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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was sexual assault?

41 replies

Opal93 · 30/03/2021 22:14

A close male friend of mine had an experience aged 14 which, if the other way round would definitely be considered assault. He was with a girl who kept trying to pressure him to have sex with her and he didn’t want to. He felt he just wasn’t ready. She pushed and pushed and kept saying it’s because I’m ugly and then wanted her to let him perform oral sex on him. She went on and on, saying if he didn’t think she was ugly he would let her and, he gave in and let her. He says he always regretted the experience as he just wasn’t ready but it’s had a lasting effect on him as he feels angry when he thinks about it and it has always put him off oral sex even to this day and he is 30. I think if he had been female this would definitely be considered sexual assault. Would you agree that this experience would count as sexual assault?

OP posts:
Charley1984 · 31/03/2021 20:55

Regretting a sexual experience or feeling you made a bad decision can happen but you have to take responsibility for your own actions. He could have avoided seeing her
Don’t you just love victim blaming?
Yes it’s assault, pressuring until an unwilling party until they give in doesn’t make it consensual

Pumperthepumper · 31/03/2021 21:01

@Opal93

“So is the point of this thread to get some advice to show your friend? Or is it to have a conversation about the horrible effect toxic masculinity has on society?” I wouldn’t actually bring this up with my friend unless he wanted to talk about it. It was more because when he first told me the story, I immediately thought sexual assault, and just wanted to see if others would agree ( I don’t want to ask anyone IRL as this is deeply personal and he told me in confidence and I wouldn’t want anyone figuring out who I’m talking about) And I wanted to see if others felt I was right from coming to that conclusion. Because some people don’t consider this assault, but I think many people would think differently if genders were reversed
And what do you think of the replies? Do you think people would say differently if your friend was female?
Original poster
Opal93 · 31/03/2021 21:02

“ I have had men pester for things and said no and dealt with their withdrawal or disappointment. Maybe you feel a bit bad for disappointing them at the time. Regretting a sexual experience or feeling you made a bad decision can happen but you have to take responsibility for your own actions.” I do admire that you have been strong enough to stick to your guns, and tell these men no when they have pestered, but sadly some women or men who have very low self esteem may give in to this badgering and end up feeling bullied into it. This is not true consent as it was achieved by bullying and pestering. I do agree that if you 100% consented to sex at the time and regretted it later that that is on the individual and they do need to take responsibility for their actions in that scenario, but consenting because you were “pestered” is never ok

OP posts:
Original poster
Opal93 · 31/03/2021 21:08

And what do you think of the replies? Do you think people would say differently if your friend was female? The replies are interesting because a lot of it is what he says to himself. “ I should have said no, I shouldn’t have let her pressure me, I could have just avoided her, she didn’t threaten me” and he is angry at himself for it. I do think possibly more people would be quick to agree that it was sexual assault if the question was about a female being made feel guilt and pressure into doing a sex act

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 31/03/2021 21:16

@Opal93

And what do you think of the replies? Do you think people would say differently if your friend was female? The replies are interesting because a lot of it is what he says to himself. “ I should have said no, I shouldn’t have let her pressure me, I could have just avoided her, she didn’t threaten me” and he is angry at himself for it. I do think possibly more people would be quick to agree that it was sexual assault if the question was about a female being made feel guilt and pressure into doing a sex act
Why do you feel that? And why is it so important that distinction is made?
Original poster
Opal93 · 31/03/2021 21:24

Why do you feel that? And why is it so important that distinction is made?
I do feel it’s important the distinction is made because support for victims is largely focused on women and it is often overlooked that women can be perpetrators of sexual violence too. In situations where it’s a mans word against a woman’s many people will believe the woman

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 31/03/2021 21:27

@Opal93

Why do you feel that? And why is it so important that distinction is made? I do feel it’s important the distinction is made because support for victims is largely focused on women and it is often overlooked that women can be perpetrators of sexual violence too. In situations where it’s a mans word against a woman’s many people will believe the woman
Why do you think that is?
Wrenna · 31/03/2021 21:31

This happened to me but I was older. It was an ex-boyfriend (he had broken it off). About a year later he asked me out to dinner as friends, then badgered me into having sex with him. I finally relented and did but felt awful about it afterwards and left right after. I’m still angry about it to this day, but I didn’t/don’t consider it abuse. I agreed. But it definitely was harassment, taking advantage of someone feeling vulnerable, shitty and wrong. But not actual abuse.

Wrenna · 31/03/2021 21:32

That should be abuse yes, assault no.

KilljoysDutch · 31/03/2021 21:33

Amateur psychiatric hour on here.

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/sexual-coercion

"Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens after being pressured in nonphysical ways that include:1

Being worn down by someone who repeatedly asks for sex
Being lied to or being promised things that weren’t true to trick you into having sex
Having someone threaten to end a relationship or spread rumors about you if you don’t have sex with them
Having an authority figure, like a boss, property manager, loan officer, or professor, use their influence or authority to pressure you into having sex"

SnackSizeRaisin · 31/03/2021 21:37

Don’t you just love victim blaming? Yes it’s assault, pressuring until an unwilling party until they give in doesn’t make it consensual

Obviously it depends on the amount of pressure and the circumstances. But assuming these are 2 ordinary teenagers, from normal backgrounds, a bit of peer pressure is kind of normal. I don't see him as a victim here. He made the decision to consent, presumably because he felt guilty or didn't want the girl to be grumpy with him. He was not forced or threatened. On the other hand he is completely entitled to regret what happened and to wish it hadn't happened. Many people do regret things they did as youngsters.

SnackSizeRaisin · 31/03/2021 22:12

consenting because you were “pestered” is never ok
I agree it's not ideal. Nor is it a respectful way to treat someone. But I don't think it's as bad as assault. And teenagers often do persuade each other to do things.
We live surrounded by imperfect people who may try to get us to do things we don't want. I just don't think it's helpful to cry victim every time. Someone moaning at you doesn't mean you have to do what they want. You can say no, and walk away (in this situation anyway).
Assault to me would be if the girl touched him without consent or waited until he was too drunk to refuse. Harassment would be repeatedly asking on multiple occasions after he declined further contact. Coercion would be making threats. But I don't really think that what this girl was reportedly saying would come under any of those. And he wouldn't have felt physically at risk if he said no.

thatwasme22 · 01/04/2021 15:13

''Maybe the girl in ? Was abused and wanted to let someone know in a way she couldn't put into words.''

FFS. Yea and if genders were reversed here there would be nobody saying 'maybe the boy was abused'.

Pumperthepumper · 01/04/2021 18:47

@thatwasme22

''Maybe the girl in ? Was abused and wanted to let someone know in a way she couldn't put into words.''

FFS. Yea and if genders were reversed here there would be nobody saying 'maybe the boy was abused'.

Why is it so important to you the genders were reversed? You’ve already proved you don’t care about ‘sexism against men’ enough to challenge it.
Dejamd · 01/04/2021 19:22

@Pumperthepumper oh my goodness, why are you interrogating people on this thread?

Pumperthepumper · 01/04/2021 19:25

[quote Dejamd]@Pumperthepumper oh my goodness, why are you interrogating people on this thread?[/quote]
Am I? I’m interested to why so many people care more about imaginary scenarios rather than the one presented on the thread.

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