To feel cross with mum and drinking

[Cocothecat27]

I lost my dad just before Christmas after a short battle with cancer. He wasn't even 60 so it was incredibly shocking and the family are still all heartbroken.

I have dealt with my grief by keeping busy. Running. Planning things. Doing lots of with dc. Being so busy that I don't have much time to think. Probably not the best way to cope but I like to think my dad would be proud of my determination.

My mum however has fallen to pieces. I am so worried about her. She doesn't sleep or eat properly and she is drinking loads. I mean sometimes starting in the morning. She has always been a drinker using alcohol to deal with stress and we have argued about it a lot because she can be quite a nasty, spiteful drunk. She is ringing people while heavily drunk and seeing people in the street. She doesn't realise how obvious it is by her face and slurring that she's had a drink.

Please don't think I am unsympathetic. I understand this is her way of coping. But it's getting very worrying now. My dad would have hated it, they rowed about her drinking a lot too. She isn't interested in her own health and keeps talking about dying which upsets me. I feel like me and dc and worth trying to carry on for. I feel like I'm losing my mum as well as my dad. I know I can't stop her drinking, it has to be her choice but it's getting to the point where I find it hard to be around her or going round with dc in the middle of the day when she's pissed. It's not normal. Aibu to feel like this? Does anyone have any advice?

My advice is to get on with your life and support your Mum if she decides to seek help. You are also grieving and have a young family- she is not your responsibility and despite her grief, she is a consenting adult making a conscious choice.
Your Mum isn’t considering you in this situation so please don’t feel that managing her drinking is on you

It just really upsets me to see her going down this path. If anything losing dad has taught me to make the most of life and live well, she's gone the other way. I know everyone deals with things differently but I am so worried about her. I don't expect her to be happy or normal, none of us are. But this seems destructive and it feels as if she isn't bothered about anything or anyone else anymore.

In the past she has always justified her drinking. "I'm drinking because I have health issues. Because things are rocky with me and dad. Because I lost my mum." And so this feels like yet another perfect reason for her to immerse herself in booze. But it does her no good at all :-(

It sounds like she’s an alcoholic and has been for a long time. Sadly, alcoholics will always find a reason to drink.
Alcolholism is a selfish condition and you are right in that she likely doesn’t care about anything or anyone else while she’s drinking. I’d take a step back until she is ready to seek help

Sorry to hear you are going through all this, OP. As others have said, there is nothing you can do to stop your DM drinking if she won't take that decision herself but, in the meantime, have you considered turning to Al-Anon (for the families and friends of alcoholics) for support? It would at least give you a chance to talk to people who have had to cope with similar issues.

I think you should have a heart to heart with your Mum and tell her what you have told us. It may change nothing but at least you will know that you have put your cards on the table. It might be a wake up call for her, or it might not. At least you would have had the chance to put your side across. So Sorry about your Dad.

I'm sorry for your loss.

You say you think this is your mums way of coping but if there were arguments about her drinking before your dad died then I think his absence has just removed the moderating force in your mums drinking. I suspect your mums drinking has been a problem for sometime but now she has grief to excuse it. There is nothing you can do if she does not want to change it so you must take care of yourself and set appropriate boundaries with your mum.

Sorry about your DDad. 💐
Unfortunately, alcoholics will use situations in life as a reason or excuse to drink. It sounds like her alcohol consumption has been an issue for a long time, way before you lost your DDad. You can't help her, only she can do that. Concentrate on your own grief, without feeding hers.

Sorry for the loss of your father.

Your mum is an alcoholic. I feel your pain. It sucks to watch someone slowly poisoning themselves. Being unhappy. Embarrassing themselves.

It’s her only way of coping. She will not stop until she wants to. No matter what you try you can’t make her. I tried everything apart from hitting her. Nothing worked. She won’t go to counselling.

All you can do is seek support to be mentally healthy yourself.

I’ve been there. It’s awful. Mine stopped after a hospital admission that scared the shit out of her and she stopped drinking after that. But it crept up again. I have no idea how much she is on now. I keep out of it. I think she may be a functioning alcoholic as you don’t see her drunk nowadays. I do worry for her though there is nothing I can do.

