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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU w.r.t children?

23 replies

NotAPanda · 01/04/2021 21:44

That early twenties are too young to know whether you want children or not in the future? If I marry and settle I’d quite like to have children - but I don’t want them so badly that I’d be willing to go it alone. DP has never really thought about it - he’d probably go along with what I wanted.
In any case even if I did have them it wouldn’t be before 28 at least.
This got me thinking ... what happens if you’re in a LTR and one of you suddenly decides you want /sont want children? In that case wouldn’t you need to have a fixed opinion?
Thoughts and experiences please

OP posts:

Original poster

NotAPanda · 01/04/2021 21:46

Also sorry haven’t expressed myself very well - I meant to say ... how young is too young too know? And what happens if you change your mind later on

OP posts:

Orchidflower1 · 01/04/2021 21:50

In my experience people very rarely seem to change from wanting them to not wanting them.
They are more likely ( but don’t always) change from not wanting to wanting but sadly with the three people I know who were in this situation only one was successful in having a child.

What has brought this to your mind?

HamFisted · 01/04/2021 21:51

Some people always want kids, some never want kids, some change their mind. If they change their mind (or don't) and find themselves incompatible with their partner, they either end the relationship or decide to put the relationship first and go along with their least favourite option.

If you decide you don't want kids after you've already had them, you're kind of stuck and the best thing would be to suck it up and stick with it as best you can.

TreeDice · 01/04/2021 21:55

So, my experience:
I got with ex-DP at ages 14 (me) and 16 (him). We'd always said we didn't want kids for various reasons.

We got engaged at 23 and 25 and booked a venue. In the meantime, he changed his mind and decided wanting kids was a deal breaker for him.

We separated after 10 years.

Megan2018 · 01/04/2021 21:58

I didn’t want any children, met DH at 35 and we married not planning children. I had a change of heart at 39 and we decided half-heartedly to try. We conceived easily when I was 40.
DH was a bit on the fence but fortunately was happy to try. I think if he hadn’t we’d have been fine and happy childless. I just had a sudden “itch”.

Original poster

NotAPanda · 01/04/2021 22:00

@Orchidflower1 just things like Women’s Day and the impact on a career.
I’m very career oriented and would find it difficult to accept doing the majority of child related work. So if my partner was less than enthusiastic and I didn’t earn enough to outsource I’d just not bother. Unlike other people on here who have dumped their OH’s and gone it alone etc. Or just become the default parent.
It’s strange because it seems like such a binary choice but I only want them if circumstances suit?
Also autistic and ADHD if that helps so in the back of my mind there’s there worry - what if the kids inherit this from me 😂

OP posts:

CatherinedeBourgh · 01/04/2021 22:01

When we were in our 20s and people asked us about children (we married young) I always said ‘In 5 years’ time’. After 10 years of this people did start to comment...

I wasn’t sure I’d ever want dc, dh did want them but only with me so he would just accept whatever I wanted, so it was never going to be make or break for us anyway.

Returnoftheowl · 01/04/2021 22:05

I have always been certain I don't want children. DH didn't mind either way and said it was up to me.

AnnaSW1 · 01/04/2021 22:07

I've always known I wanted them

Babyfg · 01/04/2021 22:26

I've always known I wanted children.

My partner apparently before me never wanted children. We discussed it early in the relationship and as far as I was aware he wanted children in the future. It came out later that he split with his previous girlfriend because she wanted children and he didn't (I'd say that was only one reason though). When I asked him he said he couldn't imagine children with her but could with me. We have three children now and he was the one to start the conversation about ttc.

So I think people do change depending on circumstances and who they're with. Also there's a big change in your outlook when you compare being in your early twenties and thirties. I'm definitely a different person with different views from when I was 20. That doesn't mean you'll want kids at all just that you might change your views on things in general.

Hankunamatata · 01/04/2021 22:31

I guess it's easier if you know. I always knew I wanted kids and so did dh. When we nearly split up on a rough patch pre kids one of the feelings was I terror that I wouldn't find anyone else and have a family

SimonJT · 01/04/2021 22:36

I never thought about it, it hadn’t crossed my mind at all, when I was in my first relationship it wasn’t something that was ever discussed by either of us.

I am now a parent, I was in a relationship when I became a parent, he didn’t want children and he has a career that wouldn’t be suitable for a LAC child so we ended our relationship (in family adoption).

I wouldn’t have a relationship with someone who didn’t want children as I would like another child and I want my son to have a sibling.

