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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling panic at the though of breakup. HELP PLEASE

17 replies

Sosaddd · 03/04/2021 00:22

Firstly, posting here for the traffic.
Secondly bare with me as I don’t want to include too much information as it could be outing:(

Myself and my partner have been together for 6 years. It’s been a rocky road 2 DC.

It’s been abusive the whole period however I never realised this until 4 years in after the birth of our first child.

Throughout the past 3 years my life has been a complete misery and I’m just so sad and tired :(

I’m a SAHM also a student (first year) completely financially reliant on him which puts me in the worst position. Money I have (benefits) goes on bills rent etc however he will give £100 a week shopping.
Without this I would completely not have any money:(
He has been emotionally and physically abusive more times than I can count and has resulted in some nasty bruises and the most awful emotional pain.
Tonight there was an argument as i feel he does not pull his weight and has been spending a lot of time devoting himself to a new business
Recently he has also been avoiding me and I do feel as though something is going on but when mentioned this of course it was denied.
The fact is his reaction from being told my feelings were not considerate on the slightest and resulted in him packing his bags. Which is done quite a lot and when he does do this he proceeds to dating sites/snapchat and uses the excuse that I had “thrown” him out however I feel as though he leaves me no choice as usually these arguments about him not pulling his weight lead to physical abuse.
It’s been a cycle of this for around 3 years.
I’m now staying at a friends house and he is home.
There’s the background but the position I’m now in leaves me feeling stuck:(
I don’t think I want to be with him anymore but I feel total panic at the thought of him leaving, free to do his thing with no money struggles, a nice life, OW, all the while I’m miserable heartbroken, and penniless. This does not seem the end of the world when I’ve just read it back to myself however living this moment for my is the worst outcome :( I just don’t know where to turn any more to be honest
Sorry for grammar errors etc trying to fit everything in quickly so I can hopefully have some replies ASAP

OP posts:

Original poster

Sosaddd · 03/04/2021 00:31

Anyone?
I know the relationship needs to be finished. But how do I do it?

OP posts:

Workinghardeveryday · 03/04/2021 00:40

You already have your answer, you don’t think you want to be with him anymore... I mean what is there not to like? Emotionally and physically abusive. Your kids will pick up on both from a very early age, you don’t want that for them. They will grow up thinking that is normal and you know it deep down.
What about you! When you were a little girl and thought about being grown up with kids, did it involve being abused?! Of course it didn’t!! You also know he won’t change and sooner or later you will be sat on your bed in tears again because of him.
Pull your shoulders back, remember who you are deep down and you are worth so much better than being treated this way. Yes it will be shit until you get on your feet, at least you will be independent and not having your kids pick up on abuse and you will feel like the real you again.
Good luck op xx

GladysTheGroovyMule · 03/04/2021 00:46

www.womensaid.org.uk/ Is a helpful site including an online chat feature. The national domestic abuse hotline is 08082000247. If you google your town/city and women’s aid they might have a local number to call. I called my local number and they were amazing I couldn’t have left my ex without them, they kept me alive- literally.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I totally understand the agony and terror you feel about leaving. You can do it though, you can leave. It took me years to actually do it but I did. I hope you don’t wait years to leave this bastard. Are you and your children safe where you are? If there’s ever a time when you’re not call 999 and if you can’t talk dial 5 once they answer, they’ll know you’re in danger but can’t speak.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/04/2021 00:50

You simply can't allow your children to grow up in this environment. It will ruin them. No matter how hard it is to leave, you must leave.

partyatthepalace · 03/04/2021 03:13

So sorry you have been having a rough time OP, but you know what you need to do - separate. It may be very tight etc, but if you are at college you will be able to earn decent money in time - the tough times will pass.

You cannot continue to be beaten and verbally abused - but if you won’t move for yourself, do it for them - this experience will scar them for life if it continues.

First thing - speak to women’s aid.

Also speak to citizens advice re your housing rights. If it doesn’t pose any immediate danger, what you may need to do is get back into your house and then kick him out, so you can try and hold onto your kids home - but take legal advice on this.

You will probably need to consult a lawyer to sort out money etc - but citizens advice will advice you on this.

When college reopens talk to them about any bursaries you may be able to access. And also some low cost therapy.

You should also take a look at the freedoms programme.

Original poster

Sosaddd · 03/04/2021 09:10

Thanks everyone I know I need to leave but it’s so hard! I don’t know why or I don’t know if it’s love but I feel like I’m so in love with him and it’s making me feel sick 😢 going home now so the confrontation will begin and I don’t know what’s going to happen.