Thank you all. I just find it so hard to watch her self sabotage like this. I have believed she's a functioning alcoholic for years and when I've raised it with her she doesn't deny it. Just gets defensive and changes the subject. I have very few family members left and I can't bear to see my mum like this :-(

Sorry for your dads loss . There’s an excellent charity NACOA who supports children of alcoholics- helped me come to terms with my dad picking booze over me amd my kids . 💐

Thanks for the messages. Still at a bit of a loss. It was my eldest ds 11th birthday Tuesday. She was invited to come round for some lunch (she's in our bubble) but chose not to. Then came round at 7pm at night when we were eating a special birthday meal, clearly drunk and when I was annoyed it ended up with my dc telling me I was mean for being nasty to grandma and created a horrible atmosphere. I'd worked hard to make the lockdown birthday special and I just thought why do I bother. She also fell out with my dp after she took an innocent comment the wrong way due to her being drunk and defensive. Basically she stormed out leaving me feeling shit on my eldests birthday.

Even after things like that I will always try and make the peace and look after her, i know she's struggling. I love her and I worry about her. But she's making these choices - example choosing to stay home and drink rather than enjoy a day with family - and I wish she could see how destructive it is for her. I know I can't make her do anything. But I'm so upset

Another who says she is an alcoholic . Sadly you cannot ' fix ' her , that is something she has to do herself . Tough love time . You need to tell her that her drinking has become intolerable for you to witness. If you invite her to your home and she shows up drunk , you will not allow her in. You will not allow her access to your children whilst she is drunk . Tell her you mean it. She can drink herself into a grave, but you won't be around to witness it .

@VictoriaBun I know you are right but it's so hard to see someone you love do this. The washing my hands of her technique seems impossible, especially after what we've all been through.

You don't have to wash your hands on her, you just need to protect yourself and family of watching her slowly commit suicide.
I would have no qualms telling my mum I love her and want to have her around for many more years but you see her actions as self destruction and you cannot allow your children to be witness to it.

Bet behaviour is destructive to her but thankfully we don't have many incidents like last night and the kids rarely notice or are affected by her drinking. It's me who gets the brunt of it. I will always protect my kids and if I felt she was a danger to them or upsetting them I would stop it of course. But they love their gran as proven by their loyalty towards her the other night...I was the mean one for being pissed off with her behaviour apparently.

It's so hard to think of her damaging herself like this. I've just lost my dad, I can't lose her too.

Oh @Cocothecat27 your posts resonate so much with me it hurts

My DM is a functioning alcoholic too and I'm constantly worried about her. She's full on Jekyll and Hyde when it comes to drinking; when she's sober she's the most intelligent, sharp-witted person, when she drinks she turns into the exact opposite and can be really nasty to boot.

I've gone from loving spending time with her to dreading it, in case she's been drinking. My only safe time is when I know she is at work.

Like you I get really embarrassed as I know she phones people when she's been drinking but I have to remember that's her choice and no reflection on me.

DD loves her, understandably, but it's getting to the point where I don't even like her being there as DM will continue to drink even in her presence (yes, during the day) and curses continuously around her.

She's recovered from breast cancer which makes it so much harder for me to sit back and watch her treat her body this way. But everyone tells me there is nothing I can do.

I feel so sad at holidays like Easter, I see people planning to meet up with family (bubbles I'm sure given the circumstances) and I just feel so envious as all I can think about is that my mum will be drunk

@Grapewrath

My advice is to get on with your life and support your Mum if she decides to seek help. You are also grieving and have a young family- she is not your responsibility and despite her grief, she is a consenting adult making a conscious choice. Your Mum isn’t considering you in this situation so please don’t feel that managing her drinking is on you

That.

It is also highly probable that your mother will eventually stop excessively drinking and get her act together. It's very early days and not unusual for people to take comfort from drink.

I'm so sorry for your loss, it must have been a blow.

That.

It is also highly probable that your mother will eventually stop excessively drinking and get her act together. It's very early days and not unusual for people to take comfort from drink.

I'm so sorry for your loss, it must have been a blow.

OP I know what I'm going to say is harsh, but the reality is sadly that you will lose her - to an extent you've lost her already. If you can accept the reality of that rather it will be easier than trying to prevent it from happening. Addiction consumes people. It sounds like your mum is well beyond the point where this is a choice for her. The only choice she has left about her drinking is choosing to try and get some help, but that will only happen if and when she is ready for it. The only thing you can do is make sure she knows that however bad its got, it is possible to get help, and to make sure she knows where to go for support if she does want it. But once she's got that knowledge it's up to her.

