AIBU to feel pretty crap about my life and ask for advice from strangers on the internet?!

[Inneedoflifeadvice]

I'm in my early 30s and nothing in my life has gone/is going to plan!

If you'd asked me in my teens where I'd be now I would have imagined I'd be married with a mortgage, a reasonably good job (I did well at school) and kids. Instead I have struggled with psychiatric conditions (not psychosis related) including agoraphobia for years (despite lots of therapy) and had to move back to my parents house in my 20s.

Prior to that I had started a degree course (again was doing really well- mostly A grades) but was too ill to continue. Since moving back with my parents I have really cut myself off from normal life- lost contact with friends etc. and haven't even dated since my mid-twenties. My CV is also pretty empty and I can't drive so my life has just sort of come to a complete stop.

I don't want my life to continue as it is (I'm not suicidal, I just want things to change) but I feel very restricted and don't really know how to progress! I also realise I'm running out of time to meet someone, to start on a career track etc. but also haven't got a lot to offer anyone!

Has anyone ever come back from a similarly difficult life situation?

What emotional trauma / tragedy / pain have you suffered in your life?

Something has happened that has caused the agoraphobia to emerge. Have you got to the bottom of it in therapy?

Learning to drive seems the most obvious thing that could open up so many doors for you and make a ton of things easier. By any means necessary I'd do that first

Also stop being so harsh on yourself, as you've dealt with a lot and still are. Be proud of what you've handled and give yourself credit. Set some attainable small goals to start with and work out the baby steps to tackle to get to them

eg finding a good driving instructor, saving for lessons/car etc

Are you still struggling with agoraphobia? It sounds like you need to focus on getting some support with that.

If you are able to get out of the house, I'd say start volunteering, just a few hours per week will make the world of difference to you and will open doors for you.

When you're ready to look for work, you'll have a reference from the voluntary work.

Take baby steps, small things one at a time.

Your life could be completely different this time next year. See this as an exciting time, you're only young and have so much of life to experience.

I think if you had therapy they would tell you to drop the 'should'. Its a very destructive voice the should one. Comparison steals joy.

You sound like you have some goals. Make sure they are what will make you happy and not merely what society expects of you. Ive previously done a sort of goal mapping in counselling where you work out the smallest possible incremental step towards your goal. And work through those. Really baby steps.

Swallowing the elephant whole is going to be overwhelming and make it all feel
Impossible.

You sound ready to make a start.

Have you ever thought about mapping

Really upsets me that people in their early 30s think it’s a death sentence. This isn’t the 1800s op people live until 80 plus

You have time to get your life on track, don’t be or feel negative thoughts try and be positive about what you do have such as ....

Parents still alive, parents who care where you can rely on them to help you out. Many of us don’t have this option.

Try watching positive energy mantras etc on YouTube I do when I feel down they help a lot.

What I've learnt over the years, is that there is no magic wand

So, it will be you that needs to make some changes

Do you live near public transport or do you have a bicycle, or can you walk to the nearest town ?

Now is a great time to apply for jobs, now that lockdown is ending

Good luck

@hamstersarse, thank you- I'm not sure that I've suffered significant trauma- the agoraphobia stems from my other psychiatric issues and I did experience childhood depression and some health-related issues growing up. I have really had a lot of therapy over the years (since my late teens) and I'm not sure that it's made a huge difference.

@lubeybooby, thank you that's helpful to reframe the situation like that and yes, you're probably right although even learning to drive is very tricky due to my MH issues! I do need to start somewhere though.

@Gettingthereslowly2020, thank you- yes I definitely still need to overcome the agoraphobia and associated issues and it can seem overwhelming at times. I think you're right about taking baby steps- I'm not actually in a position to be able to walk into town yet so wouldn't be able to volunteer yet but it could be a future goal.

@anxietyanonymous, thank you- I will try some goal mapping- I'm looking at the big picture and feeling completely overwhelmed so I do need to do that.

@prawntoastie, thank you- I do sort of realise I might have 50 years left to live if I'm lucky but some things in life are age-dependent, particularly starting a family. I do think I'm very lucky to have a supportive family but I'd love to have my own family by now too. I'm also very aware that the grass isn't always greener and that I could just as easily have a different life that was just as difficult as (or more than) mine!

