Narcissistic mother is spreading lies

[Opal93]

I have finally gone NC with my mother after a few unsuccessful attempts in the past. She finally seems to get that I’m serious this time and we have had no contact since before Christmas. The problem now is she is playing the victim and spreading lies and I am having to deal with other family members acting like I’m the one in the wrong. I’ve had things said to me “you were an awful teenager, you gave her such a hard time” in reality I didn’t. And when I mention her abuse that is undeniably wrong, I’m told “life is short, you shouldn’t hold grudges like this, family is family etc” and I just say well I have had to do this for my own well-being. I haven’t been going around bad mouthing her or trying to get people on my side, it’s nothing to do with anyone else. I’ve even been told “your mother isn’t going to live much longer how would you feel if she dropped dead?” She has no health issues apart from an alcohol problem. The latest is about my sons birthday. We put some decorations up and had cake just the four of us. But my mother has been going around saying she is sooo hurt we had a party and didn’t invite her. I don’t know how she knew, someone must have showed her my social media. But it wasn’t a party, they are not bloody allowed in lockdown! Plus it was my sons birthday and the day was about him, no way did I want her drama. Apparently now she is “so hurt she doesn’t want anything to do with me” I know there’s really nothing I can do about all this, I just need to ignore but AIBU to find this so frustrating that people get sucked in by her lies and believe everything she says?

I had to cut ties with that side of the family to be rid of the drama. Some people put themselves in the middle of it all and won't let you get on with your life. I didn't contact with my abusive parent and I also didn't want to experience all their abusive bullshit via family members who would put their own spin on it.
Have you said, look, this is how I'm going forward and I'd be grateful if you would trust me to make the right decision for myself, so from now on I won't be discussing it?

Truly narcissistic people are impossible. If you are dealing with a narcissist, firstly, I’m terribly sorry. Secondly, if they are a full-blown narc then no contact is the best way to thrive.

Find yourself a mantra to respond to all comments from family and repeat repeat repeat. Whether it's "really? well you are entitled to your opinion" or "I no longer discuss anything to do with my mother" or "fuck off" or saying nothing and changing the subject. Don't engage. Ranting privately is absolutely fine though.

I think you just have to cut relatives off when they start talking about your mother.

"I'm not interested...I dont want to hear" etc. They will soon get the message

I’ve had all those comments and I truly sympathise. You either NC all together or have the strictest rules and stick to them rigidly - the second someone oversteps the mark you nip it in the bud.

“I won’t be discussing this with you”

Also useful, no response unless it’s a reasonable, respectful contact. The minute you get anything unreasonable stop replying completely. It’s like training a dog. It’s really, really hard to start asserting your boundaries after a lifetime of people treading all over them. You have my respect and support.

Tell the family members you gave them more credit than to fall for her bullshit but seems you over estimated them. Back away from such people op..

I have this - not with me but within the wider family. I advise to say to the flying monkeys things such as:
“You can believe what you want to but I could tell you things that would utterly horrify you. I really don’t wish to discuss this further as I do not want to wash my dirty linen in public”
Or
“Please understand that there are two sides to every story. You have only heard X’s as she seems to have no compunction in bad mouthing me to everyone. I could tell you things that would make your hair curl but it doesn’t seem right to me and I don’t want you to think badly of her”
It gives the flying monkeys a bloody clue that perhaps they’ve been had by a liar but also gives you the moral high ground as you aren’t stooping to their level (well, not quite).

People will believe her because she comes across as being plausible and likeable and may even turn in the water works. They think they ‘know’ her and feel empathy for the ‘pour soul’ that she is with such a bad daughter yada yada.

I don’t like being out in that position with a female relative I have.

I started saying “there are two sides to every story so don’t believe everything she tells you. I’ve tried for years to get along with her but she’s told some terrible lies about me in such a plausible way that people believe somehow that I’m that bad one. You don’t know the full story and it upsets me too much to talk about it all. Sorry but she’s manipulating you. You must know I’m not a bad person. She’s hurt me so deeply over the years. Let’s not talk about this any more”. Change subject.

I just feel that if they believe her she will turn them against me. I won’t let that happen without standing up for myself. They deserve to hear my side. If they are still interested I will tell them but only if I’m feeling up to it.

Sometimes however they still believe her. Because they think they know her. And I am the liar. That kills me that they could think of me like that.

They will find out what she’s like when she does to then what she did to me though

Hi - so sorry you are dealing with this op. I have been in a very similar position. The lies that have been spread about me have been vicious. I am the black sheep because of it all and she plays the victim so well.

