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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Contact with son

18 replies

cakeyflakey · 02/04/2021 08:22

Looking for some advice because not sure if in being unreasonable or not!

I'm just waiting for my divorce to come through and up until recently my relation with my ex hasn't been too bad. We share our son 50/50. He put me through a lot of trauma mentally and refused to leave the house. Eventually he did after I almost bankrupted myself to help him get a new place. He asked me to get back with him after a few months of him moving out and I said absolutely not and since then things have been strenuous. On the days that he has my son, I stay away and I don't contact him. I give them their time together and even though I miss my son terribly I respect that time they have. However I don't get the same courtesy. He demands to see my son every day when I have him and if not, he turns up at my house. He claims that he just wants to spend time with him and doesn't want him to think he doesn't love him. He's a good dad and I don't dispute how much he cares for him but it's starting to really get on my nerves. My whole days with my son are now revolving around when I can fit his dad in and worrying constantly that he's just going to turn up. I also don't like his dad at my house because it stirs up a lot of resentments for me. If I want to take my son away for a weekend after covid restrictions lift I don't even think he will entertain it! I should also mention that I initiated the divorce and that be has a history of being very controlling.

Am I being unreasonable in not wanting him to see my son every day when he is with me? To me, that's MY time to bond with him and have time with him. He has insinuated a few times that he cares more for him than me because I "don't bother" when he has him but that's not true at all. My heart aches for him but I respectfully give them time together and also I have to work! I don't even know how to deal with this situation at all without sounding like a monster. I attempted to bring it up to him a few weeks ago and he called me afterwards saying that I should be encouraging him to have a good relationship with his son and that most women would appreciate it and also insinuated that I was attempting to sabotage it.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you x

OP posts:

UhtredRagnarson · 02/04/2021 08:26

So you need to start doing the same. Make his contact time your contact time too. Turn up at his house everyday without notice and spend the day with your son. Ignore any requests for you to stop.

maddening · 02/04/2021 08:30

Yanbu at all. I don't know how you can solve it though without making a stand, as he sounds V unreasonable eg you can't argue with stupid. Possibly via court?

How old is ds?

FireflyRainbow · 02/04/2021 08:34

He's still controlling you OP. Don't let it continue.

CloudFormations · 02/04/2021 08:34

I don’t think that is good advice. You need to de-escalate this, not ramp it up.

It doesn’t sound like your ex is going to be amenable to a calm conversation about why you need that time alone with your son, but I think it would be worth having it anyway so that your position has been set out very clearly. Then, every time he turns up thereafter, turn him away at the door and tell him his behaviour is unfair and confusing for your son.

If that doesn’t work, suggest to him that you get contact court-ordered since he isn’t willing or able to respect a private agreement.

If he continues to turn up unannounced, it would be worth considering reporting him to the police for harassment.

Veterinari · 02/04/2021 08:37

@UhtredRagnarson

So you need to start doing the same. Make his contact time your contact time too. Turn up at his house everyday without notice and spend the day with your son. Ignore any requests for you to stop.

No don't do this, it's what he wants.

You need to tell him to stop harassing you, and stalking you and only to communicate (email/text) about your son's care/handover.

If he refuses to do that then contact the police and report him for harassment
Speak to Paladin for advice
Thus is a extension of his attempts to control and harass you, it isn't about contact with your son

Veterinari · 02/04/2021 08:39

paladinservice.co.uk/advice-for-victims/

MazekeenSmith · 02/04/2021 08:41

YANBU.
You need some legal advice here. This is harassment.

BrumBoo · 02/04/2021 08:47

@UhtredRagnarson

So you need to start doing the same. Make his contact time your contact time too. Turn up at his house everyday without notice and spend the day with your son. Ignore any requests for you to stop.

No don't do this, it's what he wants.

Exactly this. He wants to try and play happy families so the op breaks and gets back together with him.

@cakeyflakey you have to be firm about this, as others said it's harassment and control tactics.

Original poster

cakeyflakey · 02/04/2021 09:03

The thing is he will say things like he shouldn't have to suffer not seeing his son every day just because it was me who decided to break up the marriage etc and he lays the guilt on so thick that it makes me feel terrible and I give in to him. I'm also terrified of confrontation with him because he can be so horrible and bullying. I basically have done what he asks because I don't think I can deal with anymore stress but it's getting to the point where I can't maintain it. It is actually affecting the days I have with my son because I spend them in anxiety worrying about his dad.

