Men deliberately intimidating women - is this a thing now?

[BitOutOfSorts]

This is a bit difficult to articulate. In the last couple of weeks I've been out and about a lot more often due to work and I feel that I've experienced a few incidences of a man staring and staring at a woman. Yesterday a man pulled up in a car and turned in his seat and stared at me for about 10 minutes. First time I glanced at him, second time I pointedly looked back. He just stared. I then tried to avoid eye contact (he was straight ahead of me) and weighed up my options of whether I could get back to my car or not. Then I rung a friend and he shouted over, "Are you ringing up about me? Why? Why you ring up about me?" and told me that he'd give me something to ring up about, or something like that. Then he drove off.

I reported the above incident to security and they asked me what had I done to trigger this behaviour in him. Another suggested that there was a hidden compliment in his behaviour. The woman on 101 said he was obviously just waiting for someone.

I've noticed other men doing it to women from their cars stopped in traffic, just pointedly staring at women walking past them to the point that they have to crane their necks, and not in a casual or nice way, in a menacing way. Out and about in a new work situation I am seeing so much sexual harassment. Groups of youths on bikes, whooping when they pass a woman. Last week a boy about 12 years old cycled up from behind me and shouted, "Do you want fucking? Well do you want fucking?" as he sped past.

It's really getting me down, but is it all in my head?

That's really horrible OP, sorry that's happened to you. I'd be seriously pissed off that security accused you of setting him off as well as though women are naturally to blame for men's behaviour.

I'm not sure if it's got worse recently - I do think there are some very angry men out there who are almost looking for a fight having been spurred on by MRA forums on the Internet. The teen thing has unfortunately been common for at least a couple of decades.

As topical as this thread is, are you serious when you ask 'Is this a thing now'?

Teenagers have been mouthy shits forever since at least the 80s. So it's no surprise they shout "do you want fucking" or other nonsense at you - it's always been that way.

I think we have to expect a pushback from some men in reaction to the recent highlighting of the harassment women receive. It's a natural thing, just as some men will reconsider their behaviour in a positive way, others will think "I'm being blamed for not really doing much wrong" and react negatively, a kind of "if you cry I'll give you something to cry about" response.

Don't worry too much about it. Most men won't actually attack women, they just enjoy making them feel scared. As I've said several times recently, you are much safer with a stranger than you are with your male friend or relative. You are much more likely to be attacked at home than in the street.

If a man stares at you, confront him. At the very least get your phone out and start recording him.

I don't think it's got worse, I think we just notice it more.

It's always been a thing - I'm 61 and have encountered this kind of behaviour for most of my adult and teenage life. I could give loads of examples. e.g a man striding directly at me across a virtually empty playground when I was picking up my DD from a club so I had to move or he'd have walked into me. I've had men push me into roads because I wasn't crossing quickly enough at the lights. A man shouting abuse at me in my car when I'd stopped at green lights because there was a policeman stopping traffic - shouter had assumed I was stopped for no reason. And I've experienced more groping and grabbing than I can count, often in work situations - sexual assault - but back in the day it was dismissed as groping and something everyone experienced. I've had men follow me when walking home in the dark, to the point where I was really frightened for my safety.

For balance I should say that the majority of men are pleasant and considerate, but the minority isn't a tiny one and when they do intimidate it is very scary.

Your encounter sounds horrible OP - and the reaction of the security guard inexcusable. I hope you are OK

A mix of being fascinated by suddenly realising they have power (to make women feel uncomfortable) because of the media coverage and you noticing more what has always been there.

Thank you for your kind words.

I know it's not new, new but there feels something new about what I'm witnessing, the deliberate staring and intimidating. I just can't put my finger on it.

Look, I'm not some innocent - I was sexually abused as a child, raped as a teen and harassed and groped and what not up to my 20s. Looking back, mid-20s and through my 30s I was tending to work and socialise in quite safe places and was in quite a position of power. I had the odd incident on the tube or whatnot, but not much really. Recently I've had a change of job, so perhaps it's something to do with my environment.

It feels like a game - they deliberately intimidate and then say, "what's your problem? You're paranoid".

I’ve noticed a lot of aggression op. I put that down to lockdown though, no release of aggression through gym, pubs whatever...

I've unfortunately experienced this a few times. One incidence that stands out is a guy that tried his very best to intimidate me one day when he came in to the shop where I worked.
I had to serve him and he leaned over the counter and stared intensely at me whilst smirking, it really was intimidating.

