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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect more from DD dad?

24 replies

gdrcclmn · 31/03/2021 17:14

Been separated from ex for over 2 years now, we have 5 year old DD.

He has her every weekend from Saturday afternoon until Monday morning so I appreciate that's more than most children who only get EOW.

But honestly I keep expecting more. He has an extra day off work this weekend, so could have DD 3 days, knowing she'll be at home for 2.5 weeks for Easter. Instead he's arranged to have mates round.

He had a week off work a month or so ago, when schools were still closed. I'm self employed and work from home and have been doing homeschooling completely alone, and he had DD one extra day for his entire week off.

This year is the first year I've suggested him take some time off work during the summer holidays, just 1 week but I can already see that not happening too.

AIBU to expect more from him?

OP posts:

MsVestibule · 31/03/2021 17:18

Do you have a formal agreement WRT how much time she spends at his house? Does he expect you to cover the full 13 weeks school holidays? Do you work?

Naunet · 31/03/2021 17:20

Not unreasonable at all, he’s her parent just as much as you are, and that should mean he’s just as involved as you are, but society lets men off the hook it seems. It’s probably better for your own mental health to just accept that he’s not a great dad, and this is all he’s going to offer.

Original poster

gdrcclmn · 31/03/2021 17:22

We don't have a formal agreement, I'm self employed and work from home so attempt to work around DD as much as possible. I would usually do all 13 weeks of the holidays, I have since separating anyway. The only time we've halved childcare fully is when he was furloughed due to Covid last year for a month or so.

OP posts:

Original poster

gdrcclmn · 31/03/2021 17:23

@Naunet

Naunet yes I agree really, I'm still trying to work on that after 2 years

He was an extremely controlling, narcissistic partner so I'm sure this is part of his way of still having control, he sees him having DD as me getting "time off" rather than actually spending valuable time with her.

OP posts:

stackemhigh · 31/03/2021 17:28

Aw, thought there was an update.

stackemhigh · 31/03/2021 17:29

Sorry wrong thread, website playing up

SleepingStandingUp · 31/03/2021 17:30

If you haven't asked yet can you approach it as "I'm sure you'll want to go away / have DD for a chunk over summer, what dates were you thinkin?

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 31/03/2021 17:43

Do you not mind him having her every single weekend? I'd hate that. But he should step up in the holidays.

Would he pay for some holiday clubs for her?

LatentPhase · 31/03/2021 17:52

Ah, yes, shit dads. I think it’s irritating in a whole fresh new way once you separate.

It’s better than being in a relationship with him, obvs, but still irritating.

Of course because he’s got a penis the world looks at him as a ‘great dad’ and ‘involved Dad’ for doing so very little.

I imagine your dd will grow up to be like mine. My dd is about to turn 18 and has a (healthy and approate) take-it-or-leave-it attitude to her dad. A result of exactly this sort of light-touch parenting.

JagerPlease · 31/03/2021 18:07

Seems like an odd arrangement to me, and barring the period of homeschooling, he probably actually has her for a similar number of waking hours to you. If he works Monday to Friday and then has her every weekend, I think it's fairly reasonable that he has a day off to himself sometimes!

SleepingStandingUp · 31/03/2021 18:15

@JagerPlease

Agree re waking hours in term time but op will also be doing all as hoc training days, sick days, bubble burst weeks and 13 weeks of school holidays

Graphista · 31/03/2021 18:28

Yanbu

But I think maybe naive and unrealistic? He's made it clear he's not really interested in having dd more than he "has" to

I think you need to be prepared for the likelihood/at least possibility that he may gradually remove himself from her life altogether

Very common pattern

he sees him having DD as me getting "time off" rather than actually spending valuable time with her.

Yea, I don't think he's really interested in being her dad unfortunately - his loss

Original poster

gdrcclmn · 31/03/2021 18:41

Sorry didn't make it clear in OP - he has her Saturday afternoon because I make sure we go out in the morning so she is probably at his by 4pm. And she's one of those annoying children that really doesn't need that much sleep so she's only in bed by 8.30 most nights. I reckon we probably get 2 hours together on school mornings and 5-6 in evenings.

Definitely wouldn't pay for holiday clubs, as I'm self employed he just sees me as available 24/7. I've asked about summer and he's just said he'll see, which usually from him is a no.

I know he obviously needs some days off to himself but I dunno, if I only saw my child 2 days a week I'd be desperate to see them more often.

OP posts:

Completelyfrozen · 31/03/2021 20:19

In an ideal world, what would you like OP?

willowmelangell · 31/03/2021 20:38

Maybe email summer school holiday dates with a 'What week/s would you like with dd?
Then you will know where you stand for sure.

Brefugee · 31/03/2021 20:40

I wouldn't like your arrangement - either you never get your DD for weekends so you have to do all the school stuff and no fun time, and her dad never gets to have a weekend with his mates or whatever to do grown up stuff.

Get it organised properly, in court.

Longdistance · 31/03/2021 20:40

That’s very sad that he doesn’t want to spend that extra day with his dd. Hmm, maybe that’s why he’s an ex?

LouiseTrees · 31/03/2021 20:44

Has your DD ever asked you why he doesn’t want to see her more? She’s getting to that age she might ask

Original poster

gdrcclmn · 01/04/2021 12:19

@Completelyfrozen

In an ideal world, what would you like OP?

I suppose i'd just like some enthusiasm from him really. He never asks about her during the week, barely ever calls, if she has anything going on it's me who plans it all. Pre covid he took his new girlfriend on 3 mini breaks and can't even take DD to the park. There's just an absolute lack of any interest from him and considering what a hero DD thinks he is, it makes me really sad.

OP posts:

RunningFromInsanity · 01/04/2021 12:38

Have you asked him? Maybe he thinks you wouldn’t let him have extra days?

Original poster

gdrcclmn · 01/04/2021 12:50

@RunningFromInsanity

Have you asked him? Maybe he thinks you wouldn’t let him have extra days?

No he definitely knows, we've argued about it quite a few times when I think he isn't putting in enough effort. Just seems like that's the way it's going to be unfortunately.

OP posts:

Zoinksalot · 01/04/2021 13:01

Definitely don't think it's fair for either of you. He doesn't get a weekend to himself which isn't nice and you can't spend days off school with your dd and do fun activities.

You need to make a better agreement

Troublewaters2021 · 01/04/2021 13:39

Hmm difficult as I can see why he would want some time off to himself. At the moment he works during week ? Has daughter weekends.
Then you work during week have week ends spare. Think a change would be good all round

RandomMess · 01/04/2021 14:30

I think he has her weekly like that to stop you have a weekend off and able to go away etc.

I would go with EOW and half school holidays...

When do you get to go away for a weekend either with or without DD?

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