Thank you @Sh0e0n0therf00t2- unfortunately I'm not there yet (neither able to walk into town nor use public transport) but I'd love to get back into work in the near future if I can make some progress with my other issues.

This sounds very difficult, but the good thing is you want to change. If you're not able to get out, could you start gardening as a hobby, or grow some vegetables in the garden??
And luckily, these days, lots of life is online. Could you start an Open University degree, for example?
Charities are also looking for lots of volunteers to make phone calls to people, would that be something you would feel comfortable doing. There are lots of things you can do from home to get you started, particularly after the last year when lots of people have adapted to working from home, etc. Good luck OP!

Ah Op I’m sorry. It’s not too late! Start with something small, work on yourself for yourself not for the end goal of marriage or whatever. Start putting yourself first your needs first and hopefully things will improve for you.

Ineedoflifeadvise fellow agoraphobia here.
Yes things can improve.
I was struck down with it in my 20s and couldn't leave my house I also suffered from an eating disorder. After 18 months I pulled myself back with psychotherapy.
I was well for decades.
Sadly when I hit meno the symptoms reappeared and I stopped driving.
Something I am keen to restart. I think the trick is to focus on what you CAN do.
I've been baking and gardening and sharing photos of this.I haven't socialised in years and hardly go away.
Try healthy minds where you can self refer for CBT where you can have support to take graded steps.Personally I am considering taking meds.
Good luck you are not alone.

Yes, I have. Well it's a work in progress.

Work on building a support network first - I reached out to some old friends and that was really great. They have been very wonderful - I was very selective about who I reached out to though.

At the same time I ditched some old friends - particularly from Social Media.

I was homeless for several years as well, which did not help - I now have my own place which at first was utterly terrifying but now is the best thing ever.

I've been in psychotherapy for several years as well, and I have a really great GP. I do other things like a walking group, and, I started to knit as well.

I'd like to play a team sport again but unfortunately don't think I am quite there yet.

It does sound like the therapy you have had so far has been very surface level.

By the sounds of it, getting to the root of your psychiatric disorder / agoraphobia is your ticket to a better life.

You have plenty of time, there is no rush, just small steps but all pointing in the right direction.

The best therapy for this sort of thing, IMO, takes a psychoanalytic viewpoint, ideally Jung (it's the therapy that all psychiatrists go for!). It might not be a significant trauma, it could be an unmourned loss, but there is something there that is 'forcing' you to hide yourself from the world in your self-designated safe space - and this diversion is also not permitting your to experience your true emotions. It is a mask and a 'safe' way to experience your emotions.

Emptiness is a classic symptom of agoraphobia, not just at the surface level (e.g. empty of social life) , but at the inner level of your self - so not allowing emotions to be part of your life (empty inner life).

The general vibe becomes "Don't do anything at all for risk of being overwhelmed with emotions"

The problem is that this lines you up for a life of anxiety and eventual isolation, as you attempt to avoid any of your genuine emotional feelings.

IMO, you find your life when you allow yourself to find your self.

Yes, been there. I know how difficult it is. I barely had a life throughout my 20s due to panic disorder, agoraphobia and some physical health issues that complicated things. My turnaround age was early 30s actually, and now I live an enjoyable life. It can and does happen. For me, it was getting the right medication that made all the difference. Don’t give up hope of getting better and of finding contentment!

I suffered from agoraphobia about 20 years ago now. Didn’t leave my house for months but reached a point where I’d had enough. I didn’t have any therapy. I just made myself a step by step plan. Starting with just standing outside the front door! Gradually went on longer and longer walks. Then would make myself go in a shop and buy one thing (Say a pint of milk), building up from there and so on. I’d say it took me a good year to build up to where I could go out for meals or a trip somewhere but it worked. I can still get a tad panicky if I feel “trapped” somewhere but not enough to stop me doing things.

Slow and steady is the way to go. And if you have a bad day, try to shrug it off and not see it as failing. Remember it’s just one day and we all have setbacks. Hold onto the positives and you can make changes.