Thinking of my own friends those who wanted children from being early twenties have either all had them or on their way to, the ones who said no at that age are still happy with their no and sticking to it.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 01/04/2021 22:41

I've always known I wanted children, and I knew I wanted to have them young. My mum was considered and older mum when she had me, she was 32 😂. She was the oldest out of all my friends mums (for some reason parents ages were brought up a lot when I was at school . It gave me a lot of anxiety about my mum dying).
I had my first at 18 (didn't really plan for it to happen quite that young, but shit happens). I got together with a guy I went to school with, when ds was about 2. We were together for 2 years when he eventually told me he didn't want kids. I had just assumed he did because he was with someone who had a child already, and he was great with him. I knew I wanted more so I ended it. He apparently changed his mind about a month later, and decided he did want them, but to be honest I was over it, and thought he was just saying it to get back together. I met dp about 8 months later, we now have 2 more, that ex married but doesn't have any kids.
I also had an ex before dp who was always trying to convince me to have children with him. I didn't like that either so ended that relationship too (and for a few other reasons).

Fauvist · 01/04/2021 22:47

I definitely did not want children in my early twenties. I was the oldest of four and sick of babies and toddlers.

Changed my mind late twenties, had a baby mid-thirties (once I'd found someone reliable to have one with).

indemMUND · 01/04/2021 22:48

I wanted many, and to get married. From early teens. I ended up with one child, single parent from the age of 22, awful relationship and a deadbeat absent other parent. I was a fool to put him on the BC. 9 years down the line I'd have loved another (two miscarriages of much wanted babies since, several years ago). But at this point I'm not considering doing it all again on my own even if I was lucky enough to be able to maintain a pregnancy. I just don't have it in me. I'll always regret what could have been, in an ideal world.

JackieTheFart · 01/04/2021 22:56

How old are you?

My plan as a teen was to be a dancer and then maybe settle down and start a family at around 30. Literally 30 was my target age, for no other reason I think than it seemed grown up to me - I didn't know about the plasticity of the brain up to age 25 at that point. I'm not sure if I ever really thought about it too deeply or if I felt I 'should' want a family? It definitely wasn't something I thought about too often.

However, at age 26, in a settled relationship, I suddenly just wanted a baby. It was such a need, I really can't explain it. It was all I could think of.

Crabbypaddy · 01/04/2021 23:20

I had two younger brothers who constantly cried so was adamant I didn’t want kids...fell pregnant at 18 had my daughter who is now 9 and for years was adamant 1 was enough. Fell pregnant, again not planned lol, and had my son who is 8 months old. Couldn’t imagine life without them! No more though, mean it this time haha

Hilarias · 02/04/2021 08:06

DH was always ambivalent about kids. I knew I wanted them so was prepared to leave him if it came to it. However he absolutely doted on his nieces, nephews, godchildren and was frankly amazing with them, so I just waited (we had time, we were young). Eventually we got to mid-30s and it was make or break. Amazing how awkward a conversation about something so important can be even when you’ve been together for years and years! We have DS now and stopping with one. DH as great a dad as I’d expected. I would still have gone it alone if he’d not come round though. Work out how much time you’ve got, how important this is to you, and to him.

georgarina · 02/04/2021 08:10

Always wanted kids right from when I was very young, 3-4 years old. Was in a relationship and dp didn't want them, kept saying 'in 5 years', then it changed to 'in 10 years.'

We ended it and I did it myself, kids and I are a very happy family.

TheGoogleMum · 02/04/2021 08:29

I think before you try for kids you set out expectations of other parent. So we always planned to be as equal as we could (we both cut our working hours the same amount for example). My DH before we were married said he maybe wanted just one kid one day but he didn't feel too strongly about it. I wanted 5 at one point! Now we have 1 and I'm not sure about more (he doesn't feel strongly, says he'll have another if I want to but doesn't particularly want to himself). Not feeling strongly about does at elastic mean it probably won't be a deal breaker

Grumblesigh · 02/04/2021 08:38

Honestly? This one is not worth worrying about, as neither of you have fixed ideas on dc.

If one day, one of you decides s/he wants dc, and the other does not, then that will likely break you up. Sorry to say. But it's a massively different life, having dc or not having them, and neither of you should compromise on that issue.

There is nothing you can do about it now, so just work on your career and enjoy your relationship and check in with each other about this issue every so often.

Sceptre86 · 02/04/2021 09:28

I have always known I wanted kids but I knew I wanted to go to college, uni and get a good career before I had them, so that is what I did. When I met dh I was quite clear that I wanted kids at some point in my life and if he wasn't on board, fair enough. Thankfully he wanted them as much as me but as lovely as he is, if he hadn't, the relationship would have been over before it started. I had dd at 29, ds at 30 and at 34 am expecting my last baby.

CounsellorTroi · 02/04/2021 09:44

I always wanted children and when I met DH he was happy to try. However we had fertility issues and never had any despite IVF etc. We got through that period of our lives, with the help of dogs, and we are very happy together. What I’m saying, I suppose, is that neither of us wanted children more than we wanted to be with each other.

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