To not want to see MIL anymore ??

[daizey]

Not really been an issue with lockdown but now we can meet outdoors etc
Saw MIL over weekend

• she immediately made racist comment (this happens a lot) she's been called out on it but continues to do it
• I have a DS age 12 months who we went through an awful lot to conceive - I parent very differently to how she did, she has a lot of experience with "childcare" as she was a childminder. She was always keen for me to stop breastfeeding give a bottle / get into a "routine". I've always been the opposite really - baby led and we cosleep because DS has never been a good sleeper, still breastfed and I won't do sleep training as personally do not believe in this (but equally I don't judge others, it's just definitely not something I will ever consider). Anyway she starts dishing out "advice" again (totally unasked for) about putting my DS in a dark room at night and leaving him to cry because she says I'm probably waking him up at night by sleeping next to him. What upset me most is she started commenting on "what if you have another child you couldn't be baby led then" knowing full well that this isn't something that could come easily having another DS and isn't a guarantee for us to give him a sibling. She said she knows another little girl who coslept who is now 3 and a "complete nightmare" sleeper so much so they have to lock her in her bedroom ?! She just went on and on with all this.
• Shes upset both me and DH but obv he's doubly upset because it's his mum and every time we see her she causes us upset
• she is kind and loves my DS so obviously I don't want to deprive them of a relationship but equally the amount of inappropriate stuff that comes falling out of her mouth all the time does worry me too !!

Sorry it's abit long winded it's my first post on mn

YANBU. I wouldn’t expose my child to a racist. Children’s brains are like sponges, they will learn it from her.

YANBU. The racist comment alone is enough not to see her anymore.
She is one of the types that think they know everything because everything they did was right... apparently.. to them.

I wouldn't tolerate the racist stuff. The rest, just smile and say, 'I'm happy parenting my way, thanks' and change the subject.

Repeat the phrase over and over. Do not engage further, do not get upset, ignore the next-baby stuff too.

I could not tolerate the racist stuff. Just couldn’t

Call her out on the racist stuff, get up and move away.
The rest I'd just ignore. Smile and ignore. Not worth falling out over.

Just to clarify, the parenting 'advice' isn't worth falling out over....the racist stuff is!!

Yes it's like she's been told it's inappropriate but she continues - like she doesn't even realise what she's saying IS racist

Like for example she was going on that she doesn't see what "THEY" have a problem with these days because "back in her day" there was never a problem and she went on to give a really strange example about how once she was on holiday and she interacted with "THEM"

I think I'm more worried about the influence on DS from the narrow minded / racist comments she's clearly not going to change

If you are worried about it then don't put your child in the position of hearing it then. DP has a disgustingly racist and homophobic Uncle. Do we see him? Not a chance would I allow that near our teenagers. If it was his mother saying the same shit then we wouldn't see her either.

Her being a childminder doesn't make her some kind of guru who knows everything. Only you know what is best for your son and your family. Let her know this. Be assertive with her and make sure she is aware when she upsets you. She sounds awful but cutting her off before giving her a chance to know how upset you are by her and telling her assertively how you like doing things means neither of you get a chance to redeem yourself in this situation. If she continues to be hurtful. Then think about reducing contact

I was brought up hearing appalling racist comments but my parents who was brought up with this did not become a racist, and neither, I hope, did I.

What I also grew up with was hearing both my parents calmly challenging and debunking the racism (and other nonsense).
“That’s a very rude thing to say just because someone is a different colour” “well, there’s a very wide generalisation” “ I am so glad I am not judged by the behaviour of...” “good job the original inhabitants of Australia, America, Canada and S Africa aren’t making people ‘go back where they came from’ “, “people are people, we believe in equality in this family” and change the subject.

As for the overbearing advice “Mum, everyone parents in their own style. For better or worse we are happy with what suits us. You had your way and did a good job. To be a good grandparent it would help if you would accept that we do things differently. Let’s not have friction”.

And then “I asked you to let us do it our way, stop it with the advice unless asked for. just STOP “

How can you think she loves your ds? Nice dgm's don't suggests dgc are left alone crying in the dark!
Give her a wide berth before your mh is affected...

Just nod and do it your own way regardless. As for her remark about not being able to be baby led with a second that's complete nonsense. All my kids where baby led.

Why does she make racist remarks in front of you? She should to be told that you will not tolerate that. As your child gets older they may innocently pick it up and repeat; nobody wants that, it's not on.

MIL needs to mind her own business about your child rearing. What was done in her day was probably different to how things were done in the generation before her. So it goes on. The important thing is that your child is content, thriving and you are OK.

It sounds like you are doing fine.

Nothing wrong with co-sleeping either, it's natural and everyone gets a good night's sleep.

Just be firm and divert the conversation where necessary. I can understand it is annoying though.