Lockdown lady

[Moelwynbach]

We have moved recently to a very out of the way bit of Wales. We have lovely neighbours the air is clear and I'm very happy. Bought the house four years ago and decided to move last autumn.

There is a lady who was born in my house who now lives up the road with her family she has told me all about the history of the house and frequently made me Welsh cakes when we bought the house.
She obviously had some memory problems which have now progressed. Her lovely family work a few miles away and I from home. I have a desk downstairs overlooking the street and mountain views its bliss but Mrs.O is visiting aaaaaalllll the time and is agitated as to why im in her home. Rattling the door handle and peering in the house. Ive mentioned it to her daughter who says that she is trying to get help byt she can't afford to keep coming out of work every time and TBH I can't blame her.
I have tried talking to her and she barged in and went up stairs. Ive called the local authority but they have a massive waiting list. The police just seems too heavy handed but I'm not sure how to help plus its hard work as it can be several times a day!
Poor woman....AIBU to not know what to do?

I'd move upstairs/out of sight and ignore the door for a while.

When you say memory problems OP could it be dementia? If it is and her daughter can't be around to watch her, it sounds like she might need a carer or something similar.

Goodness. You’re being haunted by her ghost and she’s not even dead.

Get a proper lock on your door and stay out of sight.

It will be dementia of some sort - I would report to local authority and police because she is becoming a danger to herself. She won’t get into any trouble but it will help speed along a medical assessment.

Oh bless her. While it's very sad, her daughter needs to be doing more: if she's wandering/this confused, she probably needs more frequent care visits (or any at all), or even to be in residential care.

When my grandma started wandering we booked visits for care homes - neither my mum nor I was able to have her living with us - and, in the interim few weeks while we could get her a place, visited 4 times a day between us as well as the carer visits and sadly had to lock her in the house in between (we had Ring cameras set up, fire alarms in every room with automatic 999 calls set up etc). But we couldn't risk her wandering off and getting injured or, as she was prone to doing, wandering into neighbours' houses.

So I feel for the daughter, it was a worry. But she can't expect you to just be okay with it, it's an enormous responsibility (and intrusion, as confused as she is) for you - what do you do, turf her out and send her on her way? People with dementia can very easy become agitated and aggressive if you confuse them.

I'd try and invite the daughter over and be clear that while you feel for her and her mum, it's not something that's sustainable.

Sorry I see the daughter has said she's trying to get help - tricky, because you'd be well within your rights to put your foot down a bit and tell her the next time you'll call the police to ensure her mum is properly cared for... But in light of it being a small place where people seem to stay local (and the sad circumstances for this lady) I don't know if that would do any good other than cause the daughter more distress and you hassle.

Maybe next time call the local police station (101, not 999 of course) and then call the daughter to let her know that's what you've done and explain that's the safest course of action for you to take so that her mum isn't wandering by herself and that you don't have capacity to deal with it - that you're letting her know that's the course you're going to take, it's not malicious but you can't be responsible for Mrs O every day?

Since the obvious solutions are not working, I’d say you need blinds, a gate if possible which you lock so she can’t get to your door, and if you can’t install a gate then remove the outside door handle so she can’t rattle it. Seriously, you need to find a way to discourage her and deflect this problem back to the family without having to get stroppy with them.

You should call the police. She won’t get arrested but it can speed up referrals etc for adult social care etc

They are there to help not criminalize old people!!

Do it every time so they can log the concerns

There’s an elderly woman wandering about confused about where she lives. Her daughter needs to be doing much more. Taking her home when she turns up at yours is not the answer.

Call the police. It was only when a police officer got stroppy with the council that my grandma got any help.

I think you might be doing her daughter a favour if you do call the police, tbh. It might actually hurry the local authority up a bit.

I am not sure about the diagnosis although its probably Dementia. I only sort of answered the once as she was highly agitated and genuinely upset. The front door is directly onto the street so I can't stop her from rattling it.
Her daughter couldn't do anymore if she tried they live together she is struggling and up all hours. My heart goes out to them all we have reported everything to the local authority the GP comes out regularly I do think it is time she had some additional support. She has been to a day centre but all services are closed for the forseeable so she is rattling around while her daughter tries to work to keep a roof over their head.
It could happen to any of us poor Mrs. O. Imight contact the police next time as she just gets worse.

Yes, lock your doors, and be generally less accessible to her, gates too. She might be a nice old sort, but she's not your problem or responsibility.

I’d suggest writing to or calling the local GP surgery (it as remote as you say, there is probably only one) and saying you have concerns. They won’t divulge any information to you but they should write to her and ask her to see the GP.

Also call Age U.K., adult social care and the non emergency police. It might be dementia or it could be she has something else but either way it’s not fair on either of you to continue.

Crossed post. It’ll have to be non emergency police to report. They will advise you what to do when she nexts visits and might speak to her/family/carer in the meantime.

What about putting a note on the door saying something like ‘Margaret [or whatever she is called], pick up parcel from [address of home]’? Or some similar thing that might head her off, or encourage her back to her house?

Oh dear sounds difficult, I work in dementia services and when I am in my office day service users are constantly rattling the handle and banging on my door. It is your home and I really sympathise, not sure what can be done to stop her unless she goes in to a care home.

@Enquirer20 that sounds like a good idea. I just think I just want to treat her with kindness and compassion she doesn't ask for any of this. If I had the time I would gladly have her in to calm down. I have worked with adults with Dementia so I know the score she also flits between Welsh and English so I can't fully understand her. I have some Welsh but am not fluent.
Poor lady I think heading her off at the pass is the only way really. Her daughter is a lovely woman who put her entire life on hold to care for her mum.

I just worry she will walk into the street in front of a car if she gets too distressed.
She has periods of lucidity. I can't fault her kindness but even her daughter admits she can't keep going like this. Her daughter has been round to apologise about half an hour ago a brought her mums Welsh cakes! Funny what our brains retain. She has Alzheimer's Dementia and she is going to start exploring her options. She doesn't need to apologise none of this is anybody's fault. Her brother is coming to stay to proper support for next week at least. Im doing the shopping with mine they have enough to do.