I have been no contact this time for 3 years and do not intend on changing that ever.
From my own personal experience it's better to remove any family that speak to her from social media. I have done this recently as they were putting pics up of her, doing the "poor woman" routine. Everyone flocks round her, I have been left picking up the pieces after my sister died at her hands. I am still coming to terms with all the abuse, addiction and other trauma I endured. I suffer with cptsd, anxiety and have real trust issues.

The biggest thing I am having to deal with is that there is no resolution or end to it. I know I am much better off without her, but the loss, grief and anger gets no output. If I speak my mind she will do the "see I told you so" to the rest of the family, so I cut them out too for my own protection.

My mantra is you cannot change what people think about you but you can change how you react.

I have found a wonderful counsellor after trying several who is really helping me, it's going to be a long process.

Remember with narcs the Villain plays the victim very well, and the black sheep is often the person who sees through the bullshit!

Hang on in there and feel free to Pm me x

The flying monkeys can't be convinced - they are under the delusion. Just got to keep a distance from all of them. It's not fair but over time you have to trust that people will see through it. The ones worth worrying about anyway.
But you have to walk away from all of it - not just physically but mentally too.

You’re doing the right thing. Your immediate family are your priority. Attention seekers are rather draining to our mental health and overall feeling of well being. Difficult as it is, try not to get into jousting with people by trying to justify your actions. The sooner you make it clear it’s not up for discussion, the sooner people will stop trying to interfere.

My sympathies Op. I have been NC with my mother for a number of years now. Huge narcissist and an intensely dangerous woman.

My advice?

1. Close off your social media. I haven’t had fb for years and only friends on Insta. Even then I hardly post anything there. What happens in my personal life is kept off social media. I put very little out there for her/ her circle to feed off.
2. identify the flying monkeys and figure out which ones can be boundaried and which ones (potentially) need cutting off. Some flying monkeys are sadly completely complicit in the dysfunction and won’t change. Others, will listen and respect your boundaries and engage with you directly. Sadly for me, to properly remove my mothers poison from my life, that’s also involved not seeing certain members of my family (no loss).
3. Don’t engage anywhere in discussion re her. Cut it all off, you know it’s called narcissistic supply. Any form of mental/ emotional engagement from you - the narcissist wins.
4. if you’re not already. I highly recommend counselling. You seem very frustrated still by other people/ the games, which means you haven’t quite fully resolved the narcissist game and how to detach from it. I (honestly) couldn’t care less anymore what my mother says and to whom. If anyone said to me ‘what if she dies.’ (And they have), my immediate response is ‘I’ve made my peace with that.’ No one has a come back to that.

I don’t owe anyone any explanations about my decision. I’m an adult and I know what happened, who she is and I’ve made my choices. Those people who truely care about me and love me? They support me whole heartedly in my decision. Everyone else? Everyone has an opinion, but then everyone has an asshole too. You know your reality, you don’t owe anyone anything.

Free yourself completely from the drama - that’s the best revenge. X

It takes time for some people to recognise the truth right in front of them. Be firm with your boundaries, remain as calm as you can "I'm sorry you feel hurt by this, im just protecting myself" again and again, snipping away at the ties, the connections. Making it clear you're not going to discuss it. You will probably find over time some might come back to you with a different perspective. For now withdraw maybe even say you'll be taking a break for a few months so everyone can adjust. Quietly get on with your life without all of them and recognise your strength and peace without all the drama. Best wishes. It's not easy but it gets easier.

Next time someone shows concern for your dm tell them you're sure they mean well but unless they have your personal experiences they only know one side of the story and you don't want or need their opinion.
OK,they'll probably go away thinking you're unreasonable but does it really matter.

I've gone nc with my bil and if anyone tries to suggest I should forget and move forward they get the sharp end of my tongue.

I think the flying monkeys enjoy the drama. They don’t particularly care whether the things said about you are true: they tell you just so they can sit back and watch, as if you’re a character in a soap opera.

It puts you on the back foot because you feel you need to explain. This is exhausting. If you can get to a point where you don’t care what’s being said about you - because it’s always lies - you start to emerge from the worry of what other people will think. Let them think whatever they want! And don’t engage in regular contact with these manipulative people.

Sending hugs to Op and all who have experienced narcissistic mothers- am not going to use DM because there is no dear in the relationship. I just don't engage at all - even had it at her funeral where strangers to me took a swipe and I used best poker face and was otherwise as charming as I could be to those who were polite.