Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Co-parenting

21 replies

Mbbj · 29/03/2021 19:27

Am I being unreasonable allowing my ex to have our 1 year old daughter 3 times a week 4 hours each time? He wants her 8 hours each time 3 days a week but she don’t eat for him and when she comes back she is so clingy and mucks up her night routine

OP posts:
LastRoloIsMine · 29/03/2021 19:32

Cant you increase the contact time so that she gets more used to him?

So its 4 hours now make it 5 then in a 2 weeks make it 6 hours then 7 then 8 eventually builing up to overnights?

Nonverba · 29/03/2021 22:26

Personally I would say her routine is more important than visiting her dad at this stage.

8 hours is a long time in her day and especially if she won’t eat with him it’s just not worth the hassle.

ButIcantsitonleather · 29/03/2021 22:39

Why won’t she eat with him? Is she unused to him?

LittleOwl153 · 29/03/2021 22:51

He needs to crack the eating - he can't starve the child for the sake of contact.
3 x full days seems rather alot too unless she doesnt attend any form of childcare. Maybe the kid just needs some grounding rather than being passed around.

2021isalsorubbish · 29/03/2021 23:01

Child sounds too young to be doing 8 hour stints unless they are very used to him / he’s been a main carer? Mine are 3 and 5 and do 4 hours on a Wednesday and 4 hours on a Sunday

Original poster
Mbbj · 30/03/2021 06:34

That’s what I’ve said her routine is more important. I think 8 hours is a long time to be away especially her age

OP posts:
Original poster
Mbbj · 30/03/2021 06:40

I personally think 8 hours day is too long for her age. She needs to get use to him and eat for him in the 4 hours I can’t have her going hungry. I’m worried what he gives her aswell as before he has given her Greggs doughnuts ,McDonald’s pancakes she’s 1. She don’t have a routine seeing him either as he works shift work and expects me to go through his rota a chose days I’ve suggested set days and times and he’s said no.

OP posts:
TeddyBeans · 30/03/2021 06:46

My DS was 15 months when my ex left, we started contact at 3 hours every other weekend and then slowly built it up. DS is 3 next month and he just started an overnight stay at the beginning of the year. He now goes 11am Saturday til 3pm Sunday and a midweek videocall.

If I'd given into everything my ex wanted, DS would be so unsettled right now it would be awful. Stick to your guns, you know your child. And if he doesn't agree, get yourself in for mediation at the very least

LastRoloIsMine · 30/03/2021 06:57

Shes 1 she doesn't know what day of the week it is Hmm so seeing him on set days doesn't matter to her!

You don't have any good reason to withhold contact and frankly its cruel. Your DD deserves a relationship with both her parents. She is not your property.
Your ex is being as flexible as he can yet you are just finding excuses.

Original poster
Mbbj · 30/03/2021 07:00

The ex thinks what he says goes but it don’t work like that it’s what suits our daughter. I’ve looked into mediation I think that’s going to be are only option and it’s so hard to explain things to him as he don’t understand.
He thinks because she’s 1 he can have her overnight etc but she’s not use to him and so unsettled when she comes back it will affect her.
We lived together the first 4 months she was born and he didn’t want to bother said he would rather have beer money then pay for her, rather spend time with his mates. The last few months is when he’s wanted to play dad but still won’t provide for her or help pay maintenance for her

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 30/03/2021 07:02

Sorry but I would say developing a good relationship with her dad is more important than a routine.
It’s likely that she’s not eating with him because she’s not spending enough time with him, by the time she sees him and gets comfortable then she’s home again. It might help to give a packed lunch from home at first so it’s familiar food then he can buy those things. A lot of babies are in nursery for 8 hours or with grandparents etc by 1 so I don’t think it’s reasonable to argue that it’s too long.

LastRoloIsMine · 30/03/2021 07:04

It always amazes me why women choose such rubbish men to have children with then complain when they are rubbish fathers.

Mediation is a good idea hopefully the solution will benefit your daughter.

Oysterbabe · 30/03/2021 07:08

I think Yabu and increasing the time will help her get used to him faster.

midnightstar66 · 30/03/2021 11:31

4 hours isn't terribly long to go without food. I'm sure she'd eat if she was hungry during a longer stint. Just up the hours gradually maybe one day at a time so one 6 hour day, 2 4 and keep going that way to build up over time. Her routine needs to involve contact with her dad. What he feeds her in his time is his choice too. Something I know all to well you need to learn to live with!

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 30/03/2021 11:42

Mediation is probably a good idea. Jumping 4 hours to 8 hours isn’t fair to her but as previous posters have said maybe build it up? All due respect, she won’t get used to him until her time is increased.

DynamoKev · 30/03/2021 11:47

"allowing" ?

DynamoKev · 30/03/2021 11:48

@LastRoloIsMine

It always amazes me why women choose such rubbish men to have children with then complain when they are rubbish fathers.

Mediation is a good idea hopefully the solution will benefit your daughter.

Yeah cos all your choices are superior I expect?
zaffa · 30/03/2021 11:49

DD was 11 months when she went to nursery four days a week where she is for roughly 8 hours a day. Not quite the same but the same length of time away from me. I did a week of half days first and then she went into full days. Yes, she is clingy sometimes when she gets home because she is tired but she's adjusted well to it (she had pretty bad separation anxiety from lockdown so we were surprised she did so well). A lot of us send babies that age to childcare and they thrive so I think it is feasible that she can build up to spending that much time with a parent.

It's also apparently very common that children don't eat when they first start childcare, a lot I know have had this problem but it always resolves fast once they get used to the new set up. I know it's hard, but I don't think it will damage her unless there are other concerns about him?

zaffa · 30/03/2021 11:51

Also there is a big difference between 12 months and 18 months, but both are one. How old is she?

BusyLizzie61 · 30/03/2021 18:03

A few points I'd consider if I were you:

  1. A 12 month old should be building up to fill days, so what's your suggested build up?
  2. The foods you listed wouldn't be deemed an issue in court if in moderation. If you're really concerned pack her lunches.
  3. A court would be looking to give overnights between 18 and 24 months on the whole. Going to court will no doubt get these ordered quicker.
  4. A father with shift work will always get a cao ordered in his favour and you having to work around it. So if he's saying you chose the days take advantage of it. He's being as reasonable and flexible as possible.
Soontobe60 · 30/03/2021 18:06

Why is she not used to him? How old was she when you split? I would be looking at putting a timeline in place so that he eventually has her overnight at least 2x a week.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page