Sorry this is long...
My DH and I have been together for 9 years, married for 5 years. We've argued a lot over the years and I've made my feelings clear that I don't like us having separate bank accounts since we got married. Up until September last year I was working so I would have contributed also to the bank account..since September I have lost my job due to covid & I've been desperately trying to find something new ever since.
We have 2 DCs (7)&(4) together and usually all my tax credits I get and child benefit is spent on them first and what little is left over at the end of the month I would use but it is very very little. I've struggled to find a job that could fit around childcare as my husband is self employed and isn't exactly willing to help me out with childcare so that I could even find a part time job...he says he can't know in advance what he can and can't help with.
I'm independent and always have been even before we met I've always worked & always paid my way so it's really upset me that I haven't had my own wage coming in & that I find it's been quite difficult when the sole responsibility of childcare falls to me, it's almost like I can find another job so long as it doesn't affect him.
I've brought it up a couple times (mid argument but also in a civilised calm conversation) and he just keeps trying to give me money rather than make the childcare easier for me..there is nobody else who can help out. Our DS (7) is at full time school & our DD (4) is at nursery 15 hours a week which does help but it is difficult trying to find something within those hours.
When I raised the subject of having a joint account I just got "but why?" We are renting a house at the moment and both of our names are on the lease but things just feel disjointed.
Mid argument over finances I also found out he has credit cards I've never known about and a bank loan, 9 years together and I'm just finding out this now.
I feel like by trying to give me money when I have to ask for it he's almost trying to shut me up with regards to the job & earning my own way.
Has anyone else been in this situation & got passed it? I can feel myself pulling back because I now don't trust there's more money issues or other issues I don't know about as when the debt came to light and I asked him why he hasn't told me he said "he didn't feel like he had to"
Any advice would be appreciated...