Constant housework! Aibu?

[Jakeyblueblue]

Hi, in a nutshell, mum of three boys, 9,6,2. Husband self employed and works long hours, living in three bed semi. I work 30 hours across four days, lots of responsibility, with some nights and weekends on call from home. Am constantly cleaning and tidying! Feel like I never get on top of it and house is always a tip! Some nights I'm doing cleaning and tidying after everyone in bed but within an hour next morning, Its a mess again! I literally never have any down time! If I'm at home, I'm doing jobs!
Is this normal, AIBU? Am I setting my standards too high?
Husband and kids all messy. Eldest son asd and dyspraxia so is extremely clumsy and lacks any sort of self organising skills so often leaves a path of destruction wherever he goes, middle son is a little whirlwind and also leaves a path of destruction and the 2 year old is into everything, pulling stuff out of drawers etc! Husband is one of life's messy people. Mess doesn't bother him at all, he doesn't expect me to clean up after him, he could live like it, it's Just my standards are higher and it winds me up so I end up doing it!
Don't know what I'm asking for really, any tips? Words of encouragement or boot up the bum to get a grip and accept life with 3 boys in a smallish house is going to be messy!
Help!

Don’t book a cleaner until you’ve had a basic declutter and put a system in place so that the mess of daily life is regularly getting cleared away. Otherwise the cleaner won’t be able to clean.

I’ve been trying to get The Organised Mum Method going in our house (which is similar to yours, I live with all boys and they’re messy). It’s not completely stuck yet but we have a list of daily jobs (emptying bins, hoovering, running a load of laundry through, cleaning the loo and bathroom sink, making beds) that we now all join in with doing each day. That’s helped. Each evening around teatime we tidy up the sitting room and the kids take their toys up. And at bedtime we help them tidy everything away in their rooms before they settle down for the night. The mess never gets too much any more that way.

Thanks all,
Some great ideas.
I do have lots of crap. I'm a bit of a magpie, I like "stuff", cushions, throws, trinkets etc. Lots for kids to mess up. I prob need to address this!
I've thought about a cleaner, but guess was worried about it being to messy for them to clean! I'm the sort of person that would clean so the cleaner could come!
Unfortunately I think husband is a lost cause but I do think I need to get the boys doing something to help. You are right about not instilling good habits into them and I will be stuck with this for years to come otherwise.
Does anyone use a cleaning rota for themselves, so they do one room on a certain day of the week and leave the rest?

Years ago when I was talking about this to my MIL she said “just make sure they get proper food and clean clothes and the place isn’t dirty”. One of the things the family do need is a mum who isn’t exhausted.

I think you definitely need to declutter in that case.

But, can I ask what constitutes mess for you? It’s all well and good people saying lower your standards but what exactly ARE your standards?

For example, can you describe what a room
might look like after this? - ‘ Some nights I'm doing cleaning and tidying after everyone in bed but within an hour next morning, Its a mess again’

How would say your living room look an hour into the day for example?

Have you read Marie Kondo book for decluttering? If you have less stuff, it's easier to keep everything clean and tidy. It really helped us

Like others I would recommend having a massive declutter. There are groups on Facebook where you can give stuff away whilst the charity shops are closed. I have done this during lockdown and it's helped massively with the state of my house. Make it clear to dc if they make a mess,they must tidy it up. Storage boxes/baskets can be bought cheaply from wilko's/home bargains, and help cupboards/drawers stay a lot tidier. I am always saying to myself "don't put it don't, put it away!". Cleaning is a lot quicker and easier when there is no clutter lying about.

No excuse for your husband being messy.

Dh and I have an agreement that one does bed time and the other tidies. Could you come to an agreement like that? Have clear rules as to what has to be done each evening or he does bed time every night while you do it.
Also be out the house as much as possible!

I think your DH is a big part of the problem. Just because he doesn't mind mess doesn't mean he doesn't have to tidy. If he lived in a flatshare, would the other adults in the flat just accept that? Of course not. It would cause issues and he would be seen as a terrible housemate. He needs to change.

I don't think it's acceptable for your husband to just opt out because he doesn't see it. You are too tolerant of that.

Between the two of you, you have chosen a life that is going to be hard work. 3 dc in a relatively small space, the first with dyspraxia, where you're both needing to work basically full time to make ends meet. With the best will in the world, that is never going to be easy.

I love the idea above - if he doesn't 'see' mess, then he gets the chores he does see. Laundry, cooking, shopping.

You do need to carve out some time for yourself. It's vital. You can only do that if he steps up.

I think giving your children their bedrooms (with help) and your DH the jobs he does notice would be a brilliant way to manage it. I really don't think letting DH off the hook will help anything, the DC need to be seeing his example. Especially as he is the one with the messiness issues. Otherwise they will grow up expecting to be picked up after. In my house I had one parent who did almost no housework and one who did it all, and I grew up having never developed the skills to keep house myself. I still leave a path of destruction in my wake, and now so do my DC. I am trying to rectify that, but I know that starts with me as the messy parent. It doesn't help for them to go to school and come home and it's spotless, they need to learn the systems (as do I!)

Years ago I worked with someone who had 3 children under ten and a reasonably tidy house. Her secret was to turn everything into a game. Her kids loved numbers so she would play the hundred game e.g. they had to pick up and put away all their toys including pieces of Lego and see if there were a hundred items. Or it could be can they match twenty socks into ten pairs, could they make their beds together before ten minutes had passed on the clock. For every target met they got a star on a chart. Twenty stars meant a comic or 50p pocket money.
Over time tidying and helping became part of their daily routine. Once they were around 10/11 years old they realised that the sooner jobs were done together, everyone benefited from more spare time.

I have a vague ‘one room a day’ thing going on. Just by memory though and I don’t get to it every day. It’s been more of a WFH ten minute break thing.

The Organised Mum Method (TOMM) does one room per day if you want something structured.

If you do hire a cleaner chat to them about what you want doing. For me I just need the place clean, I asked them dump any stuff in the way on the beds and we will deal with that later. In reality we all have a panic tidy the day before the cleaner comes.

Mum of 3 too here. I have a cleaner and when the kids turned 7 they were expected to put their own clean clothes away. Every holiday I have a clear out of toys and tidy up. Eldest is now 12 abs I barely need to go in her room... it's not spotless but it's not terrible now. Hang in there!!