Thank you for your advice x

OP posts:

MazekeenSmith · 02/04/2021 09:12

It doesn't matter what he says.
You are entitled to peace and quiet to live your life. When you say horrible and bullying what kind of thing do you mean? Is he domestically abusive? You can apply for a non molestation order if so.

Northofsomewhere · 02/04/2021 09:14

Could you block his means of contact (phone number etc) while it's your contact time to prevent the guilt trips? You really need to be strong and take complete control during your contact time. There's no reason I can think of where he would need to contact you during your contact time, maybe even tell him if he doesn't stop you will do this so he has fair warning then follow through. Also tell him if he turns up he won't be allowed in and you'll just move to a different part of the house.

Is your house/garden secure? Could your son be playing in the back garden and your ex gain access? If it's not secure could you make it more secure? I know it's extreme but have you considered moving to an address he doesn't know?

I'd definitely consider send him an email (easier to get down your thoughts and a paper trail) and tell him that your contact time in your contact time, he won't be allowed any access unless it's a special day (birthday/Christmas/etc) and even then it may only be a phone call. He is not to turn up at the house or phone/message you asking for contact and you will do the same on his contact time. Be blunt, get everything out there and create boundaries and stick to them.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 02/04/2021 09:17

50/50 is only fair on parents. All the research indicates that is is hard on kids. Could you live in two houses? Go to court and get a proper agreement.

SionnachGlic · 02/04/2021 09:43

It likely is not about your son, more about controlling you, nosing about & making sure there was no sign of anyone else visiting...in the form of a new man. I had this with an ex. But he wasn't abusive or intimidating, in that I wasn't afraid of him ever. He'd frequently drop by unannounced & hang around on the pretext of seeing son...I used to simmer with resentment but he was relying on my unwillingness to cause a scene in front of our child so he got away with it for a while. And then I started going out when he'd show up...no real explanation, I'd just say I was going for a walk or meeting a friend (no names offered!). I didn't spend any time with him in the house. Or if I was there, I'd go to another room & have long ph conversations or read. It got to the stage where I'd pretty much ignore him...like I'd say 'hello, blah blah... so now that you are here, I'm going out or doing x...'. I knew he didn't come to give me this free time, he wanted me present in his company. It annoyed him that I would just swan off. Other times I'd bring DS out to tea instead of coming straight home or we'd take daytrips at weekends & the odd weekend away...I wouldn't answer my ph if ex called on my weekends. He lived about half hr drive away so he couldn't keep going to & fro checking up all the time. The odd time I left two wine glasses & empty bottle out or threw a man's jacket on the back of a chair when he was dropping son back from his overnights (I had no new relationship)...funnily enough he started reducing his visitations. He wanted to cramp my style & give me very little free time to myself. He even starting taking DS less at weekends. I never ph'd him anytime that my DS wasn't with him, the only time I'd ph would be if I had to tell DS something about sports next day or something important. I never went into his house further than the front door. I kept all contact to absolute minimum. It took a while ...a few months ..but it worked. If he hadn't I would have sent solicitor's letterasking him to stop unscheduled & agreed visits...and gone from there. But didn't need to in the end!

Hankunamatata · 02/04/2021 12:28

Can you arrange for them to face time every evening before bed? Ex to read story over face time? Give him say 30mins a say facetime.

Thelnebriati · 02/04/2021 12:36

Talk to Paladin and Womens Aid to get practical advice and support. He does not have the right to make you live in fear in your own home.

Daydrambeliever · 02/04/2021 12:37

@Calvinlookingforhobbes Can you link to this research please because as someone who works with separated families this is not my experience.

Daydrambeliever · 02/04/2021 12:51

OP - i would echo what others have said. This sounds very much like an excuse to see you. You did not want to see or speak to him everyday so you divorced him - and yet here you are continuing to see and speak to him everyday. Have your contact arrangement formalised if it isn't already by speaking to a solicitor. Have your solicitor also detail the rules of engagement with you - i.e that he has not to come to your home at any time except handovers. If he does this will be regarded as harassment.
Give him a reasonable opportunity to speak to your child during your time for example one phone call half way through the contact time (but only if this is age appropriate). Thousands of people have to come to terms with the fact that they will not spend every day with their child when they separate - his inability to adjust is not your fault or responsibility and he should seek appropriate support in the form of counselling if he struggling with it.

Exhausted4ever · 02/04/2021 13:06

Your time with your son is exactly that, your time. You need to be assertive and tell him its not happening anymore. Its not unreasonable to update him on a night as to how the day's been but that's more than enough
You don't say old your son is?

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