Overthebow · 07/04/2021 08:46

We live in a lovely area. Great schools, things to do, opportunities and activities for kids. We have all our friends here who we have known for many years, some I have grown up with and we see most weeks. But we have no family here, I don't get on with mine so they aren't in the picture, and my in-laws moved a number of years ago to somewhere that is a few hours drive. It's a nice area but much more rural and probably not somewhere I would think to live if it wasn't for them.

We now have a baby and on one hand I'm happy she will grow up with all the amazing opportunities in our areas and with our friends children, but on the other I'm very sad she won't have family nearby to look after her and create a close bond with. I'm really torn on weather we should be thinking about moving to in-laws area in the next couple of years or not. I feel like we will have to choose between our life here and having a relationship with family. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

OP posts:

madrush · 07/04/2021 08:51

Are you sure your in-laws would want to be involved grandparents? As they were the ones who moved away I’d worry they don’t share your desire to be close family so I’d stay out and invest your energy in the network you already have around you.

madrush · 07/04/2021 08:51

Stay PUT not out, sorry

MatildaTheCat · 07/04/2021 08:54

Stay where you are and factor in plenty of visits and contact if you are close. My parents moved to a rural area some hours away and it has never occurred to me to follow them much as I love them. You are lucky enough to love your area, stay there!

User5747384 · 07/04/2021 08:55

Stay where you are.
I think if they moved away years ago then it's unlikely they will be that hands on and you will be stuck in a place you don't love without your friends who are important to you.

JM10 · 07/04/2021 08:56

Stay where you are. I'd take plenty of friends and other children to socialise over moving to be near one set of parents

Bettina500 · 07/04/2021 08:59

No I wouldn't chase family who had moved away. They could move to you if they wanted to be involved.
Family doesn't automatically equal support. Neither grandparents help or support us.
I would also give my right arm to live in a place where I have a network of friends, with good schools and things to do. Those things are hard to find.

RaiseTheBeastie · 07/04/2021 08:59

Definitely stay put.

If they've moved once, they may well move again. Then you either follow them around or are in the same situation.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 07/04/2021 09:00

Stay. Loving the area and having great friends with a lot of history between you is far more important than living near grandparents who may disappoint you. Just visit regularly and when baby is older maybe they can stay for weekends etc.

doctorboo · 07/04/2021 09:47

I’d chose to stay, you’ve got a lovely set up which is something lots of people dream of.
I know myself that family bonds don’t always work out how you think they might and you have to consider, could you move back to your current area easily if it all goes wrong?
I live a 20ish min drive from my seemingly wonderful in-laws everyone loves themand it’s highlighted that despite all the guff about how they wish they could see more of the children(!) the reality is that we’re very low on the list of priorities and it’s not improved in the last 9 years.

Constance11 · 07/04/2021 09:47

Stay where you are - not to be blunt but you don't know what's going to happen. A friend of mine moved to be near her in-laws and they were lovely hands-on grandparents for a couple of years but then her father-in-law died quite suddenly and her mother-in-law moved to be nearer to her sister so my friend was stuck in an area she never would have chosen.

emmathedilemma · 07/04/2021 09:49

Stay where you are!

SmellsLikeTeenBedroom · 07/04/2021 09:51

I agree, stay put. It takes years to get properly settled in a new area. And you might even find that your in-laws end up being the ones who move closer to you

Racoonworld · 07/04/2021 09:54

You're right I have no idea how hands on they would be. They love having us stay, which we have been doing often as they are our support bubble at the moment, but if we lived close by I imagine we would see them once every week or two and not more than that. I just get a bit sad sometimes when I see my friends parents all very involved in their lives and it all looks so lovely.

Whiterose23 · 07/04/2021 09:57

Stay put. We live a three hour drive from both sets of parents and they still have a wonderful bond with our children and have been heavily involved.
Pre covid we regularly stayed with them for weekends
Over the years they have had the children to stay for a week during the summer holidays, this has provided quality time with grandparents and is one of the highlights of my girls summer.
If grandparents want to be involved then they will be no matter the distance.

Literallynoidea · 07/04/2021 09:59

Stay where you are

Original poster

Overthebow · 07/04/2021 10:02

@Whiterose23 that's good to hear. Did you ever get jealous of other family members getting help from them more often or friends being able to see their families regularly or do you not find it an issue? I think this is what I'm struggling with.

OP posts:

BusyLizzie61 · 07/04/2021 10:14

Personally, I'd always want my lo to grow up with family around.
Two of my siblings have moved only 30 to 50 minutes away, but it has had a detrimental impact on their children's relationships with my parents as they're just not "present" as the grandchildren of mine and my other siblings who are all more local. The relationship out children have is just far closer and intimate I suppose, with less formality to it. You know little things. Even though my parents are incredibly laid back and welcoming.
In your scenario, I'd discuss with inlaws whether they it end staying there permanently before making any choices and then maybe look around their local area with more of an eye for what do the areas offer.

Whiterose23 · 07/04/2021 10:46

[quote Overthebow]@Whiterose23 that's good to hear. Did you ever get jealous of other family members getting help from them more often or friends being able to see their families regularly or do you not find it an issue? I think this is what I'm struggling with.[/quote]
Sometimes it was hard, for example my parents provided childcare for my niece and my MIL used to care for my nephew twice a week whereas mine were in nursery 3 days per week.
This stopped bothering me as I could see that my children weren’t suffering as they would spend prolonged quality time with both sets of grandparents when we were there.
When they started school and they would stay for a week in the summer my SIL said she was jealous as it seemed my children got more ‘fun’ time with grandparents as the week was/is entirely centred around what the girls want to do.

LadyEuphemia · 07/04/2021 10:57

We moved 100 miles away from our friends, and my family when I was pregnant because my in laws were retiring and wanted to help with the baby, and we were young and poor and the offer of childcare was so helpful. My family were much younger, and still working full time, so couldn’t help.

Once we were here, they pretty much ignored us and never offered help with childcare even once. It was too expensive to move home, so been stuck here ever since. Friends came to visit (and we went back to visit) in the early days but the invites to stay became fewer, and fewer, and I haven’t actually seen any of them now for about 10 years.

Unless you are super sure, stay where you are happy, I wish I had.

Alsohuman · 07/04/2021 11:03

As always it depends. What are the schools like where they live? Is it somewhere you’d like to live regardless of whether they were there? Would your quality of life improve? Take the grandparents out of the equation and, if the move still looks attractive, go for it.

RaiseTheBeastie · 07/04/2021 11:14

If grandparents want to be involved then they will be no matter the distance.

Also agree with this.

In his late teens, dh moved 200 miles away from his home town to mine, where we met, settled, had a family etc. About 10 years later, MIL also moved to my town 'to be near the grandkids' and now lives about ten minutes away.

We don't see her for more than one brief visit every month or two and if visits to her completely stopped I'm not sure the dc would even notice. She's quite vocal after we've been at hers for about half an hour that it's time for us to go now.

The dc only have a 'polite' distant-relative type relationship with her which is entirely her doing and not ours. But she takes 75 photos of the dc on these 30 minute occasional visits which she splashes all over Facebook for her friends to coo over how lucky she is to be so near the grandkids . Then radio silence from her for several weeks until we arrange to go see her again.

I don't know why she bothered moving to be honest, we saw more of her when she lived 200 miles away and we'd visit for a weekend twice a year.

Sorry that turned into a bit of a rant 😂 But I'd be wary of actually moving because of grandparent promises of involvement as the reality may be quite different and you've no way of knowing until it's too late.

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