I then discovered he lived in the same village as me. I would see him regularly, either walking his dog or driving past me. Each time I saw him he repeated the staring/smirking thing and even slow his car down to do it whilst driving past me. It got to the point where I stopped walking my dog in certain areas because I'd seen him there and I was worried for my safety.

It stopped when I lost it one day and shouted "what the FUCK are you staring at!?" as he was walking along with his wife, yes he even did it whilst she was there. I can't remember what else I yelled, I was so angry and pissed off with him.
His wife looked shell-shocked and he didn't say a word but it never happened again.

It's a horrible feeling when someone does this, I remember feeling really vulnerable and completely powerless.

Ikwym, OP.

Maybe we need a new offence of "aggressive or offensive staring".

I reported the above incident to security and they asked me what had I done to trigger this behaviour in him.

Fucking NOPE!

Men do this shit all the time. I'm even not in the UK and they do it to me all the time. Local men. Expat men. Men.

When men are walking down the street towards me, they often start staring aggressively and sort of changing their trajectory so unless I moved they'd walk into me. Fuck them. I adjust my trajectory more, so we're 100% going to walk into each other unless they get back in their lane. Meet their eye. Lift my chin. Fuck that.

Three guys were standing on a corner the other day and as I was about to walk past they started to crowd towards me, like they were going to surround me. They wanted me to cringe and move away. Fuck that. I stopped and faced them. What the fuck are they going to do? Assault me in broad daylight? Unlikely.

Fuck these men. They find fear thrilling.

Perhaps it is, as you suggest, your new working environment means more potential contact in this way. I certainly have experienced men who seem to be seeking to intimidate me. I've been responding by channelling my teenager with a head tilt and "are you ok/ you good?" Which probably only works as they don't expect such surly passive aggressiveness from a 50 year old. I am harder to intimidate because I've definitely released my inner "No fucks given self" of late and am extraordinarily angry most of the time. It's not a solution though. Men shouldn't be playing mind games for kicks and I'd rather not be acting in a grumpy rude fashion. Each interaction like that pushes me further away from feeling a part of society. And that's how incels came about anyway. I don't want to turn into some female version of those particular delights.

YANBU . Just reading the testimonies of women of all ages and of girls, we all know this has been going on forever . However I think now there is more pushback, and naming the perpetrators, they will get off on the power it brings them.
When are we going to see men and boys saying yes I do that , my friends do that? nobody is admitting to it which is strange given how often it is happening.

Thank you to those sharing their stories I think I need to get some strategies in place. I’m normally one for head up, eye contact and a confident smile or “‘evening!”.

I think a lot of men have a lot of pent up anger at the moment. I’m seeing it at work. Not sure if it’s the lack of socialising with other men, lack of group physical activity, men being made redundant from jobs or furloughed and feeling emasculated, having to spend more time with partners who irritate them... I’m not sure

You must have been very frightened, OP. What an awful experience. Then for it to be compounded by being blamed; the behaviour of the security officer was unforgivable. I'd be lodging a complaint about them.

I don't get out much so haven't seen this kind of intimidation in person, but I certainly see more of it online.

I've just remembered (it's a wile since I've been out) but before last lockdown I had 3 'encounters' in one trip to the shops.

A man coming up behind me in Poundstretcher as I was looking at something on a shelf and saying 'things would be a lot faster if fat old women didn't move like tortoises' - I did actually call him out and ask if he was speaking to me - which he admitted- and he marched off still swearing at me when I asked if he was proud of himself for picking on an older woman.

A man lurking on the street where I had to pass, who said 'Do you like being tickled, I love being tickled' (which made me almost break into a run with my wheel basket - he was seriously creepy but totally blocking my path) I reported him to the police when I got home, but they weren't interested as he hadn't actually done anything.

A man who cycled very fast on the pavement right up behind me and swerved to avoid me at the last second (I hadn't heard hi approach as I am slightly deaf).

This was just in one trip - and you start to think 'is there something about me?' but no there are just a lot of nasty fuckers about.

There's a post going around on Reddit where a man found out how much he enjoyed intimidating women and recommended just following a woman. Keeping them scared and off balance. He recommended it to all likeminded men. There may be a thing going around. There have always been creeps but with the internet, ideas like that are too easily shared around.

Can't find the post, but it's one of the incels (don't google if you don't know, it's a scary place)

The lack of pubs and especially gyms may have been a factor.