Am I the only one?

[indianelephant]

I've been having conversations with parents I know including my own sister and her partner about keeping kids safe and how old they should be when let out alone. This came about because I work in a shop in a village and the amount of young children I see out and about without adult supervision surprises me. I grew up in London, it was never deemed safe enough for me to be out alone or with friends until around 16. The kids I see out are primary school aged. I just don't understand it. I know everybody parents differently but when you see interviews of parents who have lost children they always say 'you never think it will happen to you until it does' or something similar. There is always a possibility of something happening to your child and I know it's probably a very small possibility but is it ever worth the risk? I know I would never be able to live with myself if anything happened to one of my children. I feel it's my responsibility to keep them safe until they are old enough to make smart decisions and even then I will always worry. Especially with my girls as we all know how many dangers we face as women. My sisters partner said to me that they will hate me if I don't let them have any freedom.

Am I the only one? Or does letting them have freedom outweigh the potential risks of anything happening to them?

[WorraLiberty]

@Billandben444

The parents who think primary school children are mature enough to wander the streets - do you leave them at home without adult supervision as well?

My 10 and 11 year olds never 'wandered the streets'.

They walked to and from school, to and from their friend's houses, to and from the shops and played in the local park.

They had a set time to be home and they were and they knew if they weren't they'd be grounded.

[Onlinedilema]

Op you do realise children are more at risk from their own family don't you?
I walked to school (with friends) from around 7. I played out in the immediate area at around 8. I lived pretty rurally though, hardly any traffic, no need for pedestrian crossings, lots of open countryside that sort of thing.

[WorraLiberty]

[quote indianelephant]@WorraLiberty my eldest daughter is 10 but has learning difficulties so has a much younger mindset. My other 2 are 6 and 4. It was my sisters partner that i was talking to about it. My kids father agrees with me (we are separated)[/quote]
So eldest aside, your 4 and 6 year olds won't be allowed out on their own until they are 16?

I don't mean this unkindly but imo that is a form of neglect.

You're neglecting to slowly build up their independence and teach them the skills to cope outside alone.

I think they're probably too young for you and their dad to realise this at the moment, but hopefully you'll see it's pretty unworkable when their friends are learning these skills. They'll want (need) to learn them too.

[Onlinedilema]

We went to the shop alone too and I could work out my exact change, tell the time. Know exactly how many sweets I could buy with my money.

[Hidinginstaircupboard]

Meh, years 4-5 upwards - primary can walk themselves to and From school if local and safe routes - it all depends on child who walks with them (friends or others around walking at same time same route) or what you feel comfortable with

But let's be very clear the children in secondary school who live in walking distances whose parents walk with them, are teased as that's helicopter parenting !! (Different if they live a distance away needing a lift or unsafe area )

[Spudbyanyothername]

8 yr old plays outside with neighbours, on street/gardens.
12 year old cycles to meet friends to play football/go on a bike ride and go into a shop to get a drink/snack.

Resilience, adventure, experience and independence are not of no merit.

For me it’s always got to be a balance of risk.

[AlexaShutUp]

It depends on the area where you live and the maturity of your child. I started letting dd walk to school with friends when she was in year 5, but it was literally 5 mins max and no proper roads to cross. She was also allowed to go to the park by herself at around the same age, but it is next to our house and I could see her from our window.

In year 6, I started allowing her to go round town on her own with friends. Small, safe town for a couple of hours at a time, but I would still take her and pick her up.

Obviously, by the time she started secondary school, she was walking to school with her friends (around half an hour) and I allowed her more freedom going into and around town. A year or so later, at 12ish, she was allowed to go round our nearest city independently - but staying in the main shopping area, which she knew well. She is now 15 and can go where she likes, but I do ask her to keep in touch and let me know where she is.

First taste of freedom in the second year of high school is too late, I think. They need to build up their independence gradually, and your dc will miss out socially if you don't give them some freedom. Year 8 is too late for a mobile phone in my view too. End of year 6 is about right in my view.

[HedgeSparrows]

The older the better. There is no rush. A 16 year old can learn quickly and safety. I see no advantage in doing it earlier - there is still the same situations to face but at a younger age.

[Hidinginstaircupboard]

Years 4-5 = 9-10 year olds primary and years 7 + secondary = 11+ year olds

Are helicopter parents really keeping their children only with adult escort to go out snd id PP serious?( ???)that she wouldn't let her under 16 almost adult teenager go into a corner shop before that age??

I've seen it all now!!

[BikeRunSki]

I grew up in central London (SW1) and used to go to school by myself on the tube when in I was 8/9/10.

I now live in a village. DS (12) goes to school by himself, he can certainly go to the paper shop and around the village by himself.DD(9) is dying to be allowed to too, but she’s daft about crossing roads.

[MsTSwift]

How do your kids get to school then? Even the most coddled over protected children walk to school in our small city from year 7 so 11/12

[Hidinginstaircupboard]

Surely OP meant 6 not 16???

But it doesn't seem that she did 🤪🥺 I do hope OP doesn't have teens as they will be starting resent their mum

[MintLampShade]

16 seems extreme OTT!

Not London, but I regularly took the train (short hop) from age 14 to school with my friends. I was also allowed to go to the local shop from locally from about age 10 and walked and from school from about 8!! I was 16 when I went to my first unsupervised house party and 17 when I first went away for a weekend with friends. I appreciate this was some years ago and in a fairly quiet little town but come on, surely you just need to find a balance?! I mean I hope my son will have some independence before he turns 16...

