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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can’t seem to be friends with males!

42 replies

Opal93 · 01/04/2021 11:02

So I’ve had a good friendship with a guy for over a year and we are both married. I always had the impression he was happy with his wife but recently he told me he couldn’t be friends with me anymore as he has developed big feelings for me. They are in no way reciprocated and I really don’t think I did anything to lead him on accidentally. Thing is, it’s not the first time it’s happened. Every single male friend I’ve ever had has ended in this situation, and the friendships haven’t survived it. In fact the only male friend I have left is gay so it’s not going to happen with him. I’m not flirtatious or tactile and I make it abundantly clear I love my DH, so I don’t think I am doing anything to lead them on and mutual friends and even my DH has verified this. I also don’t think I’m anything special looks wise. I don’t know where I’m going wrong. AIBU to think that for some straight men it’s impossible to be platonic friends with a woman?

OP posts:

ILoveShula · 01/04/2021 15:32

Not a single one has EVER made any move on me

but maybe two or three have made a move on others.

I'm not projecting, I just know what I have seen and what I have read on here. The affair partner is often a friend, or a colleague, or a hobby friend.

Frownette · 01/04/2021 16:14

It makes you feel a bit devalued when it happens.

I find it gets more difficult as you get older. I recently got sent a sexual text by a friend (about me and another mutual.friend) and broke contact with him as he refused to understand why I was upset/apologise. I miss talking to him, but...

Buffaloskull · 01/04/2021 16:32

I had lots of male friends when I was with my ex, well, they were OUR mutual friends.
Wasnt until we split up that 3 of them made it clear how they actually felt about me..
I remember feeling so stupid one time, I had gone to see one of these friends, at his cottage out in the middle of no where, for a catch up and a drink (😶 yeah I know.. how naive. But to me he WAS just my friend.) and after a few drinks he was trying to get me to lie on the sofa with him "for a cuddle" wtf!? 🤢 of course I said no but it made the rest of the visit very awkward before I could leave the next day.. he turned quite nasty actually. I'm not friends with him anymore.

IEat · 01/04/2021 16:52

Complete opposite fir me not one of male friends over the years have ever shown or hinted they wanted more. Maybe I’m just an ugly bug

Picklypickles · 01/04/2021 16:59

I don't have any male friends now. One of my oldest friends, who I'd been friends with since we were 7 was the first to decide his feelings for me had changed when we were around 16/17 and when I (very gently) turned him down he got very nasty with me, called me all the names under the sun, ignored me for months on end and would sit with his friends whispering and looking over at me and laughing etc. He eventually apologised and our friendship resumed and then a few months later he did the exact same thing again. It's one of the most hurtful things that anyone has done to me, such a good friend for such a long time was such a POS.

Since then I've had male friends I've met through work who have eventually tried to take the friendship further and I've had friends of boyfriends coming on to me in the past.

I'm short, stumpy and scruffy and definitely not super attractive or anything.

BatInTheHat · 01/04/2021 16:59

One of the most depressing things from my recent divorce is the number of men who I thought were friends (including the husbands/partners of friends of many years’ standing) who have tried to hit on me.

This is not a stealth boast. I am a self confessed overweight middle aged frump in my mid 50s.

I really don’t understand it. Why are these men such sleaze bags? Do they really think newly single women are up for anything?

For this reason alone I am friends with three lovely gay men but I otherwise live a man free existence outside of work and avoid socialising with mixed sex couples whenever possible.

ILoveShula · 01/04/2021 17:13

There are two types: the opportunistic ones and the ones who are 'in love' with you.
Ugh!

stackemhigh · 01/04/2021 17:18

YANBU, my only male friends now are gay.

I get very comfortable when male friends flirt, even when they're tipsy/drunk.

Puts me right off. I think some women can brush off the come-on and keep the friendship going.

stackemhigh · 01/04/2021 17:18

*uncomfortable not comfortable!

VettiyaIruken · 01/04/2021 17:25

There are some men who just will always take a shot. It's not about how attractive you are (although I'm sure you're perfectly fine) it's about them and their mentality.

It's sad to see women getting nasty with other women rather than seeing it for what it is. Those men who just always have to chance their arm. If you are friendly that means you're gagging for it. 🙄

CaesarsDream · 01/04/2021 17:35

Yep. I've had my share of creeps. Block, delete, NC all the way!

colouringindoors · 01/04/2021 17:52

Me too! And it's really annoying as I really enjoy male company (grew up with dad and brother mainly) and begore I was married about half my friends were men. But the men I've become friends with have in the end, tried it on.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/04/2021 22:08

I have a lot of male friends over the years. Yes some have tried it on through the majority havent. The ones that have tried it on though have also, despite being married or with someone, also tried it on with other people. Numerous other people in some cases. So its definitely not anything that I've done, it's just that some men (and some women I know) try and use any opportunity to cheat on their partner. And others are completely respectful and wouldn't dream of considering it.

Also, your friend doesn't sound like he has done anything wrong. He has been honest and taken steps to remove himself from the situation to work on his relationship (unless you think he has told you in the hope you would reciprocate). I don't think that counts as trying it on with you.

Original poster

Opal93 · 01/04/2021 22:14

“Also, your friend doesn't sound like he has done anything wrong. He has been honest and taken steps to remove himself from the situation to work on his relationship (unless you think he has told you in the hope you would reciprocate). I don't think that counts as trying it on with you” in this case with this particular friend no, he hasn’t, and didn’t “try it on” but it’s just such a bummer that it means a friendship I valued had to end yet again! I will miss the friendship although I guess I do appreciate his honesty

OP posts:

LilMidge01 · 01/04/2021 22:18

Sorry you've had trouble making friends. Is that literally what this thread is about? How may times can it be said....one person's experience is one person's experience..

partyatthepalace · 01/04/2021 22:31

Certainly had this when I was a student and in shaggy 20s early 30s etc, but not as an adult no - have lots of male friends with no sex in site. I think there is one friend who is also an occasional colleague probably has a bit of a thing for me, but it's just something that's in the ether, he'd never act on or mention it.

OP - Do you have a social group where it's unusual for men and women to be friends / where people tend to marry young kind of thing?

NinthCircle · 01/04/2021 22:43

@LilMidge01

Sorry you've had trouble making friends. Is that literally what this thread is about? How may times can it be said....one person's experience is one person's experience..

Absolutely. I’ve never had this issue with my male friends, but that doesn’t mean I discount other people’s different experiences.

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