OP posts:

notanothertakeaway · 03/04/2021 09:13

Women's Aid can offer really good advice and practical support. They won't pressure you to end the relationship, but will support you if you choose to leave

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2021 09:20

Unfortunately you need to leave uni and get a job, without a job you will have no income and as you are not married he won’t have to give you anything, apart from for the dc - and good luck with that if he is SE
Do you have any skills or experience you can utilise?
He is an abusive arsehole and you need to keep yourself safe in the short term and plan a life without him

Original poster

Sosaddd · 03/04/2021 09:34

That would be the worst outcome that I would need to leave uni I really enjoy it and don’t think I’d be able to get anywhere in life without my degree.

OP posts:

slashlover · 03/04/2021 09:56

@Sosaddd

That would be the worst outcome that I would need to leave uni I really enjoy it and don’t think I’d be able to get anywhere in life without my degree.

If he's physically abusing you then the worst outcome could actually be him seriously hurting or killing you.

Go to the Entitledto page and work out what benefits you'd receive. Maybe ask for this to be moved to the Relationships board as there are people who really know their stuff over there.

Choccyaddict4eva · 03/04/2021 09:59

@Sosaddd

That would be the worst outcome that I would need to leave uni I really enjoy it and don’t think I’d be able to get anywhere in life without my degree.

Before you do anything drastic with regards to uni, call Student Finance England and explain what has happened- find out if you can claim a maintenance loan for the rest of the academic year, and if not, what your options will be. Hopefully you won’t need to leave uni. As a single parent with dependants, you’ll be able to claim a maintenance loan to help you pay your rent and bills. If you need childcare for your children, you’ll be able to claim a childcare grant which you do not need to pay back. It’s completely doable. I completed a degree as a single parent and claimed all of the above. You’ll be much happier living without this horrible man. You deserve to be happy, and your children deserve to grow up with a mother in a normal, stable home. It seems scary now because the relationship, despite it being abusive, is all you know, but things will get better. Stay strong x

Original poster

Sosaddd · 03/04/2021 11:10

Thanks everyone I know what I need to do it’s just the doing it that I’m really struggling to do and dreading how I will feel after. I know I need to think about the children’s sake which of course I do and this is the main thing I think about although it may seem I don’t as I would have done it already.
I can’t explain in depth how I feel as I don’t know myself
It’s as though there is some psychological hold onto him and leaving him but as you say it’s all I’ve ever known. I’m only early 20s so I’m still young and my whole adult life has been around my life with him.
He’s always messaged girls when we have broke up and I’ve took him back and then found out when I’ve gone on to his phone which I’m dreading also? Why am I feeling like this? I don’t know why I care but I do and it’s awful
I still haven’t gone home and I am at a friends as once I do this is where it all begins

OP posts:

Mabelface · 03/04/2021 11:21

Stay at your friends and start getting help from there. You're out! You're safe. You can do this.

Choccyaddict4eva · 03/04/2021 14:15

@Sosaddd

Thanks everyone I know what I need to do it’s just the doing it that I’m really struggling to do and dreading how I will feel after. I know I need to think about the children’s sake which of course I do and this is the main thing I think about although it may seem I don’t as I would have done it already. I can’t explain in depth how I feel as I don’t know myself It’s as though there is some psychological hold onto him and leaving him but as you say it’s all I’ve ever known. I’m only early 20s so I’m still young and my whole adult life has been around my life with him. He’s always messaged girls when we have broke up and I’ve took him back and then found out when I’ve gone on to his phone which I’m dreading also? Why am I feeling like this? I don’t know why I care but I do and it’s awful I still haven’t gone home and I am at a friends as once I do this is where it all begins

Don’t go back. Stay at your friends and plan the next steps from there. You’re out now so well done, you’ve overcome the first hurdle. Let him talk to other girls, leave him to it. I have been a single mum since my twenties. It feels scary at first but you will cope and get through it- and come out stronger.

BoredOfCbeebies · 03/04/2021 14:22

Don't go back home. Ring women's aid and they will help you, and discuss your options. You're young, you've got lots of time to do your degree, but don't tie yourself to him forever. He's got a psychological hold on you, by the sounds of it, but it's definitely not love. Does your friend know, could you talk to them?

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2021 16:28

@Sosaddd

That would be the worst outcome that I would need to leave uni I really enjoy it and don’t think I’d be able to get anywhere in life without my degree.

It’s really not the worst outcome Once you have settled again I am sure you can go back but no degree is worth being abused for

tenlittlecygnets · 03/04/2021 16:41

You life will seem a thousand times easier without him in it.

Your relationship is toxic, and your dc will grow up thinking this is normal.

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