[AlexaShutUp]

I would add that your approach sounds quite suffocating, OP.

I tend to be quite anxious as a parent, and I understand the desire to wrap them up in cotton wool, but you need to realise that that's for your benefit, not theirs. Children need to have some freedom and independence, and for that to increase gradually over time. Part of good parenting is learning to accept some risk and live with it in order to let your kids blossom and develop. It isn't easy as a parent at all, but ultimately, it's about them not you.

[indianelephant]

Just to clarify it was my parents who didn't allow me out until 16. That's not the age I am saying kids should be allowed out. I am thinking second year of high school for mine as I think that first year is a steep learning curve and my eldest daughter who is currently 10 has learning difficulties so has a much younger mindset. Not sure if that would be different for my younger 2 as it would depend on them with time as all kids are different.

I'm also not talking about just popping to the shop and back home again. The children I see that look very young are spending anything up to 4+ hours hanging around outside the shop coming in and out to buy sweets with no supervision. The shop is on a main road and they cross it back and forth and hang around on the corner. I have no issues with this as it's what their parents deem safe I just wondered if I was the only one who thought it was too young. We also have a lot of teenagers in and out which is perfectly normal and most of them are very polite and well behaved with queuing up to come in and wearing masks etc.

[AlexaShutUp]

Just to clarify it was my parents who didn't allow me out until 16. That's not the age I am saying kids should be allowed out. I am thinking second year of high school for mine as I think that first year is a steep learning curve and my eldest daughter who is currently 10 has learning difficulties so has a much younger mindset. Not sure if that would be different for my younger 2 as it would depend on them with time as all kids are different.

I had seen this, but I still think second year of high school would be too late for an NT child. Might be perfectly appropriate for your older dd, though.

[Nicknacky]

But 12/13 is still quite old to not be allowed to even go to a shop alone. The only reason I picked my my eldest from primary until she was just turned 12 was because it was too far for her to walk otherwise she would have been walking.

[chipsandgin]

I’ve given both my kids independence with boundaries from the age of 10. I teach them to be responsible, stay with friends be contactable (& I used a tracking app with both so I knew where they were but stopped tracking at 15 with my eldest which was way longer than most of my friends got away with!).

My 11 year old is very sensible, is not allowed out after dark, I know who he is with, where he is and what he is doing. My now 17 year old is now very trustworthy, open, sensible & fairly streetwise (I also pretty much still know where he is and who he is with & what he’s doing - because we have a good relationship & communicate well) - I know other kids, of a similar age, who have only recently gained this independence (because their parents have little choice once they become adults!) who are really going off the rails, they take more risks, drink more and lie more than the kids who have been trusted to be independent and have had more responsibility as a gradual process.

I’d be very careful of wrapping them in cotton wool OP, also restricting them and not trusting them to be responsible enough & making all their choices for them - it often doesn’t work out how you intend it to..

[firedog]

@Billandben444

The parents who think primary school children are mature enough to wander the streets - do you leave them at home without adult supervision as well?

Yes most Yr6 I know walk too and from school, go to local shops, go to the park, have phones etc
They are getting ready for the world of high school. We are in a city suburb
Yr5 are allowed to walk to and from school alone. All our local schools are the same.

[firedog]

And yes most will leave Yr6s at home for periods of time. I'd not give it a second thought if for an hour or so

[diamondpony80]

I don’t think you should try to decide this right now. You will know when the time comes what the right age is to let your kids have more freedom. They’ll probably be asking for it, and you’ll know whether or not they’re ready for it. Right now it’s hard to decide because they’re still quite young. Every kid is different though. My DS went out playing on his own with his friends from about 8 and walked to and from school from about 10. My DD with ASD will not be ready to go out on her own at that age because she doesn’t have the same sense when it comes to crossing roads, stranger danger etc. She’ll get her chance too when the time is right, but only when I’m sure she can keep herself safe.

[chipsandgin]

(obviously completely understandable with a child who has additional needs - but you may feel differently as your younger ones get older. Also 10/11 feels quite old compared to previous generations, my brother and I walked a mile or so to and from school together when we were 4 and 7 & by the time we were 7 & 10 would get the train together to move between parents for EOW visits, we were fine!).

[WorraLiberty]

@HedgeSparrows

The older the better. There is no rush. A 16 year old can learn quickly and safety. I see no advantage in doing it earlier - there is still the same situations to face but at a younger age.

Well that depends on the 16 year old doesn't it?

Thankfully most 16 year olds I know wouldn't stand for that sort of treatment.

What is the OP to do? Barricade them indoors because they're not allowed out without mummy or daddy?

[SusannahSophia]

Even my DS with autism was allowed to go home from primary school on his own age 10. I’d built this up slowly, taking him halfway home and crossing him over the road, then watching him cross the road, etc. Backward chaining is the method. He was allowed to walk to the shop at a similar age to buy some sweets. It’s all about developing independence. 12/13 is much too late for NT children, imo.

In a different century, I was walking to school and playing out at age 6 or 7. I know times have changed, but not always for the better. I was going 7 miles on the bus into the city centre to go shopping at age 11 with my friend.

[indianelephant]

Thank you all for your comments. You've really made me think and see things from different perspectives.

@diamondpony80 I agree. It might be because my 10 year old hasn't even shown the slightest bit of interest in wanting to do things alone that it feels strange to me and when the time is right for her I'll know and she'll know too. As for the other 2 things could well be completely different but I won't know that for a couple of years yet.