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Still expecting basic manners or am I old school?

36 replies

Doingitmyway · 06/04/2021 09:55

Friends birthday gift was dropped off a couple of weeks early along with her child’s whose birthday it was at the time. Due to covid I thought I’d drop it at the same time in case of isolating/further restrictions etc and to save unnecessary journey.

Admittedly I didn’t drop it off (husband did) so I know it was received by her husband/child as friend wasn’t in.

Two things I’m miffed about but don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. One the child (who turned 16) didn’t send a text to say thank you, neither did my friend on their behalf. I had to text about a week later asking if her child liked the gift before I got a response. AIBU to have expected a simple thank you?

Roll forward 2 weeks to my friends birthday, I send a text wishing her happy birthday on the day to which she replies “thanks!” Thought nothing much of that and thought she’ll be opening her cards and gifts later so maybe hasn’t opened my gift yet. Heard nothing more from her. Then today on Facebook (day after her birthday) I see she’s thanking various people for their gifts and posting photos of what she’s had and nothing about me or my gift. I’m really disappointed/annoyed by this, I’m not fussed about not being included in the FB message but a simple text to say thank you for her card/gift. AIBU? She can do it for others but not me. What do you guys think and what should I do? I don’t want to fall out over something like this but if someone gives my child £1 I say thank you or they do.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


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toffeebutterpopcorn · 06/04/2021 12:21

And - and - they never remember DSs birthday. Or mine for that matter (but the ship sailed on that many years ago).

My family are weird. DHs family go crazy on birthdays, new year (even Christmas - and they aren’t even Christian).

LilacSloth · 06/04/2021 12:30

YANBU. It's basic manners. If someone goes to the trouble of getting you a gift, you go to the trouble of thanking them. It takes about 3 seconds to send a text.

ipushmyfingersintomyeyes · 06/04/2021 12:31

I'm on the fence. You messaged her happy birthday and she said thanks, does it need to be a gushing separate thanks for the present, is it not just a blanket thanks for the acknowledgement. Does she assume her husband thanked your husband when it was dropped off? Do you need all these separate individual thanks? I really can't get worked up about thank you cards, messages etc. It's different when sent through the post and you don't get a response so you don't know if its arrived. But if your husband dropped it off and there was a brief oh thanks exchange, does it need individual follow ups from friend and child? I might receive a present a week before my birthday and would say thanks there and then as it is received but wouldn't follow it up once opened with another thanks, is it necessary? I'm still grateful!

EggysMom · 06/04/2021 12:41

I think I'd send her a private message in a jokey tone, to say something like "Did you get my gift? I left it with your DH, so I just want to check that he remembered to pass it on!"

IJustWantSomeBees · 06/04/2021 12:55


I give a gift because I hope it will make the person feel happy and cared for. I don't do it to receive a thank you.

If someone has time to say thank you then great, but quite frankly people are busy and are usually juggling a lot. I know they'll have been happy opening a gift I gave them. I have no desire to add to their to do list.

I certainly wouldn't be getting cross waiting for a thank you from them.

Everyone has time to send a quick thank you text. If they have time to open and use the gift, they have time to thank you for it.

I also don't give gifts 'to receive a thank you', but at the same time I only give gifts to people who care about me and value my friendship, and those people will naturally want to thank their friends. Funnily enough I have never not received a thank you.
melj1213 · 06/04/2021 13:05

I'm on the fence since its all being done via 3rd parties and such things are easily forgotten - I couldn't tell you what I was doing two days ago, never mind two weeks.

It could be a simple case of your friend putting the present away somewhere safe until her birthday and now it's been forgotten so she hasn't actually opened it yet; or that she opened it when it was dropped off but didn't want you to know it was opened so early so planned to wait till her birthday to send thanks but has forgotten; or it was put away, but in the interim the tag/card have been separated from the gift so they can't be certain who the gift is from etcetc

All of these issues could be rectified with a quick message - "Hope you're enjoying your birthday, sorry I couldn't see you on the day to celebrate in person but at least you got your gift, hope you liked it! Xxx" this then gives your friend a prompt that you sent a gift and it hasn't been acknowledged yet. Depending on the response you can then either continue or scale back your gifting as appropriate.

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 06/04/2021 13:27

I think she was rude , also childish putting pics of her gifts on FB . I’m not into giving gifts anymore, if people want a candle etc they can buy the exact one they want . Same as at Christmas buying for nieces nephews etc , the parents or Santa can get what they really want . No point me buying Buckaroo when they really wanted kerplunk. I send cards if they are close family or special birthdays otherwise life is too short .

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/04/2021 13:35

YANBU at all - it's not as if you were expected something written in blood on vellum; just a text would have covered it, and no doubt the 16 year old's constantly their phone anyway

Old school or not, manners cost nothing

Doingitmyway · 06/04/2021 13:42

Yeah I see some of your points about it being put away by her DH but as I’ve previously said, we usually exchange gifts/cards, surely she would’ve said, that’s strange I didn’t get a card off xxxx and surely if her DH had “forgotten” that would’ve been a prompt. I don’t give gifts to everyone, it’s just people who are special to me. I’m not expecting a hand written note nor am I expecting multiple thank yous. But if someone can take the time to photograph each gift and then put a thank you attached alongside their name on social media that’s what I find strange.
I can’t be bothered now to send another messsge to her, I did that regarding her child. The majority of you think the same as me, that manners cost nothing so THANK YOU to you guys, it’s nice to hear other points of view.

It’s not worth falling out about but it isn’t just this one occasion that this has happened. Perhaps I’ll just leave off making contact until I’m over myself and I think I’ll try the same and not send or say thank you when it’s the other way round. It won’t sit right with me but sometimes that’s the only way people understand.

OP posts:
CallmeHendricks · 06/04/2021 13:43

"I give a gift because I hope it will make the person feel happy and cared for. I don't do it to receive a thank you."

I often see this line trotted out on MN but I don't think anyone gives a gift purely in order to receive a thank you. It's a poor defence of bad manners.
I mean, how hard is it, nowadays, to fire off a quick thank you text? Trust me, it was a right pain in the arse when I was a child, having to do a rough copy, get it checked by my fussy schoolteacher mum, find the posh notepaper, copy it all out, with a full address, immaculately in best handwriting with no mistakes allowed, locate a matching envelope, walk to the Post Office to buy a stamp and post them all...

toffeebutterpopcorn · 06/04/2021 14:35

Yes, of course you buy the gift because you want to/it’s the right thing to do and not for thanks (like holding the door open for someone) - but in the same way, a quick ‘thanks’ won’t kill you (and it’s horrible if you genuinely don’t know of the gift arrive and have to ask the recipient of they got it).

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