Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just have one child

25 replies

veryoldmum · 10/11/2007 15:16

hi. (im new)

came into the marriage and baby business late in life. married at 40, and had a beautiful son at 41. my ds is now 5 (i feel so old, as im sure most of you are early 30s)

everything is wonderful. but i sometimes feel sad that ds will never have any brothers or sisters. im sure this has been discussed before, so apolgies for bringing it up again. i could of had another child if id really hurried, but time just went so quick. any mums in similar posistion?

OP posts:
paulaplumpbottom · 10/11/2007 15:20

You could adopt?

MaureenMLove · 10/11/2007 15:21

Hi there! This is discussed a lot! This thread has only just dropped off active convos. Have a read through it, it might help.

I've only got one child, but my reasons were medical, not choice. I sometimes wish we could have had more, but at other times, I thank god that I only have to go through everything once! DD is perfectly well adjusted and rarely wants for company. It is howver, a completely personal choice.

ArrogantCod · 10/11/2007 15:22

lots of threads on this int he past
opinions went bothe ways....

bookthief · 10/11/2007 15:24

Its been said before, but do you want another child or do you think your ds should have another child?

A child should be born for it's own sake, not as a playmate for an existing child. My dh would have loved to have been an only child - his (non) relationship with his brother has alienated him from most of his family. It doesn't always work out the way you'd think.

cazboldy · 10/11/2007 15:28

I have 5 children, but sometimes think ds1 would have liked to be an only child.....My sister only has one little boy. Sometimes I do envy her as one-to-one time is something very special in my house, but then she envies me not having to be their constant playmate! it's swings and roundabouts really!

Original poster
veryoldmum · 10/11/2007 15:29

bokkthief; yes, thats true of alot of families.

arrgantcod; thank you.

maureenmlove; hi, and thank you. will read the thread.

paulap; not sure we could. dh 50 and im 46

OP posts:
Original poster
veryoldmum · 10/11/2007 15:33

im sorry everyone, having looked at the thread maureenmlove suggested, i can see its very recent!

but thank you.

OP posts:
MaureenMLove · 10/11/2007 15:44

Tis fine! If you're new around these parts, you wouldn't have known. Some of us spend far too much time on here and know the title of every recent thread at the drop of a hat! It gets you like that!

seb1 · 10/11/2007 15:50

All you can do when you are a mum is your best or what you think is the best for your family. Also no mater what you choose you feel guilty.

SoMuchToBits · 10/11/2007 16:18

I wouldn't worry. I'm in a similar situation - had ds at 39, he is now nearly 7, I'm nearly 46. But he and I have a really great relationship, he is very happy, and has made some good friends. The only thing I worry about a little, is that he will regret his lack of siblings as an adult (he is quite happy without any at the moment). However, some people have close relationships with their siblings, and others don't get on at all, so you never know. I think there are pros and cons for each argument, and the main thing is that you and your child are happy.

Original poster
veryoldmum · 10/11/2007 16:28

somuchtobits;

thank you. yes thats my worry. its fine now, but as he grows up, not having siblings? but hes very happy and having a brother or sister is no guarantee for a happy life. ive seen many siblings grow up and have little or no contact with each other. im just so glad i have a child.

OP posts:
inthegutter · 10/11/2007 18:06

Whatever you do, you'll always wonder whether the opposite would have been a better choice! My DH has a brother and 2 sisters and isn't close to any of them. He hasn't fallen out with them, doesn't actively dislike them, but just really not bothered. There's no bond and he wouldnt be fussed if he never saw them. We have 3 children. DD1 and DS get on fantastically well at the moment. When they were younger, our two DDs got on brilliantly; now they don't. Kids go through phases and there are no guarantees.

claraenglish · 10/11/2007 19:00

Message withdrawn

QuintessentialShadow · 10/11/2007 19:11

My sister is 13 years older than me, my mum was 42 when they had me. We have a good relationship now as grown ups, but no relationships at all till I was around 21.

My husbands has a brother, they hardly ever talk, simply because they have nothing in common. My husbands aunt has two sons, they are late and mid twenties, they are not on speaking terms, they actually try to avoid eachother, they are so different they dont even like eachother much. Having siblings does not guarantee happyness and togetherness.

BUT, as a somebody who has elderly parents because they were reasonably old when they had me, it is great to have a sister who can share the emotional burden of supporting parents through illness (cancer, high bloodpressure, memory loss and stroke, to name but few) I am 35 now, my mum is in her 70s and my dad is 80.

