Fairness from mil

[Chocolateicelolly]

My dd is now 3 and a half, right from about 2 weeks old dd always seemed to have a cold on and off with breathing difficulties along with other symptoms, we worked out she was allergic to certain foods. ( not sure if this is relevant)
Mil always said whenever dd had this " allergy cold" that she couldn't risk catching the cold as she and her husband couldn't risk catching a cold, this went on with my dd for the whole 3 years! They would quite often have their other grandchild over night with a full on cold yet still couldn't risk it when it was my dd ! Fwiw this was all before covid since covid they've had another grandchild born ( their 3rd sons baby ) and the baby has had a temperature and not been herself for a few days, mil popped over to see us Friday, after the visit they were off to see other brother with the baby who's had a temperature! So pre covid they wouldn't risk it when it was my dd even when it was an alllergic reaction yet will go and be around the baby who's unwell without a worry! Aibu to think wtf ! Mil was always quite nasty about it she had a go at me once because I asked why she had ( 1st ) grandchild over night with a full blown cold but lets my dd down because of a cold, I remember once she was so desperate for me to see her new house she asked us to go but told me she doesn't want to hold dd incase she catches the cold !

Also I forget to add that pre covid before when it was my dd mil and fil were pretty healthy since covid fil has been in and out of hospital with strokes etc so thought now would be the time to be more careful but it seems they've singled my dd out

Some people are weird. You and you mil both sound weird.

Her, because of the cold thing and probable preferential treatment of grandchildren

You, because you seem you want to let a woman you don't trust and dislike have unsupervised access to your child who they also seem to not like / want to pick up.

Is it fair? No
Can you fix it? No

How do they get on with your husband? Do they treat him the same as his siblings? What about their spouses? Could it be that they dont like you/your DH is "the least favourite son" and they treat you DD unfairly because of that?

No I do not want her to have unsupervised access at all, she would come and visit dd with myself or her dad here I just think it's unfair to see the other 2 grandchildren without the worry yet my child is different, I don't think I'm weird for wondering what's the difference! I didn't say anything about her having dd.

Yes I would say they are the same with all 3 sons although mil phones and leans on my partner more so than the other sons I think.
Not sure about the wives relationship with mil as his family don't really bother with each other unless it suits

Sounds like it could be grandparent favouritism to me. Be careful with this. It’s surprisingly common I’ve found and probably stems from the relationship MIL had with her own DC.
We have it with my MIL who favours the other grandchildren (because they’re girls, she seemingly doesn’t like boys!). Pre Covid she would have the other grandchildren over to stay loads for weekends, buy them loads of presents etc, but was always reluctant to have my two DS. It’s quite hurtful and my eldest DS would even ask if they were actually his grandparents too.
It’s been so much better during Covid as no-one has been able to see each other much but I’m dreading it all starting up again now.

Okay because when you write things like

They would quite often have their other grandchild over night with a full on cold yet still couldn't risk it when it was my dd !

It implies you would have sent your DD if they'd have had her overnight.

It sounds like you don't see mil or cousins that often anyway so if your DD asks about the cousin sleepovers just say you and your husband didn't want her to stay with mil.

Ultimately I wouldn't get excited about someone I dont like staying away from me and my child. But in general I'm very "zero fucks given" and focused on my own family /work /whatever so would just put no effort or energy into anything to do w mil and fil.

What does your husband have to say about it?

Partner says it's all in the past and I should move on but mil was absolutely horrible about it all with me, I think at one point we fell out over it, mil pre covid comes every week I wish I could be no fucks given but partner holds its against me if I'm not pally pally with his family

I wouldn't bother trying to pursue the relationship. She doesn't like you and you don't like her. You aren't going to be able to push her into having a relationship with your dd. Stop monitoring her activities with the other grandchildren and focus on your dd and her connections with her other family members.

You've tried for three years and it hasn't worked.

@Chocolateicelolly

Partner says it's all in the past and I should move on but mil was absolutely horrible about it all with me, I think at one point we fell out over it, mil pre covid comes every week I wish I could be no fucks given but partner holds its against me if I'm not pally pally with his family

Partner's right. If this all happened pre-Covid you've been hanging on to a perceived slight for twelve months. Let it go. If you want your MIL to treat your child the same as the others, you're not going to achieve that by being unpleasant. You don't have to be pally, but for your child's sake and your husband's you can at least be civil and hospitable.

Are the other grandchildren boys? For some reason some grandparents are only interested in the boys..

@Chocolateicelolly

Partner says it's all in the past and I should move on but mil was absolutely horrible about it all with me, I think at one point we fell out over it, mil pre covid comes every week I wish I could be no fucks given but partner holds its against me if I'm not pally pally with his family

You don't have to be "pally pally" but if you want your MIL to want to see her granddaughter it isn't going to happen if you aren't at least civil

Start telling your MIL dd has the "cold" every week before she comes.
You won't have to see her and be pally and your DD won't realise the difference in treatment if she doesn't see her cousins much.
One set of my grandparents saw a lot more of one set of cousins then us but I was nearly an adult before I realised and because I was very close to the other side didn't really care.

It was only December she was questioning about seeing dd after she had a reaction to food said she was worried about risking it so only a few months back xx

December was peak covid time in the UK though? I think anything during Covid time you have to let go really as everyone reacts differently to it.

To be fair, no-one was going near anyone with a sniffle back in December, if they had any sense. And she had no way of knowing whether it was allergy or cold or covid. I certainly wouldn't have gone by anyone's say so that it was the former.

So why would she go near someone with a temperature which is a symptom of covid

You just said your not pally pally with his family. You wont let mil have her alone. And you had a fall out with mil. Hardly surprising inlaws are stepping lightly and making excuses

No she avoided dd with a cold long before the fall out long before covid

So you wouldn’t let he have unsupervised contact but the others do? Maybe she feels you don’t trust her.

@Chocolateicelolly

So why would she go near someone with a temperature which is a symptom of covid

Because she likes them more maybe

Whe my now ex mil blatantly favoured wbr other dgc I backed away and took my dc with me.

Hi OP, just wondering if you've had specialist medical advice about your DD's allergy symptoms. If her breathing is affected when she eats certain foods would she need an epipen prescribed? What does her GP think?
I'm sorry if this isn't relevant. My DC have multiple allergies so that part of your post resonated with me.

She has unsupervised With one of the grandchildren no I don't trust her she doesn't respect my wishes where dd safety is concerned ie the right car seat or dd being around there dog who is known to be snappy around children. She also in the past never understood dd allergies and would constantly say oh she could have this or that! So for dd safety no she doesn't have her alone,
Re the allergies yes dd is under the allergy doctors at the moment they are brilliant and have helped massively it's very controlled at the moment xx

@Chocolateicelolly It sounds like she’s punishing you for not trusting her.