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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Toy boy and age gaps

51 replies

DeniseatEaster · 04/04/2021 11:53

I’m 39 years old and last year I split up from my long term boyfriend with things ending on a sour note.

I was in a really bad place filled with spite, anger and loneliness and it was just an awful period of my life. In anger at my ex I downloaded a dating app after drinking to find someone to have a rebound with.

I got chatting to this attractive 25 year old during lockdown in my angry state as I wouldn’t ever consider this had my head been in the right place.

We have been chatting for a two months now and it was fine during lockdown when meeting wasn’t a possibility but now it’s coming to an end I am thinking of asking him to dinner at mine.

AIBU?

There is no future in this relationship and I feel a little guilty with the age gap.

However I also feel after being mistreated in my last relationship it would do me a lot of good. Also he’s an adult and has been very open about the fact he’s happy to have a more sexual relationship as opposed to a ‘real’ relationship.

OP posts:
CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 04/04/2021 14:12

He seems to have been honest about his intentions. It's a lot smaller than some age gaps and almost passes the half plus seven rule as well.

Though if he turns out to be poor in or makes strange requests in the bedroom, run a mile.

Brainwave89 · 04/04/2021 14:16

My husband is ten years younger than I am, so your age gap does not seem much to me. If he was older than you I do not think anyone would find the age gap an issue? If you are both honest where you see the relationship going, I do not see a problem at all. Go for it.

Sarahsins01 · 04/04/2021 14:29

It seems part of you feels guilty for wanting a purely sexual relationship. Shaming us for liking sex is ingrained into society and in 2021 it’s ridiculous it still exists.

You have needs and you have someone who you like who can fulfil these needs. It just so happens that this someone is 25 and in good shape as opposed to a more ‘age-appropriate’ candidate with a beer belly.

As a poster on this thread said had the genders been reversed this wouldn’t be an issue for the ‘older’ man.

I would ask him round today, pour yourself a glass of wine, tell him to take his clothes off and simply enjoy yourself. You get to enjoy a sexy 25 year old while I bet your ex doesn’t, savour the win

thebabessavedme · 04/04/2021 14:47

I was 33, twice divorced with a small child, dh was 23 when we met, been together 25 years married for 20. Both my exhs were older than me, by several years, made no difference to levels of maturity.

Hate the term 'toyboy', he was all man then and turning into a right old fart now as he tells me I have run him ragged Grin, I on the other hand am an absolute babe, he keeps me young Grin

seriously, it just depends on a persons character as to when they want to make a commitment, age has little to do with it.

PeggyArmstrong · 04/04/2021 14:50

I've voted YABU, not because of the age gap but because you are talking about inviting a total stranger into your home and I think that is very unwise.

Take it a bit slower, if he's a decent type he'll understand that your safety has to come first.

ttcforsecondtime · 04/04/2021 14:51

My toy boy is 13 years my junior 😆

CecilyP · 04/04/2021 14:53

It’s not a huge gap! Stop thinking of him as a toy boy and just a man you have enjoyed chatting to, meet him in real life and see how it goes.

georgarina · 04/04/2021 14:53

He's an adult at 25 so the gap isn't an issue like it would be if he were younger. If you're both up for it then I would think why not? As a woman I've had bigger age gaps and it hasn't been an issue.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/04/2021 14:59

I'm in my forties on old and I've dabbled a few times with fit twenty year olds. It's a win win. You get someone fit for sex. They get a woman who doesn't want their babies, love or marriage like most of their own age do. It's win, win.

brushlaptop · 04/04/2021 15:00

Who cares just enjoy it!

EmilyfromSussex · 04/04/2021 15:31

@arethereanyleftatall

I'm in my forties on old and I've dabbled a few times with fit twenty year olds. It's a win win. You get someone fit for sex. They get a woman who doesn't want their babies, love or marriage like most of their own age do. It's win, win.
@arethereanyleftatall

Seriously where do you find these fit twenty year olds? Asking for me 😂
I’m 42 and haven’t had a boyfriend in four years and it’s a real confidence killer. I would love to some hunk in their 20s to have fun with. This is making me sound like such a Mrs Robinson

arethereanyleftatall · 04/04/2021 15:55

On online dating @EmilyfromSussex

Go for it!! There's loads of them

EmilyfromSussex · 04/04/2021 16:17

@arethereanyleftatall Just signed up for tinder 😂 cannot believe it, I had no idea when I woke up by four o’clock I’d be actively trying to find a toy boy 😂

Let’s hope some fit 25 year old is willing to put up with some love handles and a mummy tummy.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/04/2021 16:22

@EmilyfromSussex
Good luck!!
Honestly, they don't care. I thought that too when I started out.

jessstan2 · 04/04/2021 16:40

It's OK to have a fling with a younger man, you are both adult, however what sometimes happens is one of you becomes overly attached so beware.

You could alternatively find somebody within your own age group.

Chocolateismakingmefat · 04/04/2021 16:51

Actually when I was 37 I had a fling with a 26yo...
Knew it was a short term measure though. Not like when I met dh..

Original poster
DeniseatEaster · 04/04/2021 17:29

@Chocolateismakingmefat
Was it for his looks? Did you feel worried about not looking as good as girls his own age he would be used to?

OP posts:
Original poster
DeniseatEaster · 04/04/2021 17:31

@jessstan2

It's OK to have a fling with a younger man, you are both adult, however what sometimes happens is one of you becomes overly attached so beware.

You could alternatively find somebody within your own age group.

@jessstan2 I wouldn’t think either of us would become attached but I will keep an eye out.

I want a fling with a younger man as I am sick of men my age for now.

OP posts:
Janaih · 04/04/2021 17:35

Dh is 12/13 years younger than me. Been together 11 years, married 5. 4 year old child

Original poster
DeniseatEaster · 04/04/2021 17:37

@EmilyfromSussex
My experience on dating apps went really smoothly there is so many guys out there wanting to be with more mature women.
If it’s a new experience be prepared to receive lots of naked pictures it appears to be a generational thing but they are very eager to send pictures. That’s the biggest surprise I’ve found in this new world of dating.

OP posts:
Chocolateismakingmefat · 04/04/2021 17:55

Not his looks as such.... Blush
I was just out of a crappy marriage and knew I had a court case ahead... He was on /offf with a gf... Suited us both. And as for my looks - he was well happy to be seen out!!
Ah those were the days...
Grin

Spaceprincess · 04/04/2021 18:06

I'm 50, my bf is 30. What have you got to loose?

Original poster
DeniseatEaster · 04/04/2021 18:13

@Spaceprincess

I'm 50, my bf is 30. What have you got to loose?
Did his mother mind?
OP posts:
Original poster
DeniseatEaster · 04/04/2021 18:26

@ttcforsecondtime
Is yours a relationship or purely physical?

OP posts:
ttcforsecondtime · 04/04/2021 18:58

[quote DeniseatEaster]@ttcforsecondtime
Is yours a relationship or purely physical?[/quote]
Fairly serious relationship lovely ☺️