Vulgar · 10/11/2007 19:28

Veryoldmum- I'm exactly the same age as you, have one DS aged 8 and your post could have be written by me.

I feel sad that DS is an only but he is fine having built up a network of friends. Time ran away with me and once I'd got my head round having another it was too late.

I'm envious of people with 2 dcs and sometimes feel like i'm not a proper parent . . .sort of like a part timer.

We have plans to move into a more rural area which will mean changing schools and DS not having friends down the road. I worry that i am being selfish. In an ideal world i'd have had 2 children close together and moved whilst they were very young.

But hindsight's a wonderful thing isn't it?

I was the youngest of 3 and my childhood was very lonely as the other 2 were a lot older than me and we lived in a very isolated spot.

Weird, now I'm hankering for what I hated as a teenager.

So after getting that all off my chest, I really don't have any advice except your family unit will be fine. You all love each other and love is the only thing that counts, right?

yogimum · 10/11/2007 19:43

I am in the same situation. I have one ds 15 months. I'm now 43. I do have moments where I think it would be good for him to have a sibling but its no guarantee they will be close. I have four brothers and sisters and I see them rarely. I'm only in contact with my sister. She is soon to have a baby so at least he will have a cousin close in age.

HonoriaGlossop · 10/11/2007 19:46

I really can't understand why you would think of yourself as a part time parent if you only have one. Blimey! Someone should tell my DS!!!!!! I think if anything it's the other way; siblings can entertain eachother, whereas often the parents of a singleton are on constant duty.

Never think of yourself as a part time parent. That's really, really not the case.

If it's true, why am I so bloody knackered

sparkybabe · 10/11/2007 19:50

Very old mum - I am the same age as you in RL (but yes, only 30 on mumsnet!) - of my 3 boys the 1st 2 don't get on at all, but the 2 youngest do. Then again the youngest and the oldest get on great too. So you can't always guarentee a 'relationship'. Yes it's lovely when they all play together, and I'm glad i'm not called on to be a playmate, but I'm sure it's lovely having just 1 as well.

Lots of help, aren't I?

Vulgar · 10/11/2007 19:57

HonoriaGlossop - yeah you're right but sometimes I feel that other mums don't see it that way!

HonoriaGlossop · 10/11/2007 20:04

I think that's your own perception vulgar, I really do; you think that's what they're thinking, but really, I don't think that's what people think about having one. After all, unless they've had a multiple birth, most parents HAVE been parents to a singleton for a time and I'm sure all remember how full on it is to be parent and playmate.

HonoriaGlossop · 10/11/2007 20:05

Just to ensure I'm not giving offence, I don't mean that parents of two or more are never playmates to their kids, just that the onus CAN be off them when the siblings play together.

BitTiredNow · 10/11/2007 20:18

I think there are 2 different themes here: as far as a sibling for a child goes, my Dh never sees his sister - not for any fall out, just that they have never had anything in common, and have stopped pretending. I, on the other hand as an only child, badly wish I had a brother or sister. You will never know which camp your child will fall in, so I don't think you can make a decision based on that. I have 3 children, and although I love them all dearly, and would never want a world where each of them aren't in it, it does of course have disadvantages - usually that I am refereeing fights constantly. I am not in the camp where my children entertain each other to give the parents some space. While I would NEVER comment on my friends who only have one child - respecting the fact that it is either their choice or circumstances prevent them having another, quite a few of my acquaintances with one child feel the need to constantly defend their situation, which usually is in the form of criticising me because we have 3 - which I can shrug off as I know that it is more about them than me. I am not sure this helps, but I woudl say, do what you feel is right and know that there are many advantages to being an only child as well.

Vulgar · 10/11/2007 21:09

HonoriaGlossop -you haven't offended me and I don't mean to offend parents with larger families either.

I guess I am just very concious of the fact i wish I had another child and i am envious of larger families.

I do count my blessings tho' and realise some are not lucky enough to have even one.

Original poster
veryoldmum · 11/11/2007 09:53

thank you all so much for your posts.

vulgar; i think your last paragraph sums it up.

im so thankful to have a child.

hope to chat with you all again. and once again, thanks

OP posts:
karabiner · 12/11/2007 20:34

I feel the same as veryoldmum and good to know others feel the same. I dont know anyone with another only child either so feel it hard at times,especially holidays and weekends.We cant have more and too old for adoption.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page