silly question about socialising

[medebourne]

I'm going to come across as rather childlike and indecisive (I'm 50 btw!) but I've never been good at negotiating social situations and have got completely out of the habit over the last year.

A friend has invited a group of 6 of us to have a get together in one of her fields (we are rural). She's asked everyone to come at 4pm so she can unlock the gate. The walk from the gate to the picnic spot is quite long (about 10 mins) so we all need to be there on time.

When we first arranged the gathering I said I would be working until 5 and would come after that, I didn't realise the gate would need to be unlocked. Obviously I can't get there by 4. I don't know whether to ask her to walk back to the gate which will inconvenience her quite a bit and will be annoying for her to walk for 20 minutes after having sat down with a glass of prosecco for an hour before, or say I can't come, or cancel work which will mean pissing off my client and losing money.

The gate is too high to climb.

Really sorry I didn't notice this was AIBU!!

I don't really want to know if ABU, just some advice please!

Send her a message saying sorry but as you're working till 5 you'll leave them to it but looking forward to seeing them another time?

If it were me I'd send something along the lines of...

"I'm afraid I can't make it until 5 so I'll have to give it a miss this time 😔. Have a lovely time though and I'll see you next time for sure!"

If someone wants to opt into the 20 minute round trip then they can. But if they don't then it doesn't put anyone on the spot.

Or ask her if she’s able to leave the key in a hidden location at the gate.

Can't you just climb over the gate when you get there? Or ask her to hide the key somewhere for you?

I'd just say I was sorry, but the due to work I couldn't get there until 5:30 (or whatever) so could she leave the gate unlocked/have someone let me in or I'd sit this one out.

It really doesn't need to be a big deal 💐

Just explain that you're working until 5 which might make it difficult for you to join the group if the gate needs unlocking, so maybe you will have to bow out. The host can then offer to come back to the gate for you or make a different arrangement if they want to.

Agree with others. Just say that you won't be able to make it until 5 pm, so not feasible, but thank you for the invitation. She might offer to walk back to get you at 5. I would.

I think you’re massively overthinking this. Just tell her you wouldn’t be able to get there until 5, if that’s manageable for her re the gate great, if not you’ll have to miss this one.

Thanks for the replies. I don't want to put her on the spot so that she has to walk back. The gate is definitely too high to climb.

For sure I'm overthinking it. That's what I'm like unfortunately, and that's why I'm asking this silly question which most of you would be able to decide on easily.

Could the gate be left unlocked for the short time then you lock it after you?

I think you’re massively overthinking this. Just tell her you wouldn’t be able to get there until 5, if that’s manageable for her re the gate great, if not you’ll have to miss this one.

This. If I were here I would come and let you in the gate at 5. By explaining the situation you aren't just turning up late unannounced, which would be rude.

'Sounds lovely. Unfortunately I wouldn’t be able to get there until five. If you'd be OK to come and let me in, great, otherwise I’ll have to give this one a miss.'

The thing is, if I tell her I can't come until later it means she has to offer to walk back to the gate. I don't want to force her to do that as it will spoil her relaxed evening.

@medebourne

The thing is, if I tell her I can't come until later it means she has to offer to walk back to the gate. I don't want to force her to do that as it will spoil her relaxed evening.

I'm sure she wouldn't mind though. If not, ask if she can hide the key somewhere so you can grab it when you arrive.

Thanks for the replies. For various good reasons the key can't be left anywhere (it's difficult to explain why without giving identifying details-I know two of the people in the group are on MN).

When we first discussed the gathering on whatsapp I said I would be working at that time but she went ahead and decided to meet then. So I think perhaps she's not that bothered if I come or not and that is why I am particularly reluctant to put her in the position of having to walk back and let me in later.

Is there a way of saying 'thanks, but as I mentioned before I will be working' without her needing to offer to let me in?

Once again, yes I know normal adults know what to do in situations like this and I am over thinking it.

Is there a way of saying 'thanks, but as I mentioned before I will be working' without her needing to offer to let me in?

Lots of people have given you a suggestion already for this?

This is what I suggested...
"I'm afraid I can't make it until so I'll have to give it a miss this time 😔. Have a lovely time though and I'll see you next time for sure!"

There's no obligation for anyone to offer to come and fetch you. If they do offer then it's completely by choice and cause they want to do it.

Is there a way of saying “thanks, but as I mentioned before I will be working”

Well don’t say it like that, the “as I mentioned” seems a bit rude. 🙂 Plenty of good wordings have been provided already. Based on all your updates, you need to say that you can’t make it but look forward to catching up another time, that way it won’t look like you are angling for her to make the twenty minute walk to let you in, which does sound like a bit of a pain.