To wonder how people cope with difficult DC?

[Eekdunno]

It's so hard I can't leave them alone at all because they will fight (worse than typical sibling bickering)
DS1 (8) Is autistic and ADHD, recently diagnosed and fairly "high functioning" (not a fan of functioning labels but it gives a more true idea of him for the sake of this thread)
Can't even go to the shop because DS1 will cause complete chaos (running, shouting, spinning around, touching everything, generally being very hyper and silly, crashing into things and getting in people's way) and DS2 (4yo) sort of joins in/matches DS1s energy and it just becomes impossible, when DS2 is with me on his own he's so different and calm. But tbf DS1 is a lot.more.manageable on his own too.
That's how it is doing anything at all. I can't cook their dinner because I can't leave them long enough to cook it without a disaster happening to they end up having toasties or takeaway for dinner most nights. I can't have a shower even.
I'm a single parent their dad is fairly crap so not much help I feel like I'm in a constant state of shouty overwhelmed horrible mum and I clearly must be doing something wrong but what??
I don't ever see anyone elses kids acting like this I've tried everything I can think of, reward charts, positive reinforcement, punishments, taking things away, picking my battles etc but I never get anywhere.

It's really hard and it feels worse in some ways as they get older and the differences with their peers show more. And being a single parent makes it harder again. However it will get better. When you have an autistic 12 year old and a NT 8 year old it'll be way easier. 4 year olds are so little still.

All I can suggest is divide and conquer. Do what you need to. Maybe that means putting a TV in one of their bedrooms and sending them both to watch separately while you cook, or having one in the kitchen with you. Or they can take it in turns to "help" cook if you can bear it, or have one come and do homework/spellings/number bonds while you cook, just to separate them.

We have a very detailed routine that helps. An hour in the park after school might make them calmer at home too, but it takes a lot of your energy.

You are DEFINITELY NOT the only one. Some children are just far harder than others. I have a 3 and a 5 year old and they are both pretty easy on their own, but very challenging together. I very rarely take them both out on my own and only if I'm meeting another adult (at the park etc.). I often feel pretty pathetic that I can't manage my own kids without help, but it is what it is and if they both decide to run in opposite directions I can't physically keep them safe.

I think just like in every other area of life it's pointless comparing yourself to others. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors for a start, but also because all children are different, we all have different standards/expectations, we all have different amounts of support and we all have different strengths and vulnerabilities. Having kids with additional needs is BLOODY HARD, I know it's easy to say but please try not to give yourself such a hard time. You're doing your best. I'm sure you would never judge someone else so harshly.

Would a bit if screen time while you cook dinner work? Can you get your groceries delivered? Try to make life as easy as you can where possible and reserve your energy. In terms of different strategies I think it's usually better to stick to one or two really simple ones and be really consistent with them. Sometimes things can take a while to work. I would always recommend as much outdoor time as possible, limited screen time used only at key times (e.g. when cooking), and a very consistent, predictable routine. It sounds like your eldest is quite sensory seeking, are you getting any support with that? It may be that many of his behaviours are filling a need, in which case they will be difficult to reduce (even if you were SUPERMUM) without giving him a different way to meet the need.

That sounds so stressful OP. Agree with Feelin Happy. One helps you with dinner the other watches TV etc. One helps with the shopping by holding the trolley etc the other looks for the item you need . I also did divide & conquer routinely when teaching as there were always friendship pairs that were not necessarily a good combo in a classroom setting & they wound each other up.

You’re not the only one. I’m a
Lone parent (ex not involved) I have 4 children 10 9 7 and 3 oldest who is 10 has autism. I can’t take them anywhere. Oldest went through a phase where she would scream at strangers and try to attack them 😟 so no it’s not just you, certainly feels that way though so I can relate to that feeling

You need some strategies to cope with the issues you face.
Can't shower? Get up before them or take the youngest in the shower with you.
Cooking - batch cook whist they are in school or bed
Shopping - online

My eldest is ADHD and like a bloody magpie in shops so I avoid that too. My youngest is better but can be a bugger when told no and would empty the cupboards if left alone in the house.

I am feeling your pain today op. I have 8yr old ds with asd, 7 year old ds who I am more certain every day that he has adhd and a 3 year old. The middle one is just overwhelming me at the moment. Absolutely crazy, so impulsive, disruptive, dangerous, disrespectful, non stop energy, loud and soul destroying. Part of me thinks he's just boisterous but he is just too full on constantly. He will shout nonsense, not even words just babble, I can't cope!
You are definitely not alone op we are in this together, school holidays are difficult as there is no respite for us, but it won't last forever

My children sound fairly similar and I’m afraid I cope by letting them have far too much screen time and not encouraging them to play in the garden unless I have time or friends to go with them and keep them occupied.
Unfortunately my poor neighbours were still subjected to 10 year old dd telling 12 year old Ds to ‘fuck off you dickhead’ on Friday and him trying to whack her with a stick to get her off the slide . So I have no advice but lots and lots of sympathy!

The Barnardo's courses are really good - for parents of children with additional needs x