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I've screwed up haven't i?

9 replies

PineappleCat · 30/03/2021 21:16

I have a friend who I value a lot, I thought she understood my social awkwardness and quirks (I have autism along with pretty bad mental health so can be quite hard to cope with at times when it's not under control!)

I've been avoiding her for about a month, I just can't cope with people out of my immediate family right now. I tired to my best ability to explain this to her. It's coming up to the anniversary of my child's death and same time, every year I become unwell and push people away. I don't know why, I just do.

This friend has increasingly got more and more blunt with me, ignoring messages, you know the drill etc, saying she wants to give me space which of course what I needed but I think she's angry and upset I've pushed her away.

Do I ask if I've offended her and risk an argument that could put me on edge more or just leave it? It's a few days off my child's anniversary and my emotions are so all over the place i don't know wether it's me just hyper focusing on something I shouldn't be if this makes any sense! I really value her as a friend and I'm horrified I may of made her feel this way.

Please be kind my autism makes it hard for me to understand other people's emotions at times.

OP posts:

CloudFormations · 30/03/2021 21:20

I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers

I wouldn’t do anything at this time, when emotions are high and you’re struggling. It sounds like she maybe is trying to give you what you need, so I would try not to second guess that.

Once you’re feeling a little better you can get back in touch and see how things lie. A true friend won’t judge you for needing space and distance at a time like this.

I hope you’re ok.


zippyswife · 30/03/2021 21:21

I guess it's hard to know whether she's being blunt or whether she is actually being a good friend and giving you the space she feels you want.
It must be a dreadful time for you right now and with that can come increased anxiety and paranoia. If she's a good friend who gets who you are maybe explain what is going on in your head right now.
Maybe rather than pushing her away lean on her, and allow her to help you at this time.
Wishing you all the strength at this time.


Umbivalent · 30/03/2021 21:22

This must be such a difficult time for you Flowers

I would leave it for now. Deal with your grief in your own way, and when you're ready, reach out to your friend again.


blackrimmedspecs · 30/03/2021 21:24

Your friend might have her own quirks too, and find it difficult not to feel needed when she'd like to help or maybe she's having a tough time too. Difficult to tell, without knowing you or your friend. Maybe send them a message telling her how much you value her, don't want to loose them as a friend and that you hope they're ok. Say that you're really struggling in the anniversary of your child death. Tell her you love her.


ColourfulElmerElephant · 30/03/2021 21:29

I’m sorry about your child. I always find the build up to my own child’s death far worse than the day itself. If I were you, I’d focus on yourself for now and when you feel you have the mental capacity to do so, speak to your friend then and explain that the build up is too consuming for you to have spoken to her. If she doesn’t understand, it’s probably not a friendship worth keeping.


EndOfLifeDoula · 30/03/2021 21:30

I think she is maybe trying to be a good friend.
You are struggling and rightly so.
How long have you been Friends, were you friends before your loss?

I think you need to focus on you and your grief and how you are going to cope and carry on before anything else.


denverRegina · 30/03/2021 21:36

You could message her as this clearly is causing you extra stress and she may be simply giving you the space she knows you want.

"Hi friend, just a quick message to say I know I've been quiet and a bit withdrawn at the moment. I wanted to let you know that I always get like this at this time of year and I'd hate you to think that it's personal. I really value you as a friend and can't wait to catch up soon. Hope you're well x"


Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 30/03/2021 21:39

So sorry to hear about your loss.Flowers

If you don't want to open up a conversation where you could end up upset, perhaps you could sent a message telling her that you're struggling a bit but her friendship means a lot to you. This must be a tough time for you.


PineappleCat · 30/03/2021 21:43

No I met her last year after their anniversary, My child passed away 4 years ago so she has never seen me at such a low before as I manage to keep it under control the rest of the time for my living children's sake.
I think I will have to say tomorrow to her in a message to calm my nerves.
Thank you for the suggestions.

Sorry for your loss @ColourfulElmerElephant your right the build up is much worse, I always feel a weight is lifted the day. grieve is a very strange thing.

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