AIBU to want to plan holidays before ‘the week before’

[Maram5]

Hello all. I’m new here but need to vent! My DH works extremely hard. He is also quite laid back about other things - like holidays. Last week it came as a surprise to him that the Easter vacation is 2 weeks long (even though we have two kids who have been at school for several years - and despite the fact that I had recently emailed him the Easter holiday dates). He had planned to take one day off work, but when I explained that the holiday was in fact 2 weeks (!) he agreed to ‘think about’ taking a few days off in the second week. I would like to know so that I can plan things with him - or without him. He finds my approach hectoring and stressful. In his view, I should just chill - after all, what’s the worst that can happen? I suffer from anxiety and depression and I do get easily stressed. I manage this by planning things - and making sure I have at least something on each day to take the kids away from screens. I also rely a lot on friends and wider family and when my DH is not sharing the childcare, I try and plan (Covid restrictions permitting) to meet up with other parents. Right now (and this is a recurrent pattern), I feel caught between his view that there’s no need to fuss (and it’s true - I’m sure we’ll survive some unplanned days - they just might not be as fun as they could be) and my desire to know what is happening - especially whether or not I will be in sole charge of childcare. It may not seem much but I am tearing my hair out a bit. Any advice? Thanks all.

it is tricky when there are 2 different approaches and neither is right or wrong.

I think I'd try to sit him down a month(?) before and say, look you know I get anxious so it would be really helpful to me if we could agree which days you are going to take off over the break so i can plan other things around that.

For summer holidays I used to do a big chart on an A2 piece of paper where I wrote all the plans up, quieter days interspersed with bigger days. We had lists of 'days out' and 'indoor activities' for when we ran short of ideas. It stopped DH saying at the end of the summer that 'we haven't done anything'.

I can offer sympathy but little advice. I like to plan (I am quite literally a Planner for my job!). And I also have a husband who doesn't. School holidays always come as a surprise to him and I feel I do all the running. We have just about reached the point where he understands that when I email him the holiday dates, the idea is that he actually puts them in his diary and takes some action. And when we sit down and plan leave, he's happy to engage with that, but would never be the one to suggest it.

Our youngest child is now 15 so perhaps we'll have cracked it by the time she leaves the sixth form (and doesn't want to do anything with us anyway!)

I’d hate to be micro managed so am more like your DH. Holidays are for relaxing and being free to choose what to do.

Not to mention I’d be very if he couldn’t manage solo “childcare” aka being a parent on his own without the help of others.

Just to clarify, I didn't plan the whole summer in advance, but I had a list of ideas, some of which we put in a few days in advance depending on weather.
We might have 1 or 2 expensive days e.g. Longleat, or Bowling, then other things we had membership for and thus were free, mixed in with seeing friends, picnics, etc.

My exh was like this - to the point where he booked 2 weeks off work on a Thursday, leaving me not only the task of packing (see washing, drying, sorting) for 4 of us, shopping for and ACTUALLY BOOKING a holiday ready for when he left work on the Friday evening.

He's still no better - he knows when the kids are off all year round but only ever manages one measley week 'sometime in August' with them.

YANBU. Relax on some days, sure, but you need to be able to plan your time properly

I assume that you are a sahp, because otherwise holidays have to be planned with military precision.

I think that you need to sit down and plan the holidays as though you had a job and weren't the default carer.

So have an evening in the new term and go through the holidays and plan when he is off etc

Thanks all. Yes I think the month in advance idea is key. I’m sort of a sahp - I have got funding to do a PhD so I treat that as my job. So I am both always (potentially) free and never free if that makes any sense - a whole other topic. IcecreamandCandyfloss- I wouldn’t see wanting to know which days my husband has on holiday at least a week before as micromanaging. Interesting that you do. Also I am able to be alone with my kids (lockdown has made this inevitable) but a bit tired of it and find it more fun for both kids and I when I can plan for this to be otherwise.

I don't think either approach is wrong, but I think DH should be more sympathetic to your need to plan due to your anxiety, even if he doesn't understand it.

However, I'd suggest just making your plans without factoring DH in. Then if he is off, he can either join in with whatever you've planned, or, if that's not possible, you can change it to something else, or he can just join in with the DC in the morning/evening around your activity.

Thanks UserTwice 👍

If you're doing a phd then your dh needs to chip in with childcare. I'd sit down with him with the school calendar and he can mark down which days he's taking off work. He has children so he doesn't get to be carefree and last minute I'm afraid.

YANBU. I like to plan ahead. Luckily, so does my DH. I think I would struggle to deal with somebody who wouldn’t tell me in advance which days he wanted off for Easter. It’s nice to have something to look forward to and it’s usually necessary to plan in advance to make sure you get the days off that you want from work.

My husband's job is such that he could book a day off, but when it comes to it, he may well have to be called in to work. I'm used to this, so I just make the plans, and he fits in if he can. I've essentially had to live life as though I were on my own, and if he's around, it's a bonus.
Can you not just make your plans, let him know what they are, and he's then aware and can take whatever time off he needs or wants to?

You have my sympathy - which such limited activities running which all need pre booking you have to plan. There is no spur of the moment let's go do xyz anymore

Thank you everyone. This makes me feel better. I think (trying to) insist on planning a month or two in advance makes sense. Sometimes I wonder if our approaches are irredeemably mismatched- one not better than the other - just each approach driving the other bonkers. Sigh.

One thing to factor in is that now in a post covid world everything, even a trip to the local national trust or a casual restaurant has to be precooked.

Therefore the scope for spontaneity is going to be reduced for everything and everyone

If he refuses to plan in advance then he simply isn't going to be able to do anything

He is effectively refusing to take on any mental load.
You could either ignore him- plan things that don't include him and then stick to your plans even if he turns up- or work out what suits you and inform him what you are doing and what days he will need to take off.

If your work wants flexible, he'd have to do his share.