I lost my mum to drink, it got to a point where she mentally gave up. There was nothing we could do to prevent it. If she'd been ready to try and address it I would have been there like a shot, but she had become a bitter, angry person with age + alcohol and she shut us all out. The defensiveness and justification sound very familiar.

You can stay involved with her if you want, but you need to do so accepting that this is her reality and only take on as much as you can handle. If it is to upsetting then you need to distance yourself. Staying involved and hoping she'll change will burn you out.

@Theshoepeople I'm so sorry you lost your mum. I live in fear this will be the outcome for my DM.

If it's not too sensitive for me to ask, how did you approach being around her in order to spend time with her? I really, really struggle to contain my frustration when I can hear that she's been drinking, when we're on the phone together.

@Cocothecat27 I'm not sure if you can offer any advice? I hate that I can't relax around her any more.

Sorry to hear about your dad op. And also the difficult times everyone else has had
I also have similar issues with my mum. She has always drank and had a drink problem but it got worse once my brother and I left home. My dad left 7 years ago as he had enough and she still uses this an excuse now to drink saying she is lonely but I remember her drinking when I was a teenager so it's not true, just the latest excuse.
I find it really hard to distance myself too as when she has sober periods she is great company and so helpful with my dd. But when drinking, at best she is irritating and doesn't follow conversations properly (embarrassing when in company) and at worst is verbally and emotionally abusive.
I thought she'd hit rock bottom when she had a seizure few years ago due to withdrawal but each time she has still gone back to it. I moved closer to home and thought that would help. When I had my dd I thought that would help. Nothing has though.
Sorry I don't have any real advice as I'm still trying to figure it all out myself. Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

@theladyofthehousespeaking you have my sympathies, it's much easier for me now it's in the past, living it was harder.
I limited my involvement by only seeing her at lunchtimes really. Never in the evenings because as soon as 5pm hit she'd 'treat herself' (I know she did drink in the day but evenings she was always drunk, slurring, unsteady). Always out - didn't have her round here, didn't go to hers - was easier to make my excuses that way if I wanted to leave. It sounds counter intuitive but we usually went for pub lunches. I found it easier to deal with her being tipsy in a pub than going, say, shopping, and wondering whether people noticed the smell of wine.

Oh and I stopped answering the phone if she rang in the evening. I had a while of upsetting phone calls until i eventually clocked that she didn't remember them at all. So I figured if she didn't remember phoning me, she wouldn't remember me not picking up the phone. That made things a lot easier as she only ever phoned when she was in a shitty mood. She was a maudlin drunk and would cry down the phone at what a shit daughter I was. I didn't need that.

If I went outside of those rules for a particular occasion (eg Christmas) I'd mentally write off the day (and limit it to a day) If I was prepared for it and accepted it then it was easier.

I know it might sound like I'd given up/enablef but my mum had depended on alcohol for dealing with stress, as well as being a binge drinker for any socialising, my whole life. She was very set in her ways (not just re alcohol but her personality in general) so I knew when things started to escalate (when she retired and had no reason not to have a drink) that things were only going to deteriorate so that was the best I could do.

The sad thing is it got much easier after she died. When it comes to birthdays or general family talk it's much easier/socially acceptable to say 'my mum is no longer with us' than 'my mum is a bit of a liability and doesn't like me very much'. And there's no worrying about whether she's safe.

I'm really glad that the younger generations have more information about alcohol being harmful. I think the message my mum's generation had (that you're born an alcoholic and everyone else is fine) was really dangerous and prevented a lot of people from recognising problem drinking until it was too late.

I'm sorry to hear other people have gone through this too. Even writing it feels like a bit of a betrayal as she's is fundamentally a great mum. She and my dad split for a while when I was a child and she always took such good care of me. I didn't have a bad childhood or anything like that but I do remember her drunk on occasions when I was a child. I remember throwing wine down the sink because I didn't like it. But she always worked so hard and we've always had a very close bond which is why I find it so hard. Like others have said, she is the most loving and wonderful person sober but with a drink in her she's dopey, she doesn't remember things and she can be quite mean.

She and my dad used to drink socially but whereas my dad would stop there, she would drink at home too.

I still don't think she would ever accept that she's an alcoholic, just that she "likes a drink". But it's not normal is it? To drink in the middle of the day? Or as soon as you get in from work?