Not a thread about a thread, not really.

[Cherrysoup]

Smoking, I get it, I used to smoke. I gave up about 10 years ago. Like many ex-smokers, I can’t stand the smell. My dm smokes. She wants me to visit soon as restrictions will be lifted. We live 5 hours apart. When I visit, she smokes, it’s her house, she can do what she likes. She gets up in the middle of the night and smokes in the kitchen, but never closes the door, so the smoke seeps upstairs and I get a lungful (my bedroom door doesn’t quite close) The whole house stinks.

My extended family already think I’m appalling, I didn’t immediately sell up and move back when my dad died 2 years ago, my dm is alone (bar her sister, her 3 nieces and nephews who are round all the time with their multiple dc, lockdown has been ignored by them all) I’m not going to move near her, never been close, couldn”t persuade my dh to move near her, swap jobs etc, don’t want to anyway. If I try to stay in a hotel, I’ll be crucified. What do I do? There is not room at my cousins’ houses due to multiple dc, my mum has spare bedrooms, I’d be seen as a real pita if I tried to stay elsewhere but I can’t stand the smoke.

Er...tell her?

I'd hate that too and I grew up in house of smokers. Can't stand the smell indoors now

Stop going, and cut off conversation with extended family when they start on you.
Hard to do, but just start .

@Tillygetsit tell her to stop smoking in her own house?

@Bonheurdupasse tu rigoles?! Just stop visiting my 80 odd year old widowed mother? I had a word with my aunt who told me she wouldn’t leave a dog ‘like that’. I was like, what, I should leave my job, home, husband, friends and move back, having left 30 years ago? She brushed it off as unimportant when I spoke to her, but she was quite vicious at the time. I won’t tolerate that conversation again, I’m not prepared to move, obviously.

Stay in a hotel - tell her you have a problem with your breathing that is badly affected by smoke and you have been told to avoid it by your doctor. Even sitting on furniture that has smoke embedded in it will trigger it.

Forget your families views on it all - your life, not theirs.

Something has to give, so tell her you have breathing difficulty / asthma and she needs to smoke outside when you visit.

If I try to stay in a hotel, I’ll be crucified

What does this mean in reality?

Some cross words? Being shunned? Actual assault?

[quote Cherrysoup]@Tillygetsit tell her to stop smoking in her own house?

@Bonheurdupasse tu rigoles?! Just stop visiting my 80 odd year old widowed mother? I had a word with my aunt who told me she wouldn’t leave a dog ‘like that’. I was like, what, I should leave my job, home, husband, friends and move back, having left 30 years ago? She brushed it off as unimportant when I spoke to her, but she was quite vicious at the time. I won’t tolerate that conversation again, I’m not prepared to move, obviously.[/quote]
Did you say any of that to your aunt or just think it?

What i do with my dad is bring up that my asthma has been bad, or tell him I think I might get another chest infection (I've had 4/5 a year for the past several years) so I don't have to visit his home.

He started visiting me and smoking outside for the most part.

Then say you're hoping to visit, maybe you should stay in the local hotel as you've been told by the Dr that you should avoid smoke, not that you can see the difference it would make, but you'll follow the advice anyway!

Why can't you stay in a hotel? Lay it on thick about how you want to see your dear old mum but couldn't possibly impose on her having to look after guests at her age, make it all about how considerate you are being.

Stay in a hotel and tell them you can’t stand cigarette smoke. I’d be the same and wouldn’t stay in the same house as a smoker.

I told my mum I would no longer be coming inside her house as when I left I had to wash all my clothes and my body and hair because if the stink of smoke. I’d had enough of planning my washings round visiting her so I never arrived after just washing my hair etc. Just not worth the hassle again.

She’s smoked for so long she didn’t notice it.

I was not in her house for a decade. We met outside or at mine. But she’s local so I didn’t have to plan overnight accommodation. If I had then I’d have have camped out in her garden or stayed at a local b&b.

She used to say thing like ‘but I’ll open a window’ or ‘but I’ll only smoke in the kitchen’ or ‘but I don’t ever smoke upstairs so it’s fine up there’.

She didn’t understand that smoke goes everywhere and cracking the hopper window two inches makes no difference. She honestly thought she was being totally reasonable.

Eventually she moved to vaping. I will now go in her house occasionally (bubbled) but do sometimes ask her to open the back door for a breath of air as I can’t breath very well as the air is a bit thick. She doesn’t see it but complies.

Don’t compromise your health.

Why can't you stay in a hotel?

@Elieza

I told my mum I would no longer be coming inside her house as when I left I had to wash all my clothes and my body and hair because if the stink of smoke. I’d had enough of planning my washings round visiting her so I never arrived after just washing my hair etc. Just not worth the hassle again.

She’s smoked for so long she didn’t notice it.

I was not in her house for a decade. We met outside or at mine. But she’s local so I didn’t have to plan overnight accommodation. If I had then I’d have have camped out in her garden or stayed at a local b&b.

She used to say thing like ‘but I’ll open a window’ or ‘but I’ll only smoke in the kitchen’ or ‘but I don’t ever smoke upstairs so it’s fine up there’.

She didn’t understand that smoke goes everywhere and cracking the hopper window two inches makes no difference. She honestly thought she was being totally reasonable.

Eventually she moved to vaping. I will now go in her house occasionally (bubbled) but do sometimes ask her to open the back door for a breath of air as I can’t breath very well as the air is a bit thick. She doesn’t see it but complies.

Don’t compromise your health.

It really does stick to things doesn't it! DD used to say to me, so you saw grandad today?! When she would get in the car when I'd collect her from school (pre lockdowns obv) and it was always the smell that gave it away

@sjfjsnfkdhsbd not assaulted, good god, no! I’d be looked down on by the family who have no problem taking round babies, toddlers, young children (not overnight). The rest of the family (bar my brother) all live within minutes of each other. I’m already the bad person for having dared to move away from the home town and not immediately running back when dad died.

There are 3 spare rooms, everyone would think it weird were I to stay in a hotel, although I think that’s a great idea, personally. Despite being 80 odd, mum is still more than capable of running round after others.

I know, I’m weak and pathetic, but if I don’t stay at ‘home’, I’ll be seen as the bad person, yet again. Firmly in the FOG 🥲

Tell her you don't like it so you'll stay somewhere else. Of course I didn't mean tell her not to smoke in her own house

I'd still stay in a hotel. Just say you don't want to put extra pressure on your mum and/or the smoke affects your chest. Be strong.

Could your mum come and stay with you instead? And smoke outside.?

@sjfjsnfkdhsbd

If I try to stay in a hotel, I’ll be crucified

What does this mean in reality?

Some cross words? Being shunned? Actual assault?

Cross words

When she has stayed with me, I make her smoke outside, no way can she smoke in my house. Since my dad died, she hasn’t come to stay-covid etc. I told her I’ll pick her up from the station, she literally needs to get on the train her end. She doesn’t want to leave her house right now, I kind of get it, but I can’t make her do it, she’s feeling vulnerable still.