To think I'm selfish

[BLTLover]

So apparently according to colleagues and friends I'm easy going etc but I'm realising I've got a selfish side. I feel resentful if I've got to do a favour for someone or put myself out. When I was married I almost kept a tally of my resentments including having to entertain MIL three times a week when she called round unannounced. I tried to be more tolerant but it drove me mad. Am I horrible?

On the plus side you sound very self aware. Which is a trait many people don’t possess. So instead of focussing on your selfishness, you could pat yourself on the back for that

I think most people have a selfish side but some hide it better than others. Better to acknowledge you're feeling these things and be aware of it.

I wouldn’t say it’s selfish to resent having your MIL drop in unannounced three times a week, I’d say it’s sane. Not always putting other people’s needs ahead of your own is not a bad thing.

Based on what you have said here I would say you sound diplomatic and chilled but with decent boundaries.

There is nothing wrong on being selfish a bit. If anything it's needed. Everything is needed in some amount. Happiness, sadness, anger, selfishness, helpfulness.
There is nkt a person on a planet who wouldn't be bit selfish.

However, keeping tally is ridiculous and it will eat away so just learn to say no sometimes

I think alot of people feel that way. But you're aware of that which I think people struggle to do, to recognise how they feel and try to understand if they're justified to feel that way.

I'd not be letting my MIL turn up unannounced 3 times a week though so you're nicer than me!

Do you know when to say no? That could be driving your resentment. Someone hands you a fiver and says "while you're at the shop could you grab me a tuna mayo sandwich and a bottle of diet coke please?" Yep sure, reasonable favour. Bank Holiday weekend and someone asks "could you drive me to the airport 3 hrs away at 6am please?" Nope. Not a reasonable favour.

Why do you feel this way?look further into yourself before attaching a label to emotions that might spring from somewhere else.

If my MIL dropped round unannounced three times a week and I had to entertain her, I'd be extremely (and vocally) pissed off about it. You're not selfish to find that trying!

I'm like this at times. Im also internally jealous of friends when something good happens for them. I bury it deep and squash the feelings.

OP you are not horrible. The fact that you're even aware of those "negative" feelings or even questioning whether or not you're horrible says to me that you're not selfish or resentful or horrible.

It's perfectly fine and valid to feel these things, I think everyone does at some point as long as these feelings don't become a personality trait. The key difference is this: most people feel resentment and they move on eventually. Others feel resentment towards most people regardless of the circumstances. These are usually the most balanced people because they've got a chip on both shoulders

If I were you, I would look at why you can feel like this and if it stems from your marriage? Anyone would be pissed off with a MIL arriving unannounced several times a week but in terms of the running tally, where there other situations where your former spouse made you feel horrible for harbouring genuine feelings of resentment? In that case it may be the puppy-newspaper-slap, as in: the puppy pees on the floor, the (awful) owner slaps it on the nose with a newspaper & puppy learns not to do that not because they understand the problem but because they get slapped for it.

Could it be the case that you felt these genuine feelings & instead of responding appropriately, your former spouse reacted negatively and therefore your brain has trained itself to feel shame and negativity around instances of feeling put upon etc.?

Of course this may not be the case for you at all but I think it's always fair to wonder if we are the arseholes or if we are just surrounded by arseholes...

what you are doing wrong is being resentful, and keeping a "tally" of resentment.

You don't have to be a doormat to be popular, it's much healthier to be assertive, politely and reasonably decline to do something for others when not convenient.

Look around you, are people that bothered about not being so "easy going"? I bet they aren't.

People tend to call you selfish when you're good at maintaining boundaries and not being a people pleaser.

So wear your 'selfish' badge with pride.

Better to be slightly selfish and have boundaries than to be completely selfless and have people treat you like a complete doormat.

If my mil took to popping in unannounced three times a week I would pretend I was out so you are clearly much more selfless than I am.

I think as a pp said, you just have strong boundaries and you shouldn’t feel bad about that.

I'd hate to wake up and find I'd become a people-pleaser overnight!

Sorry just revisiting this. Thanks for the replies. My ex always made me feel guilty i didnt want to entertain his mother when I had a newborn. He was always moaning and it wore me down! I had an empty cup as they say but he didnt give a shite as his needs were met

I'm sure most people feel this way about doing something they don't choose to do.
If you are selfish, so what?
I am and I'm not well loved as I'm showing it more as I near my 50s but I am what I am.
I fear it may cause my ltr to end though. I'm just not rolling over anymore. I'll probably lose my job as well for the same reason. Oh well.