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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel so drained and done with it. My children won't listen unless I shout.

32 replies

notmuchleft · 03/04/2021 19:44

I just can't take it anymore it's making me not want to go home when I'm done working.

I give a heads up what's going to be happening (ie dd we are going to read this then head upstairs for bed) I give minute warnings (right 1 more min then we're going upstairs) then right time for bed and she will just ignore/whine/ask for more time/ go super sloth all the while I'm on repeat using all sorts of tones of voice to see if any get her moving then I crack and shout. It's like this for every single thing. With ds too.

There's a big age gap and they hate each other and I'm not exaggerating that within 60 seconds guaranteed they will be arguing, making digs, shouting to dob the other in. It's relentless.

Ive tried taking away Xbox/phone(for elder), or toys, tried earlier bedtimes(15mins for each shout session), time outs, behaviour charts bribes, talking to them, talking at them, shouting like a banshee.

I've tried separating them but that's not how I want my family to be like. I also don't want to have to tell them not not even look at each other and eat in silence and even then they are digging under their breath.

What am I doing wrong? I'm not expecting them to be robots it's the fact I have to get worked up and shout for them to listen and it's exhausting. It's making me miserable, I'm not joking when I say I don't want to go home, I often think about how nice it would be to just disappear ( obviously I wouldn't do that but that doesn't stop me wanting to)

Is this what family like if really like? Do I just need to hold on a few more years?

OP posts:
Original poster
notmuchleft · 03/04/2021 19:44

Shit I totally rambled.. sorry and thank you if you got through all that.

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 03/04/2021 19:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

IcanandIwill · 03/04/2021 19:58

Feel for you op. I could have written this, one of mine has confirmed SEN and the other I suspects which doesn't help. Sending solidarity and following for words of wisdom!

1980tastic · 03/04/2021 20:01
  1. How old are they both? Are your expectations based on a realistic expectation?
  1. Are they exposed to consistent parenting rules, or are your messages and boundaries undermined? E.g. their dad, any caregiver like grandparents.
  1. What are they like outside your influence? Do school report behaviour issues above the norm? What about going to the park with a friend, or in public, etc.
coodawoodashooda · 03/04/2021 20:14

Yeah. How old?

Merryoldgoat · 03/04/2021 20:14

Like the above I’d like to know how old they are.

Also, why do they argue? Really?

I used to be a shouter OP and I’ve worked very hard over lockdown to stop. My relationship with my son has got much better since I started listening more, discussing and compromising more and being a bit more flexible but my son is 8, very articulate and able to negotiate but also understand the non-negotiable.

Phineyj · 03/04/2021 20:30

I feel your pain. I have one 8 year old with ADHD - which affects her ability to fall asleep. Tbh it was a constant battle till we got some medication for her 6 months ago. One thing I wonder though is are they actually tired when you're putting them to bed? In our case DD actually needs to go to bed pretty early as she's a very early riser. If we miss the sweet spot we can get a lot of nonsense.

Original poster
notmuchleft · 03/04/2021 20:30

Ages 4 & 11 and they fight over everything, who gets to the table first, who sits where on the sofa, he told her to shut up, she's being annoying. He winds her up on purpose and she won't be nice to him "because he's never nice to her"

They are the same for dh too. She always gets glowing reports from nursery and only negative from school is he talks too much.

OP posts:
HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 03/04/2021 20:33

I have a 4yo and they're annoying! But it sounds like you're possibly trying too many strategies and nothing is consistent enough to stick. I also think you need to be clear that expectations of a 4yo are different to an 11yo. Decide your expectations, decide your consequences (positive and negative) and stick to them.

GreenSlide · 03/04/2021 20:33

11 year old needs to grow up a bit, maybe have a proper sit down talk with them about being kind to their much younger sibling.

LouiseTrees · 03/04/2021 20:38

@GreenSlide

11 year old needs to grow up a bit, maybe have a proper sit down talk with them about being kind to their much younger sibling.
Yep and have a chat with them that they are going to secondary school soon ( if not already there) and can’t be getting annoyed with people deliberately goading him. He needs to rise above.
Merryoldgoat · 03/04/2021 20:40

That’s the same gap I had with my sister. It was hell. Honestly.

As far as I’m concerned these are the basics:

The younger doesn’t get to invade the older’s room
The younger doesn’t get to trash the older’s stuff
They are not allowed to be violent to each other

After that I think you need to get strict with ground rules but keep them separate as much as possible and have realistic ideas of what you expect of them. It’s not realistic to expect them to be friends at those ages.

daisiesinmay · 03/04/2021 20:43

I'd recommend the book called 'Siblings without Rivalry' by Adele Faber

Original poster
notmuchleft · 03/04/2021 20:49

He is indeed starting secondary in sept. And she will be starting reception.

