Changing names - marriage/divorce/new relationship

[Meme69]

More a WWYD than an AIBU. I got married 6 years ago and took my husbands surname, I like it, it made my name sound better. I was never that keen on my maiden name anyway. We split up after a few years and are getting divorced, but since we got married I have become quite well known professionally by my married name. In my field of work, people know who I am (I've published work etc).

I'm now in a new relationship and my DP has asked if I'm going to change my name back to my maiden one once I'm divorced. I said no, it's a pain in the arse changing it, plus professionally it would mean I'd not be immediately recognised iyswim.

He then said, what if we got married would you take my name? I said absolutely, I would in a personal capacity but not professionally.

He didn't really say a lot but he did ask why I'd want to keep my exes name and seemed a bit hurt about it.

I'm not really up for a discussion as to whether a woman should take her husbands name, it's a very personal choice and something I did because I wanted to, I liked the name. I have 3 kids who have a different name to me anyway so I'm not worried about having the same name as my children (if the school call etc and say is that Mrs Smith, Brian Smith's mum, I just say yes, even though my name isn't Smith). I just want to know what other people would do in the same circumstances?

No idea why that doesn't have paragraphs in it, it did when I typed it!!

I’d double barrel it.

As you’re established professionally under your current name then you should definitely stay as you are. I can understand why your DP isn’t keen though, & this situation just shows exactly why changing names on marriage is a very odd concept.

When I divorced I was already in a serious relationship(didn't cheat!) . Knew we would marry. Tbh I hated his surname and his dps and knew I would never take his name nor would any dc... On the day my absolute came through I changed my married name to dh's first name.. Ds is first name then dh's first name.

Similar to you OP, I took my now-ex Husbands name because I disliked my maiden name and his was better. I've kept it through separation and divorce.

If/when I marry DP I'll take his like a shot (it's a very cool name, plus there's no way I'd give any children my / my ex-husbands name so they'd definitely have his) but professionally I'd keep my ex's surname. It's what I've been known by over the last decade as my career has progressed. I also share my ex's surname with a senior and very well-respected colleague and the mistaken assumption that we're related does no harm

I would keep the name and if he isn't able to see it's about you and not him or your ex that's his problem. It's a really unattractive trait that I would put my off someone.

@DisgruntledPelican

As you’re established professionally under your current name then you should definitely stay as you are. I can understand why your DP isn’t keen though, & this situation just shows exactly why changing names on marriage is a very odd concept.

It is an odd concept but I'd kind of liked it when I got married. I can also see why he isn't keen, but its a cool name and it suits me! 😂

I don't think he'd like it any more if I double barrelled it. It's quite a dilemma to be honest.

Changing my name professionally would be difficult to say the least, this sounds big headed, but my name currently opens doors for me professionally, and I wouldn't like to have to explain who I was each time. I could do it I suppose, but it would feel a huge step backwards. Plus what if some one slags me off because they don't realise they are talking about me!! 😂

When I married my wife. I mean when we got married, she kept her own name for professional stuff and took my name for personal things.
It worked well for us,

@Paul72

When I married my wife. I mean when we got married, she kept her own name for professional stuff and took my name for personal things. It worked well for us,

I think it's because it's not actually my maiden name, but my ex husbands name that is the issue. He wouldn't care if it was my maiden name.

Could you use DP surname on a personal level but for professional purposes double barrel it, tagging new surname on the end?

Unsure though whether that would still be a pain in the backside and not enough of a compromise for DPs liking

I would keep your name you use for professional stuff.... In my field I'm sure it really doesn't help wheb names changes... And some women are perceived negatively if moving away from their professional name (by dinosaurs)... Someone in our department was on surname number 3 in 9 years... No one quite was sure if it was that Jo who wrote a huge number of papers on x...

Keep the name you generally use.

It’s not your ex-husband’s name. It’s yours by right now. I didn’t change mine when I got divorced, or when I remarried. Like you I have a professional reputation and it didn’t want to. Also I really didn’t want to do the explaining only women have to do on marriage and divorce. It wasn’t anyone’s business.

I changed mine back to my maiden name when I divorced.
But I did it because I didn't want an irrelevant ex's name on my possible future kids birth certificates.

Was going to type same as @Seainasive. It is YOUR name. Dont be bullied into changing it. It makes much more sense for you to keep it professionally, and also personally if you want.

Paul72: When I married my wife. I mean when we got married, she kept her own name for professional stuff and took my name for personal things. It worked well for us
Sounds like it worked well for you. where was your compromise and awkward name changing?

Angela Merkel divorced Mr Merkel in the 1980s and has been married to someone else for a quarter of a century.