To be pissed off with DP

[FishWithoutABike]

My DP is pissing me right off. He works full time from home. I work away from home but reduced hours (30 hours term time only).
We have 2 children aged 10 and 6.
If I leave him alone with the kids, which almost never happens. He seems to get on fine but if we are both here I’m the default parent. Every meal, every bedtime, every event, every after school club, every time we leave the house it is me initiating, organising, corralling etc. No matter how many times I tell him he doesn’t get it. He agrees sometimes but then It’s like he just checks out if I’m there. He will say ‘why didn’t you tell me?’. If I do tell him I have to answer a million questions. For example if I ask him to make lunch he says what are they having? If I say beans in toast he’ll say which bread should I use? Should I do a full tin of beans? etc
I do most of the house work too.
Bringing it up causes more arguments and difficulties than I solves but I’m becoming more and more bitter. I can’t seem to just accept it. There are things he does, like organises the car insurances for example but not the everyday nitty gritty. He is the same in our relationship, he’s never organised a date no matter how many times I’ve told him I want him to. It’s always up to me to suggest it, organise it etc.
Maybe I should just accept it. If I LTB I’ll just be a single parent and lonely too.

You shouldn't have to accept that. It's not acceptable.

As for being lonely, you're already in a team of one, aren't you?

My husband tried (still does occasionally) this.
Stock replies "you're a grown up, figure it out" " just decide, you're not helpless" "I don't care" and very sweetly "whatever you think is best dear " (usually through gritted teeth)
and to the children when they try to default to me "ask your dad, he's sitting right here"
As long as you let him, he will do it.

He’s good company most of the time.
He’s just a man child.

If I do this it causes arguments because I’m being uncommunicative. Or if I just don’t do something I’m trying to catch him out.

He gets away with being a manchild because you're allowing it. He squeeks or moans, you take over. Stop it.

Does humour work with him?

"what are the children having for lunch?" "caviar and lobster"

"what bread?" "you need to Google how to bake baguettes"

"should I use a full tin of beans" "darling it's four tins each"

And so on.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Does humour work with him?

"what are the children having for lunch?" "caviar and lobster"

"what bread?" "you need to Google how to bake baguettes"

"should I use a full tin of beans" "darling it's four tins each"

And so on.

Probably but it doesn’t stop the behaviour. His parents had very transitional roles where as mine were more modern. We just have really different expectations and it’s become completely ingrained.

Can you make a routine. We I do bedtime every other night and my OH does it every other night. It never varies unless someone is out or ill.

With dinner can’t you have a whoever cooks doesn’t wash up rule?

He needs to pull his weight and it needs to be routine. I know how you feel, it’s so annoying being the person picking all the little shitty chores up.

I don’t want to sound too defeatist but he wouldn’t look at the schedule. He might agree to it but then he will just wait to be reminded. We have a family calendar, he never checks it or is even aware of what’s on there. We have a holiday booked for next week and he hasn’t even booked the time off despite me reminding him several times.

Seems incredibly lazy, but also reliant. You're not his mother, you're his partner - a partnership ought to be equal.