I've had so many chats with him, I've always been worried he would feel pushed out (Pfb v youngest) so always made a point of explaining all my decisions and why he gets stronger punishment and how he should know better and set examples blah blah blah. He nods and agrees but changes nothing.

OP posts:
KirstyHasLeft · 03/04/2021 20:50

Mine are 5 and 12. It's shit. I have no advice.

OverTheRubicon · 03/04/2021 20:56

You mention 'so many chats' and all the warnings and the shouting... Do you think you're perhaps drowning them (and your messages) in communication a bit? Could you have a 'family' meeting to discuss expectations - and hear their thoughts or ideas too - then try to be very calm, very to the point and try sticker charts if that's how you roll, and/or move to natural or at least linked consequences if they don't follow up after a message and a reminder (e.g. if he's playing a computer game, you agree a finish time with him at the start, give him a 5 min warning, ask him to stop at the agreed time and he doesn't, then he loses the game for a day/weekend etc).

Also like others say, the 11 year old needs to start having more responsibility for himself and maybe some things around the house, but also does need a safe space from the 4 year old.

Good luck, it's hard.

junebirthdaygirl · 03/04/2021 20:57

Another book
How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk
Easy reading d with good tips

Merryoldgoat · 03/04/2021 21:11

@notmuchleft

He is indeed starting secondary in sept. And she will be starting reception.

I've had so many chats with him, I've always been worried he would feel pushed out (Pfb v youngest) so always made a point of explaining all my decisions and why he gets stronger punishment and how he should know better and set examples blah blah blah. He nods and agrees but changes nothing.

I was given all these chats - I ‘should know better’ etc.

Here are some of the things my sister did:

Drew in my school books
Ripped pages out of my books
Played in my room with friends when I was out and broke my stuff
Poured shampoo in my bed
Hit herself and told my mum I did it
Called my friends and was rude to them down the phone

But it was always my that was talked to because she was too young.

I’m not saying this is the case for you OP but be open to your younger needing limits as well.

Just being allowed to have some privacy and my room being out of bounds would’ve been enough.

BoyTree · 03/04/2021 21:23

Do they have separate bedrooms that they can go to, or at least your oldest can get away to get some space?

I think a family meeting might be a good idea - start without accusations, just say that you've noticed that things aren't running smoothly and you want some help sorting it out. If you ask them to come up with some ideas, they might surprise you. Of course, they might come up with nothing, but that doesn't mean that you can't discuss ideas, and encourage them to pipe up if they think something's unfair or talk about how compromise might be the fairest way. Then, if things don't change, you have a starting point of the agreement that you reached and you can decide whether you need to revise the ideas or whether there's a better way to implement them etc.

EdHelpPls · 03/04/2021 21:24

Do each of them get enough one on one time with you and your partner (if you have one?)
Mine always are in better form when we've had a proper time to connect.
I had a tough time with my eldest and once I stepped back from making sure she did the "right things" (school etc) and focused more on the relationship, everything changed.
Encourage teamwork with family challenges and projects (mine are 18,7 and 4 so I appreciate big age differences can be tricker) and notice skills each have and encourage them to notice when the other does something well. It'll feel weird and forced at the start but there's a feel good factor that will kick in once the stubbornness gets boring...

Original poster
notmuchleft · 03/04/2021 21:31

@Merryoldgoat she has done 4 of that list that I know of straight away!

Ok his bedroom will be off limits from now on and will look into those books suggested too.

I don't know the best way going forward though, how can I pick a punishment to stick to when none work?

OP posts:
daisiesinmay · 03/04/2021 21:43

Just focus on rewarding and praising the good behaviour and ignoring the bad as far as possible OP. Your punishment system isn't working and it's probably making you feel drained trying to run it. The books will give you a fresh perspective.

MotherofTerriers · 03/04/2021 21:44

I had a much younger sibling, although not quite as big an age gap as you have.
I think it is really important that your oldest has a bedroom that the little one can't access. I still remember coming home from school to find my parents had taken the lock off my bedroom door, because being shut out upset my little brother. He was always playing in there breaking things and it made me feel that nothing was really mine

Iggly · 03/04/2021 21:45

Read siblings without rivalry! It’s a fab book for this

Phineyj · 03/04/2021 22:29

Oof, that's a tough age gap! I think maybe you and DH could divide and rule. You focus on one properly for a week and he on the other and then swap? No strategy is going to work equally well for a 4 year old and an 11 year old.

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