Emotional detachment and disconnect

[Hammeredgold]

I'm finally engaging with therapy and able to put a name to the way I've been feeling for the past few years.

At the moment I'm living in a constant state of low-level unhappiness and discontentment, trapped inside my own head.

I feel like a shell of a person with no meaningful relationships outside of my marriage. I have nothing to say to anyone and nothing to offer them other than superficial pleasantries.

My husband loves me but I've already mentally checked out of my marriage as a method of self-preservation while I wait for it to fail. If it does I'll be well prepared and able to carry on my own.

I long for connection and fear it at the same time, worried that I will never be able to live up to expectations and be a good enough friend. Not lively enough, interesting enough, caring enough. I have no hobbies and my self-esteem is at rock-bottom, so on the rare occasion I have something to talk about I'm already convinced that no one will be interested in hearing it, or I will come across as ignorant.

I think I'm even boring my therapist.

I'm never grumpy, never angry, nor am I ever ecstatic or excited or enthusiastic. I'm just...not here. Completely vacant.

Enthusiasm and passion feel like such ostentatious emotions when I try them. The kind of outburst that looks wonderful and joyful on other people who deserve it, but that would look vulgar and embarrassing on me.

To others I must seem perpetually underwhelmed.

I used to be creative. Have dreams. Be brave. I used to be good at things.

I can't see a way out of this. The thought of living like this for the rest of my life terrifies me.

It sounds like you are concerned about what other people think a lot? It is hard, but maybe do something you like/gives you pleasure just because you like it? Maybe get into a tv show or hobby or whatever because it is something you like - you don’t have to continue if it doesn’t work out? You don’t have to talk about it consciously to people you know - maybe participate in some mumsnet threads on it.

What is your therapist's advice? I feel I could have written every word of your post

God I could’ve written this. I feel exactly the same. Work is tiring, I’m managing family expectation from my mother plus two children with Sen and I feel incredibly disconnected and like you, I’m not sure how to resolve this empty feeling. What has your therapist suggested?

I can relate to a lot of what you've written and have recently started ADs as I'm now personally at the stage where I can't cope with it anymore (years) and believe mine stems from depression. It's an awful way to feel and I hope you get some comfort from knowing you are not alone. Can you pinpoint it to any time/event/thing in your life when you started to feel this way?

You sound completely burnt out. The sort of derealisation/depersonalisation you describe is a not uncommon stress response and can be unconscious self preservation. I am dealing with it.

Have you had your thyroid tested, and are you possibly perimenopausal? Physical causes can contribute.

It takes a good while to build yourself back as a person. I find doing one tiny thing a day that is mine, that I’m good at or enjoy, is a start. It can be something as simple as sowing some seeds or a nice cup of tea.

I’ve also found that taking care of the basics - sleep, food, exercise - goes a long way.

I’ve felt similar to this for a while. A consultant psychiatrist diagnosed PND and said I’d developed “avoidant attachment” as a result of my childhood.

He’s prescribed twelve weeks of talking therapy and sertraline. If I were you I’d be looking for a diagnosis and don’t take no for an answer from your GP. You don’t have to live like this, and it’s not healthy- particularly your attitude to your marriage, which doesn’t sound like it has a reason to fail except you seemingly waiting for it to do so.

VestaTilley thank you for posting. Do you mind me asking, and feel free not to answer, but what sort of childhood experiences have you managed to link to your avoidant attachment? Can you recommend any reading that you found particularly helpful? My one hope is that if I can understand more about it perhaps I can start to make sense of it.

user1470132907 not perimenopausal and no reason to suspect any thyroid issues, but burnt out is a good way to put it. I put on an incredibly robust front to family and colleagues so you'd never know it just from speaking to me, but sometimes I feel one degree away from having a complete breakdown. It's strange how it's possible to feel so completely detached from life and yet in feel so much pain inside at the same time.

Whatapalavaa thank you and yes, it does. I'm sorry you're having such a bad time of it. Are the AD's helping? I just want to feel like me again.

To those of you who have asked, my therapist hasn't offered me any advice and tells me that it isn't her role to do so.

It sounds so pathetic but at this point I just crave connection with others. I feel so trapped in this one-dimensional life I've created for myself. It feels like such a waste.

I feel like this too. I have no hobbies or interests really, and I find myself unable to contribute to conversation because of it.

I’m interested in what @VestaTilley says too.

Op

What did you learn about emotion as you were growing up? What was your relationship with your parents like? A lot of the answers are probably there.

Gosh, yeah, I can relate. I sometimes feel that I'm existing rather than living. Being a grown-up is largely rather shite. And I cannot remember the last time I felt excited about anything. I didn't have the best childhood, but can remember feeling excited about stuff all the time back then.

@Hammeredgold

I haven't been taking them long enough to tell much difference yet.

How are you feeling now?